An Exclusive Ride on the Midnight Meat Train

I consider myself one of the luckiest men on the face of the earth for having seen the theatrical trailer for Midnight Meat Train. I am quite sure Matthew remembers as well because we saw it together prior to There Will Be Blood. As I recall, the trailer flowed in the normal candy-cutter manner of most stalker-based horror flicks. It foretold the danger, running, chasing, slashing and screaming that would face minor Hollywood stars Bradley Cooper, Leslie Bibb and Brooke Shields. Nothing could have prepared me for the final scene of the preview, as the subway hurls down the dimly lit tunnel, the movie title is displayed for the first time and the voice of the preview slowly and calmly says “Midnight Meat Train.”

Matthew and I both immediately broke into laughter and I vowed to myself that I would cherish the viewing of the preview in the same way I cherish my first born child (of which I do not have one). I am still surprised that I cannot buy a T-shirt in Vegas with that movie title written across the chest. If I can buy a shirt that says “I ♥ To Fart” then why can’t I buy a shirt with “Midnight Meat Train” on there? I really believe that the shirt could outsell the yellow smiley face shirt. If you put “Midnight Meat Train” on the front and “Catch It Tonight” on the back…you would have capitalistic gold.

Of course, Midnight Meat Train never came to any theaters that I am aware of. Come to think of it, I don’t recall even seeing the movie at Blockbuster or the magic $1 video box at Fry’s either. It is possible I missed its quick run through theaters and on the New Release shelf at the movie store, but more than likely it just slipped into obscurity. Nothing makes me happier than to think that it slipped into obscurity. Lots of people can tell the story of attending a Super Bowl or watching a Presidential Inauguration or seeing Elvis in concert. How many people can say they saw the original trailer for Midnight Meat Train in the theater?

But, just when I thought I had struck trailer gold, I spotted another shiny nugget last Sunday. This particular trailer portrayed young sexy co-eds dancing, drinking and experimenting with pre-marital relations on the high seas. But when the drunken relations go awry someone ends up dead. In this case (according to the trailer), one of three girls on the boat dies from the relations and her body is disposed of by the three boys on the boat. Somehow this leads to tension between the remaining two girls and the original three boys. This tension leads to the boys tying up the girls, the tying up leads to the girls trying to escape, and the trying to escape leads to a dramatic conclusion.

The dramatic conclusion to this trailer was the title of the movie itself: Donkey Punch.

You have read that title correctly; the movie is called Donkey Punch. I double dare any of you (if you don't already know) to look this term up to see what it means. I would have never thought in my lifetime that I would see this often misunderstood, misquoted, potentially lethal sexual term as the title of a mainstream film.

So now, not only have I had the great fortune to see the trailer to Midnight Meat Train, I have also seen the trailer to a movie called Donkey Punch. Think about that, it is basically the equivalent of seeing Elvis sing Jailhouse Rock live in Atlantis with a pet Dodo on his shoulder.

It is never too early to start filling out your Christmas list. Tell Santa, tell your spouse, tell your co-workers and tell your AA sponsor that you want to take a ride on the Midnight Meat Train and put a Donkey Punch under your tree. Oh, and if anyone that reads this blog creates a “Midnight Meat Train – Catch It Tonight” T-shirt, I want some residuals!

Warren