So I finally got around to reviewing “Donkey Punch.” Warren had sent me the video, oh I don’t know, maybe three months ago and I just kept putting off watching it. It just didn’t seem like the kind of movie that I would enjoy. So it sat on my shelf for a while. And every time I was near that part of the apartment, the DVD box confronted me, blaring its title, accusing me of negligence. Finally I had to watch the silly film, if only to assuage my guilt.
Now the best part of any schlock DVD is the coming attractions. “Donkey Punch,” is put out by Six Shooter Productions and the movie studio just had to take this opportunity to tell us about its other exciting film fare. By far the best of the bunch is “Big Man Japan.”
Apparently ever since the bombs were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima at the end of World War II, Japan has been protected by large men. Think thinner taller sumo wrestlers. Sort of malformed – bulging in strange places. No, not there. Like an extra bulky neck. Or a prodigious hamstring. And these oddly shaped 12 foot tall men battle even weirder monsters. Giant pink flower men with bulbous noggins? I understood Godzilla movies, but this latest genre befuddles me.
Then there is the requisite vampire movie, “Let the Right One In.” In Icelandish I think. It’s about a ne’er-do-well kid who befriends a little girl just to have a friend. And she turns out to be a vampire. Isn’t that always the way? And of course no schlock movie set would be complete without a Michael Rappaport movie. The one on this set is called “Special.” Mr. Rappaport is mentally retarded (isn’t he always mentally retarded in every movie he does?) takes drugs and believes he has superpowers. So he embarrasses himself, hurts himself and does thwart a crime or two, because hey, if you were a petty crook just holding up a 7-11 wouldn’t you drop your gun and run after being tackled by a large nutjob bouncing around in his long underwear?
But enough about the previews. There is an actual movie here. Incidentally, I have referenced schlock a number of times which usually means poorly funded. Guess who funded this movie? The British Lottery. That’s right, whereas in our country we use lottery funds to help schools, the brits fund bad movies. Time to rethink our awe of English cultural superiority.
Yes that’s right “Donkey Punch,” is a foreign film. Now it’s not so foreign that you need to read subtitles (well there is one character who would have benefitted from having subtitles), but it is a foreign film. Which I guess means it has a different sensibility to it. Different pacing. Different agenda. The director even says (in the DVD extras) that he specifically didn’t want to make a typical American teen slasher horror flick. And he didn’t at that. Like all European films, “Donkey Punch,” is far more concerned with character development and displaying angst and the hidden emotions of the characters. So there’s that to muddle through as you look out for the good parts. Oh, also European films have bad soundtracks. This one is no exception to that rule. It alternates between thumping Euro beat disco and syrupy unintelligible soaring female voices.
The movie certainly starts out in familiar territory. Three winsome vacuous twenty-something girls are vacationing in a warm sunny place. This time the girls happen to be English and the place happens to be Ibizza in the Mediterranean, off the coast of Spain. They put on slinky outfits and go out on the town to hook up with boys and get them to buy the girls drinks. The three girls meet three guys, English of course. The guys claim to be sailors for hire that have just piloted the yacht on which they crew into Ibizza. And since the owners of the yacht have flown back to their own homes, these three guys have the yacht to themselves. Why don’t the three lovleys come back to the boat and we can party there?
And so the movie kicks into gear. The six young stars board the yacht where a fourth guy has been staying on the boat to watch it. Three girls, four guys – someone is going to be left out. They start partying on the boat. The music starts blaring. The fourth guy who was left on the boat becomes a killjoy and says that they can’t blare the music so loud or else they will all get in trouble with the dockmaster. So it’s decided to take this party to the high seas. And the fun and tension is ratcheted up another notch.
Of course to have a proper party you need one bad boy. You know, the guy who has the drugs. Who pushes everyone to go a little outside of their comfort zone. This part is played by some lower class cockney dude. He is the hardass of the film. He is the one I was referring to when I said that one of the characters would have benefitted from having subtitles. Not that the dialogue is all that stimulating throughout the film but there are parts of the movie when he talks and then everyone laughs or reacts in a significant way, and I was left saying “wha?” I didn’t get the joke.
So the boat goes out sea. Everyone goes jumping off the side of the boat – some nice wet bikini shots, etc. Playing in the water, laughing, taking drugs, drinking, yadda, yadda, yadda. The young people sit around at one point and discuss sexual proclivities – hey have you ever heard of a “tarmac” or a “dirty sanchez”, etc. Sure I know someone who did that. It was awful. And then the cockney guy asks if anyone has heard of a “Donkey Punch”. He describes what it is and everyone is suitably disgusted.
The evening wears on. The drugs kick in. The sex talk has gotten everyone excited. Two of the girls and two of the guys go below deck to start something a little more serious. And an orgy breaks out below deck, complete with video camera. The wimpiest of the guys, the one who would be left out if everyone paired off correctly, goes below deck to watch the orgy. Not hidden in the shadows or anything, but just kind of sitting in the room watching the sex. One of the pairs gets to a stopping point so the cockney dude tells the wimpy guy that now it’s his turn. The wimpy guys gets behind the sleazy naked blond and starts going at it. She is enjoying herself. The cockney guy is filming away. He exhorts the wimpy guy to just do it. “Come on,” he says. “You know what to do.” “Just do it” “Do it”
So the wimpy guy donkey punches the girl.
And that is the zenith of the movie. That is the scene we have all been waiting for. The movie has built to the crescendo, delivers, and then devolves from there, becoming very European again. The rest of the movie is a long psychological examination of the personal angst each character suffers as they decide what they are going to do next. There is a lot of blame shifting and screaming and recriminations. Very European in its treatment of trauma. And here I have to mention one other distinctly European flair. There is certainly nudity in the orgy scene, some of it quite good. But the bulk of the immediate aftermath of the donkey punch turns into a sausage fest. Whoops, wait I wasn’t expecting that. Yuck. Really, after all the kielbasa shown, the movie isn’t redeemed by the previous female nudity.
And that’s the movie. Not as bad as I expected. Not typical teen horror flick, although there are the requisite slasher parts when the characters start to off each other as they begin to argue about who is guilty for the tragedy that occurred. This movie was just good enough that we may see the director get more work. I just won’t be reviewing anything else that he does.
Matthew
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Adjustment Bureau (7 1/4" of Fun)
Wow, do I feel refreshed! I had no idea that NyQuil was so powerful. They are not kidding when they say it is the night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine. I am still getting through my email from the past five months and catching up on a few neglected bills but it doesn’t appear to me that I have missed much. I guess Bears had it right all along, hibernation really does a body good. I don’t know what the loyal readers of this blog like to do after a good five month hibernation but I like to go to the movies.
I guess you could say that I would come out of hibernation to see a new Terence Stamp film. The guy is General Zod for goodness sake, one of the meanest villains of 1980. That being said, Jack O’Halloran if you are reading this blog (and why wouldn’t you be) you are still my favorite villain of 1980 but I really feel as if your effort to enslave the people of Earth was half-hearted at best. I realize that we all have off days and sometimes coming to work as a villain with super powers can seem taxing, but really, there were three of you and there was only one Superman. General Zod was the brains of the Operation, Ursa was the beauty of the Operation and Non – you were the brawn. If you had been stuck in a 1 square foot glass Apartment with two other people and an apparent lack of running water wouldn’t you give it your best brawn(y) effort to ensure you don’t have to go back to those conditions?
So, Terence Stamp is in a film called The Adjustment Bureau (TaB – why wasn’t it the official soft drink of this movie?). This film was a strangely religious view of free will and destiny. I realize that movie reviews are not really supposed to give away the secrets of a film, but I don’t know of a better way to discuss the film other than to pull back some of the curtain on the plot.
The story is actually very simple. TaB is based on a 1950’s Science Fiction short story. I think the short story description is very important because the idea is perfect for a thirty minute episode of The Twilight Zone. Unlike comedies though, this movie didn’t just stretch a thirty minute idea into two hours. TaB actually added a full dramatic Love Story to the idea. The Love Story is so full that I think it could be argued that this film tricks unsuspecting audience members (Men) into enjoying a Chick-flick under the guise of a Science Fiction & Action movie.
The Science Fiction portion of the story involves the life of David Norris, a New York Congressman running for Senate and making out with British women in the men’s room. In the process of living his life, Norris (played by Matt Damon) accidentally witnesses the actions of The Adjustment Bureau. TaB are Angels who keep humans from doing anything stupid and alter their reality when they get off track (of course, the irony here is the thought that with all of the craziness in the world this is us “not doing anything stupid”).
The Love Story portion of the story involves Norris and Elise (the British woman from the men’s room – played by Emily Blunt) who reject their pre-selected path, risking everything to be together. I thought it would have been appropriate at some point for Norris to break out some Hawkeye: “You be strong, you survive…You stay alive no matter what occurs. I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far. I will find you.”
The Action portion of the story involves the running that Norris and Elise have to do to find each other, get together and stay together. I wish I had more to say about the Action in this film but it is mainly just running. Norris walks, jogs and sprints through the streets of New York City like Orenthal James trying to get to the Hertz counter.
So, for Norris to end up with Elise he has to learn the secrets of TaB via a sympathetic and over worked Angel named Harry. Harry explains to Norris that Angles keep humans on their pre-selected life path mainly through the use of a journal and the doors from Monsters Inc. Angels, and presumably their boss – The Chairman (the non-religious reference), do have an unusual blind spot in water. When Harry explained that Angels cannot observe humans in and around water I got a little bit confused. I could have understood if it had been fire that the Angels could not handle but why water?
Besides the water, the main religious contradiction of this movie occurred in the path to the movie’s dramatic ending. It turns out that the powers of Angels are separated from humans by the Fedora. Yep. Fedora. As Angel Harry (he might prefer Harry Angel - I am not sure) explained to Norris, Angels are just like humans except they live a little longer and can pass through doors in a hat. When Angels have their hat on any door can become a short cut to their ultimate destination. So, when Norris needs to utilize the door system to find Elise what does he do? He borrows Harry’s hat.
The Chairman sets a path of destiny for Norris (and Elise) and appoints a whole team of Angels to insure that path is followed but allows one of his Angels to loan out the source of their teleportation power to a human. I am sure the Chairman is busy but shouldn’t there have been some quality control on these hats? I have to remember four unique passwords on my computer just to get to the screen where I can double click on my email icon and enter another password to access messages which generally say (in order of importance): “why are these birds so angry,” “what time is lunch today,” and “will you help me make a video to apply for The Real World” and yet anyone with a seven and a quarter inch head can access the Angel network?
I am sure you can figure out where this story ends up. The hat allows Norris to ultimately find Elise and his determination persuades The Chairman to re-write the future to allow the paths of our two characters to ultimately intersect. I was a little surprised that the movie did not end at that point. The ten minutes of meetings, hearings, Angel comments and voice votes on the future use and control of the Angel hats (while important) seemed excessive.
So, to wrap this one up, no matter what your destiny may be, run. If you can, run when it is raining. And, if it is raining, you might as well wear a hat.
Warren
I guess you could say that I would come out of hibernation to see a new Terence Stamp film. The guy is General Zod for goodness sake, one of the meanest villains of 1980. That being said, Jack O’Halloran if you are reading this blog (and why wouldn’t you be) you are still my favorite villain of 1980 but I really feel as if your effort to enslave the people of Earth was half-hearted at best. I realize that we all have off days and sometimes coming to work as a villain with super powers can seem taxing, but really, there were three of you and there was only one Superman. General Zod was the brains of the Operation, Ursa was the beauty of the Operation and Non – you were the brawn. If you had been stuck in a 1 square foot glass Apartment with two other people and an apparent lack of running water wouldn’t you give it your best brawn(y) effort to ensure you don’t have to go back to those conditions?
So, Terence Stamp is in a film called The Adjustment Bureau (TaB – why wasn’t it the official soft drink of this movie?). This film was a strangely religious view of free will and destiny. I realize that movie reviews are not really supposed to give away the secrets of a film, but I don’t know of a better way to discuss the film other than to pull back some of the curtain on the plot.
The story is actually very simple. TaB is based on a 1950’s Science Fiction short story. I think the short story description is very important because the idea is perfect for a thirty minute episode of The Twilight Zone. Unlike comedies though, this movie didn’t just stretch a thirty minute idea into two hours. TaB actually added a full dramatic Love Story to the idea. The Love Story is so full that I think it could be argued that this film tricks unsuspecting audience members (Men) into enjoying a Chick-flick under the guise of a Science Fiction & Action movie.
The Science Fiction portion of the story involves the life of David Norris, a New York Congressman running for Senate and making out with British women in the men’s room. In the process of living his life, Norris (played by Matt Damon) accidentally witnesses the actions of The Adjustment Bureau. TaB are Angels who keep humans from doing anything stupid and alter their reality when they get off track (of course, the irony here is the thought that with all of the craziness in the world this is us “not doing anything stupid”).
The Love Story portion of the story involves Norris and Elise (the British woman from the men’s room – played by Emily Blunt) who reject their pre-selected path, risking everything to be together. I thought it would have been appropriate at some point for Norris to break out some Hawkeye: “You be strong, you survive…You stay alive no matter what occurs. I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far. I will find you.”
The Action portion of the story involves the running that Norris and Elise have to do to find each other, get together and stay together. I wish I had more to say about the Action in this film but it is mainly just running. Norris walks, jogs and sprints through the streets of New York City like Orenthal James trying to get to the Hertz counter.
So, for Norris to end up with Elise he has to learn the secrets of TaB via a sympathetic and over worked Angel named Harry. Harry explains to Norris that Angles keep humans on their pre-selected life path mainly through the use of a journal and the doors from Monsters Inc. Angels, and presumably their boss – The Chairman (the non-religious reference), do have an unusual blind spot in water. When Harry explained that Angels cannot observe humans in and around water I got a little bit confused. I could have understood if it had been fire that the Angels could not handle but why water?
Besides the water, the main religious contradiction of this movie occurred in the path to the movie’s dramatic ending. It turns out that the powers of Angels are separated from humans by the Fedora. Yep. Fedora. As Angel Harry (he might prefer Harry Angel - I am not sure) explained to Norris, Angels are just like humans except they live a little longer and can pass through doors in a hat. When Angels have their hat on any door can become a short cut to their ultimate destination. So, when Norris needs to utilize the door system to find Elise what does he do? He borrows Harry’s hat.
The Chairman sets a path of destiny for Norris (and Elise) and appoints a whole team of Angels to insure that path is followed but allows one of his Angels to loan out the source of their teleportation power to a human. I am sure the Chairman is busy but shouldn’t there have been some quality control on these hats? I have to remember four unique passwords on my computer just to get to the screen where I can double click on my email icon and enter another password to access messages which generally say (in order of importance): “why are these birds so angry,” “what time is lunch today,” and “will you help me make a video to apply for The Real World” and yet anyone with a seven and a quarter inch head can access the Angel network?
I am sure you can figure out where this story ends up. The hat allows Norris to ultimately find Elise and his determination persuades The Chairman to re-write the future to allow the paths of our two characters to ultimately intersect. I was a little surprised that the movie did not end at that point. The ten minutes of meetings, hearings, Angel comments and voice votes on the future use and control of the Angel hats (while important) seemed excessive.
So, to wrap this one up, no matter what your destiny may be, run. If you can, run when it is raining. And, if it is raining, you might as well wear a hat.
Warren
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Soaring back to Superman III
This past week I found myself with a good amount of free time. $14.75, two sacks of popcorn, and a full bottle of Visine later I am still shaking my head about the poor decisions I made. There are very few times in life where you start to compare poor decisions made against poor decisions escaped and frankly during Jackass 3D, The Wolfman & The Lovely Bones I started to wonder if I should have considered my alternative options (streaking a tiger’s cage, finally mailing my whole stack of Casper Van Dien fan letters, joining Facebook). Luckily, a forgotten gem by the name of Superman III was patiently awaiting my attention on the DVR and like the hero that it was in 1983, it flew in to save the day. If you have not seen this movie in the twenty-seven years since it came out you owe it to yourself to take a walk down memory lane to a time when computers required keys, non-descript henchmen quickly built overly complicated machines, and Superman got infected with Bad-Superman only to have the ghost of Clark Kent eventually leave the body of Bad-Superman and then kill Bad-Superman somehow leaving just the ghost of Clark Kent.
Plenty of actors have played Superman and, with Hollywood’s current lack of new ideas, plenty more will don the cape and boots in the future (cape and boots would have been my costume for my aforementioned “streak a tiger’s cage” option). I can’t see anyone having the combination of look, sound and charisma that Christopher Reeve brought to the character. I hate to use the same analogy in two consecutive reviews so I won’t say that Reeve was born to play the Superman character. How about if I say he was conceived to play the character. From that point it is all just a crap shoot anyway, isn’t it? I have not looked at my birth certificate in some time (I do recall inspecting it for typographical errors upon birth) but is there a “Reason for Birth” section? If not, there should be. If Matthew and I can ride this blog wave of popularity all the way to Pennsylvania Avenue I think that will be the first thing I review. It may not solve any problems or cure any diseases but think of the fun new born babies will have at cocktail parties in fifty years! And isn’t that the reason we all want to be The President (remember, the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way).
But enough about the future, let’s talk about the past. For those of you following this blog, if you are roughly my age then you are part of the last generation to remember a time without computers and cellular telephones. I am not talking about all computers (digital computing dates back to the 1930’s) but about the modern personal computer. Superman III is a hilarious glimpse back at the limitations of early modern computers. Richard Pryor is the comic relief in this film, portraying a computer genius named Gus Gorman. Unhappy with his weekly “donation” to Uncle Sam, Gus hatches a plan to steal the change-remainder (the left over half cents on everyone’s paycheck) from all of his co-workers. Editorial Comment: Now you know where Mike Judge came up with the idea for Office Space.
Being a “computer genius,” Gus pulls off the scheme to perfection and get’s himself about ninety thousand dollars. Unlike Office Space though, the error is quickly noticed by business owner Ross Webster (played by former A-Team regular Robert Vaughn) who instead of punishing Gus asks him to program a government satellite to ruin the Colombian coffee crop. Like all government satellites, there is a terminal in an office in Smallville which is secured by two Fisher-Price keys both of which are unsecured but they have to be turned simultaneously in locks which are outside of arm’s length. This is a great security measure and probably more effective than passwords and encryption (or simply just hiding the keys). Right after I am done with this review I am going to rig up an ignition switch on my Hewlett-Packard, I can’t have some “computer genius” using my laptop to cover his position in Orange Juice futures.
I was kind of hoping when the computer came up that its first line of text would be “would you like to play a game? And then “how about a nice game of chess?” To which Gus would type in “right now let’s play global thermal nuclear war.” Surprisingly, that didn’t happen. Instead the computer just asked Gus what longitude and latitude he would like the satellite to destroy. Of course Gus was not able to destroy the crop as Superman came to the rescue. I can’t imagine that Superman has enough time on his hands to save one country’s seasonal coffee harvest so I will just assume that he owed a favor to Juan Valdez.
Skipping ahead to the middle, after seeing the power of his computer “genius,” Gus decides he wants a little taste of the riches he is helping to produce. Like all good entrepreneurs, Gus has sketched out the world’s first super-computer on a napkin and wants Ross to build this computer using the napkin as a schematic to guide four non-descript henchmen. No problem! The super-computer is easily built by the henchmen and it is also equipped with rockets, a missile and the 8-bit graphics capability of the original Nintendo system.
My favorite part of the computer (beyond the fact that it was powered exclusively by an unprotected Phillips screw) is that it shot out a giant hamster ball to combat its enemies. Now, I don’t know if this feature was part of the original napkin drawing or if it was just a nice henchmen upgrade, but having a fall back plan is always a super-computer must. I am sure our own Army Generals have a manual somewhere that says after you ask questions first and then shoot, if that does not work encase the combatant in a hamster ball. As you may have guessed, the computer shoots the ball at Superman and he becomes encased in it. Normally, I would think that the Man of Steel would not be fazed by such an apparatus. I would have guessed that he would have smiled politely, maybe done a few cool bouncing stunts and then excused himself from the ball using one of his many powers. In this case, Superman seemed to struggle mightily with the ball and even appeared to be having problems breathing.
As we have all seen Superman and Superman II, it seems common knowledge that Superman came from another planet and that he often flew around in space for both leisure and business purposes. So, if he is comfortable traveling and flying in space why would he have any problems breathing in a hamster ball? Does he need oxygen on earth but not in space? Maybe he was just laughing so hard that he couldn’t catch his breath.
Soon after the failed hamster ball defense tactic, the computer became self-aware (I-Robot, Eagle Eye, Terminator, etc.), turned Ross’s sister into a robot using excess network cable, gently threw Ross’s girlfriend against the wall, and fired all of its remaining defenses against Superman including Chia grass, the Snuggie and a glob of Calgon (ancient Chinese secret). If only Gus had been at a restaurant with bigger napkins he could have drawn up additional defense mechanisms including a better disguised “Off” switch!
In the end, Superman defeated the world’s first super-computer whereby setting Microsoft back six months in their production of the world’s second super-computer. And, in an unexpected turn of events, Superman gave Gus a jive handshake and flew him off to a job interview at a coal plant. I have to admit, I did not see that one coming!
So, to wrap this one up, computers have come a long way in the past twenty seven years. Unfortunately, the “home” key is still the most misleading button on the keyboard!
Warren
Plenty of actors have played Superman and, with Hollywood’s current lack of new ideas, plenty more will don the cape and boots in the future (cape and boots would have been my costume for my aforementioned “streak a tiger’s cage” option). I can’t see anyone having the combination of look, sound and charisma that Christopher Reeve brought to the character. I hate to use the same analogy in two consecutive reviews so I won’t say that Reeve was born to play the Superman character. How about if I say he was conceived to play the character. From that point it is all just a crap shoot anyway, isn’t it? I have not looked at my birth certificate in some time (I do recall inspecting it for typographical errors upon birth) but is there a “Reason for Birth” section? If not, there should be. If Matthew and I can ride this blog wave of popularity all the way to Pennsylvania Avenue I think that will be the first thing I review. It may not solve any problems or cure any diseases but think of the fun new born babies will have at cocktail parties in fifty years! And isn’t that the reason we all want to be The President (remember, the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way).
But enough about the future, let’s talk about the past. For those of you following this blog, if you are roughly my age then you are part of the last generation to remember a time without computers and cellular telephones. I am not talking about all computers (digital computing dates back to the 1930’s) but about the modern personal computer. Superman III is a hilarious glimpse back at the limitations of early modern computers. Richard Pryor is the comic relief in this film, portraying a computer genius named Gus Gorman. Unhappy with his weekly “donation” to Uncle Sam, Gus hatches a plan to steal the change-remainder (the left over half cents on everyone’s paycheck) from all of his co-workers. Editorial Comment: Now you know where Mike Judge came up with the idea for Office Space.
Being a “computer genius,” Gus pulls off the scheme to perfection and get’s himself about ninety thousand dollars. Unlike Office Space though, the error is quickly noticed by business owner Ross Webster (played by former A-Team regular Robert Vaughn) who instead of punishing Gus asks him to program a government satellite to ruin the Colombian coffee crop. Like all government satellites, there is a terminal in an office in Smallville which is secured by two Fisher-Price keys both of which are unsecured but they have to be turned simultaneously in locks which are outside of arm’s length. This is a great security measure and probably more effective than passwords and encryption (or simply just hiding the keys). Right after I am done with this review I am going to rig up an ignition switch on my Hewlett-Packard, I can’t have some “computer genius” using my laptop to cover his position in Orange Juice futures.
I was kind of hoping when the computer came up that its first line of text would be “would you like to play a game? And then “how about a nice game of chess?” To which Gus would type in “right now let’s play global thermal nuclear war.” Surprisingly, that didn’t happen. Instead the computer just asked Gus what longitude and latitude he would like the satellite to destroy. Of course Gus was not able to destroy the crop as Superman came to the rescue. I can’t imagine that Superman has enough time on his hands to save one country’s seasonal coffee harvest so I will just assume that he owed a favor to Juan Valdez.
Skipping ahead to the middle, after seeing the power of his computer “genius,” Gus decides he wants a little taste of the riches he is helping to produce. Like all good entrepreneurs, Gus has sketched out the world’s first super-computer on a napkin and wants Ross to build this computer using the napkin as a schematic to guide four non-descript henchmen. No problem! The super-computer is easily built by the henchmen and it is also equipped with rockets, a missile and the 8-bit graphics capability of the original Nintendo system.
My favorite part of the computer (beyond the fact that it was powered exclusively by an unprotected Phillips screw) is that it shot out a giant hamster ball to combat its enemies. Now, I don’t know if this feature was part of the original napkin drawing or if it was just a nice henchmen upgrade, but having a fall back plan is always a super-computer must. I am sure our own Army Generals have a manual somewhere that says after you ask questions first and then shoot, if that does not work encase the combatant in a hamster ball. As you may have guessed, the computer shoots the ball at Superman and he becomes encased in it. Normally, I would think that the Man of Steel would not be fazed by such an apparatus. I would have guessed that he would have smiled politely, maybe done a few cool bouncing stunts and then excused himself from the ball using one of his many powers. In this case, Superman seemed to struggle mightily with the ball and even appeared to be having problems breathing.
As we have all seen Superman and Superman II, it seems common knowledge that Superman came from another planet and that he often flew around in space for both leisure and business purposes. So, if he is comfortable traveling and flying in space why would he have any problems breathing in a hamster ball? Does he need oxygen on earth but not in space? Maybe he was just laughing so hard that he couldn’t catch his breath.
Soon after the failed hamster ball defense tactic, the computer became self-aware (I-Robot, Eagle Eye, Terminator, etc.), turned Ross’s sister into a robot using excess network cable, gently threw Ross’s girlfriend against the wall, and fired all of its remaining defenses against Superman including Chia grass, the Snuggie and a glob of Calgon (ancient Chinese secret). If only Gus had been at a restaurant with bigger napkins he could have drawn up additional defense mechanisms including a better disguised “Off” switch!
In the end, Superman defeated the world’s first super-computer whereby setting Microsoft back six months in their production of the world’s second super-computer. And, in an unexpected turn of events, Superman gave Gus a jive handshake and flew him off to a job interview at a coal plant. I have to admit, I did not see that one coming!
So, to wrap this one up, computers have come a long way in the past twenty seven years. Unfortunately, the “home” key is still the most misleading button on the keyboard!
Warren
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wall Street: Irony never Sleeps
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is a movie about irony. There is irony at every turn and in almost every scene of the film. Of course, the film was directed by Oliver Stone so there were also a lot of tears, gratuitous shots of the New York City skyline, long winded monologues and celebrity appearances. The good news is, after a two hour investment I was left with a building block of conversation and the memories of a man I met some seventeen years ago on HBO named Gordon Gekko.
The first Wall Street movie takes me back to a simpler time. In 1987 Wall Street wasn’t focused on credit default swaps, collateralized debt obligations and stock/warrant off-balance sheet research & development. Twenty three years ago Gordon Gekko used a mule-team of insiders and tipsters to manipulate the share prices of vulnerable companies in order to buy them at a discount and sell them off as unit parts. In 1987 Gordon Gekko also used the blossoming technologies of computers and cellular telephones. Too bad Blue Horseshoe loved Blue Star Airlines and Anacott Steel instead of Apple and Microsoft!
This Wall Street sequel is set in 2008 and is an editorial version of the circumstances that led to the market declines, credit crunches, housing bubble burst and bank failures of the past several years. I actually like the way the story was portrayed by Oliver Stone. He used some wind-bag analogies and overly dramatic monologues at both the front and back ends of the film, but the picture he painted in between was both thought provoking and entertaining.
I usually hate it when people make outlandish statements, but as cliché as it sounds, Michael Douglas was born to play Gordon Gekko. He has the style, the look and most importantly the sound of the character. The first third of the film saw Gordon re-building his life after a stay in prison and decrying the twenty first century version of “greed is good.” As I was watching this first third of the film, I couldn’t help but to think to myself that while co-actor Shia LaBeouf (as Jake Moore) seemed to acting his heart out, Michael Douglas just didn’t seem to be selling the part. As Douglas seemed to blandly read the lines he had memorized I started to wonder if his personal pain or family tragedy had spoiled his interest in his craft.
In the aforementioned first third of the film, the first ironic theme occurred when Gordon Gekko was shown smoking his trademark giant cigars. Still a symbol of the old-boys network and backroom dealings on “The Street,” Gekko smoked his stogies like they were an oval office intern. Of course, the irony of seeing Gekko inhale and exhale that poison lies in Michael Douglas’ current battle with throat cancer. While I understand the symbolism and importance of the cigar to the character I have to wonder if either Oliver Stone or Douglas should have used the edit room to remove the smoking reference. To those readers who might say that Douglas’ cancer was caused by “stress” or “alcohol” I urge you to reconsider the possibility that those were the exclusive causes of the disease.
The first third of Wall Street also introduced us to the daughter of Gordon Gekko, Winnie, played by British actress Carey Mulligan. I realize this may be a sensitive subject, and I will be the first to admit that I am no object of desire, but Mulligan seems like a rough combination of minimal beauty and average acting ability. There are certain rolls where the story calls for a specific look (Monster is a great example) but I just didn’t buy Winnie as the daughter of Gordon Gekko. Oliver Stone could have used the look of Winnie to represent her rebellion against her father, but I just could not picture a “Just One of the Guys” transformation of Carey Mulligan into an object of desire. On a side note, does anyone else remember how the media used to always portray Sinead O’Conner as a model quality beauty who shaved her head? That was another situation where I had a hard time picturing the possibilities.
At any rate, the only real value of the Winnie character was some Hilary Swank-ish crying. As you may recall from my review of P.S. I Love You, Hilary completed a marathon exiting of tears to the tune of around two hours and fifteen minutes. While Winnie did not break that record, there was still a lot of tears! Not only tears, but Winnie had the quivering lip cry. I have no idea what Mulligan was thinking about to send out both nickel size tears and the lip quiver but I think the last line of the film should have been:
“No animals were injured during filming, however Bambi was slaughtered over and over in the mind of Carey Mulligan. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.”
The second-third of the Wall Street film saw the meat of the plot unfold and the introduction of Bretton James, played by Josh Brolin. Brolin, famous for his first acting roll in Goonies and for beating his wife (allegedly), has become quite the go-to actor in the past several years. Oliver Stone dropped in ironic theme number two with the casting of Brolin as financial heavyweight (and original Gekko whistle blower) & Wall Street power broker James. The irony, of course, lies in the face of Brolin as a co-conspirator in the financial meltdown and government bailout. The same face used to portray that meltdown is also cinematically tied to George W. Bush, whom Brolin portrayed in 2008’s W.
The third ironic theme came from the only question I wanted answered from the first Wall Street film. When I originally saw the trailer for this new Wall Street I was confused by the introduction of a daughter for Gordon Gekko. Gekko was portrayed as having a son in the first installment but there was never a daughter. I was very curious as to how Oliver Stone was going to explain this one and to be honest I was fearful of a Mummy style switcheroo where Rachel Weisz becomes Maria Bello without any further explanation. Stone not only handled the answer in a smart way, he also brought the real life of Michael Douglas back to the forefront by having Gekko’s son die of drug use despite his best efforts for help. I can only imagine the pain and embarrassment that Douglas has felt with the drug problems of his son that ultimately landed him in prison.
The final third of Wall Street brought the spine tingling moment I had been secretly hoping for but not expecting. Even if for just a few screen moments, Douglas brought out Gordon Gekko in all of his scheming and conniving glory. The moment Gekko was back, the whole story tied itself together along with the brilliant performance of Douglas. While I was feeling sorry for him as he seemed to be robotically and uninspiring reading his lines, he was simply acting as a character who himself was acting.
While the final couple of minutes and ultimate conclusion of the film did not live up to the story that had been painted, I am going to refrain from criticizing it. As with most Hollywood films, there is a need to finish things up with a big red bow and happy ending. Oliver Stone went out of his way in the last 45 seconds of the film to make sure that everyone in the film received some sort of validation, justice or comfort. The true story that Wall Street mirrors had no real winners, so why not leave us all with something to look forward to. It was as if Stone was reminding all of us that it is "Morning in America."
So, to wrap this one up, let me just say that this Blue Horseshoe loves Magellan Midstream Partners LP. It’s a solid, dividend paying stock that you should consider.
Warren
The first Wall Street movie takes me back to a simpler time. In 1987 Wall Street wasn’t focused on credit default swaps, collateralized debt obligations and stock/warrant off-balance sheet research & development. Twenty three years ago Gordon Gekko used a mule-team of insiders and tipsters to manipulate the share prices of vulnerable companies in order to buy them at a discount and sell them off as unit parts. In 1987 Gordon Gekko also used the blossoming technologies of computers and cellular telephones. Too bad Blue Horseshoe loved Blue Star Airlines and Anacott Steel instead of Apple and Microsoft!
This Wall Street sequel is set in 2008 and is an editorial version of the circumstances that led to the market declines, credit crunches, housing bubble burst and bank failures of the past several years. I actually like the way the story was portrayed by Oliver Stone. He used some wind-bag analogies and overly dramatic monologues at both the front and back ends of the film, but the picture he painted in between was both thought provoking and entertaining.
I usually hate it when people make outlandish statements, but as cliché as it sounds, Michael Douglas was born to play Gordon Gekko. He has the style, the look and most importantly the sound of the character. The first third of the film saw Gordon re-building his life after a stay in prison and decrying the twenty first century version of “greed is good.” As I was watching this first third of the film, I couldn’t help but to think to myself that while co-actor Shia LaBeouf (as Jake Moore) seemed to acting his heart out, Michael Douglas just didn’t seem to be selling the part. As Douglas seemed to blandly read the lines he had memorized I started to wonder if his personal pain or family tragedy had spoiled his interest in his craft.
In the aforementioned first third of the film, the first ironic theme occurred when Gordon Gekko was shown smoking his trademark giant cigars. Still a symbol of the old-boys network and backroom dealings on “The Street,” Gekko smoked his stogies like they were an oval office intern. Of course, the irony of seeing Gekko inhale and exhale that poison lies in Michael Douglas’ current battle with throat cancer. While I understand the symbolism and importance of the cigar to the character I have to wonder if either Oliver Stone or Douglas should have used the edit room to remove the smoking reference. To those readers who might say that Douglas’ cancer was caused by “stress” or “alcohol” I urge you to reconsider the possibility that those were the exclusive causes of the disease.
The first third of Wall Street also introduced us to the daughter of Gordon Gekko, Winnie, played by British actress Carey Mulligan. I realize this may be a sensitive subject, and I will be the first to admit that I am no object of desire, but Mulligan seems like a rough combination of minimal beauty and average acting ability. There are certain rolls where the story calls for a specific look (Monster is a great example) but I just didn’t buy Winnie as the daughter of Gordon Gekko. Oliver Stone could have used the look of Winnie to represent her rebellion against her father, but I just could not picture a “Just One of the Guys” transformation of Carey Mulligan into an object of desire. On a side note, does anyone else remember how the media used to always portray Sinead O’Conner as a model quality beauty who shaved her head? That was another situation where I had a hard time picturing the possibilities.
At any rate, the only real value of the Winnie character was some Hilary Swank-ish crying. As you may recall from my review of P.S. I Love You, Hilary completed a marathon exiting of tears to the tune of around two hours and fifteen minutes. While Winnie did not break that record, there was still a lot of tears! Not only tears, but Winnie had the quivering lip cry. I have no idea what Mulligan was thinking about to send out both nickel size tears and the lip quiver but I think the last line of the film should have been:
“No animals were injured during filming, however Bambi was slaughtered over and over in the mind of Carey Mulligan. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.”
The second-third of the Wall Street film saw the meat of the plot unfold and the introduction of Bretton James, played by Josh Brolin. Brolin, famous for his first acting roll in Goonies and for beating his wife (allegedly), has become quite the go-to actor in the past several years. Oliver Stone dropped in ironic theme number two with the casting of Brolin as financial heavyweight (and original Gekko whistle blower) & Wall Street power broker James. The irony, of course, lies in the face of Brolin as a co-conspirator in the financial meltdown and government bailout. The same face used to portray that meltdown is also cinematically tied to George W. Bush, whom Brolin portrayed in 2008’s W.
The third ironic theme came from the only question I wanted answered from the first Wall Street film. When I originally saw the trailer for this new Wall Street I was confused by the introduction of a daughter for Gordon Gekko. Gekko was portrayed as having a son in the first installment but there was never a daughter. I was very curious as to how Oliver Stone was going to explain this one and to be honest I was fearful of a Mummy style switcheroo where Rachel Weisz becomes Maria Bello without any further explanation. Stone not only handled the answer in a smart way, he also brought the real life of Michael Douglas back to the forefront by having Gekko’s son die of drug use despite his best efforts for help. I can only imagine the pain and embarrassment that Douglas has felt with the drug problems of his son that ultimately landed him in prison.
The final third of Wall Street brought the spine tingling moment I had been secretly hoping for but not expecting. Even if for just a few screen moments, Douglas brought out Gordon Gekko in all of his scheming and conniving glory. The moment Gekko was back, the whole story tied itself together along with the brilliant performance of Douglas. While I was feeling sorry for him as he seemed to be robotically and uninspiring reading his lines, he was simply acting as a character who himself was acting.
While the final couple of minutes and ultimate conclusion of the film did not live up to the story that had been painted, I am going to refrain from criticizing it. As with most Hollywood films, there is a need to finish things up with a big red bow and happy ending. Oliver Stone went out of his way in the last 45 seconds of the film to make sure that everyone in the film received some sort of validation, justice or comfort. The true story that Wall Street mirrors had no real winners, so why not leave us all with something to look forward to. It was as if Stone was reminding all of us that it is "Morning in America."
So, to wrap this one up, let me just say that this Blue Horseshoe loves Magellan Midstream Partners LP. It’s a solid, dividend paying stock that you should consider.
Warren
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Expendables, the Musical!
Sorry for the delay in posting a new movie review. I have watched several movies lately but they have mostly been mediocre (at best) and not really worthy of your precious reading time. A few examples of movies you can probably avoid (or at least wait until they are on free television) are Dinner for Schmucks, The Other Guys & Date Night. I will reserve the right to write a few words about a couple of movies I did actually find interesting including Cyrus, The Book of Eli and most surprisingly Clash of the Titans. Clash was actually a very entertaining movie and I personally thought the Maria Carey-like (Mimi to me) glow given to Liam Neeson as Zeus was pretty terrific. Neeson made Zeus look like a back-up singer for Neil Diamond and that is how I like to think of my Greek mythology!
For now, Clash will have to wait until another day. We have some expendables to discuss. I have to admit I was somewhat surprised when I realized that The Expendables was an action adventure film. I just assumed that it was an accounting how-to picture that would answer Schedule A questions and discuss the legality of off-shore tax shelters.
As it turns out, the expendables are a group of mercenary middle aged tough guys who ride motorcycles, tattoo each other, and overthrow tyrannical dictators. The film is written, directed and stars Sylvester Stallone as the eldest statesman mercenary who leads his band of merry men into difficult combat situations all over the globe. His merry men are all of your favorite action stars of the past two decades including Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
This film also had several fringe characters (Willis and Arnold were just cameos) including Terry Crews and the always terrible Randy Couture. If you don’t know the name Randy Couture he is a cage fighter who has terrible cauliflower ear and previously starred in the straight-to-video Scorpion King 2. Not only is he a terrible actor, Randy also mixes in way too many body slams in his hand-to-hand combat scenes. I don’t want to singly fault Randy for the abundance of body slams (I realize there are stunt coordinators and a seasoned Director also at fault) but as a professional fighter he should know better. I will freely admit that I have been in only a few fights (mostly during Justin Bieber concerts) but I have never seen the body slam as either a functional or debilitating offensive maneuver. Picking a dude up for a body slam is both physically awkward and also requires the assistance of your opponent.
As you are reading this step out of your cubical (or office for those of you so lucky) and the next guy to walk by put one arm between his legs, the opposite hand on his shoulder and try to pick him up. I can almost guarantee that you are not going to be successful. I say “almost guarantee” because I don’t know where all of you work (if you work at an anorexic hospital or midget talent agency you might have slightly different results), but even if you are able to hoist your co-worker up for a body slam, go ahead and throw him down to the ground to check his reaction. The most common reaction has to be a combination of surprise and bewilderment. You might hear the following: “you just body slammed me! Why?”
I guess the lesson here is, follow up your jump punch attempt with a body slam. If I can keep this blog going I might be able to choreograph a full fight sequence using only the most absurd and least damaging maneuvers ever attempted. In my mind the sequence can only be captured in super slow motion, in a pounding rain, with Charlotte Church singing in the background.
Beyond the unusual number of body slams utilized in the fight sequences of this film there is also a dizzying array of explosions, float plane flights, Mickey Rourke tears, and hand held guns that blow the bad guys in half.
The float plane was actually a cool piece of movie nostalgia. I especially liked the scene where the pilot of the plane (Stallone) just flips a switch below the term “auto-pilot” which looked like it was pasted on the control panel with a label maker. Too bad he couldn’t have picked up a rotary phone to call to the back of the plane to ask Jet Li to “give me more power.” I guess if the request for more power went unanswered Stallone could have always tapped out S.O.S. on the vibroplex.
There was one rather peculiar scene involving the float plane where the plane dumped some excess fuel from a wing onto a dock and then Jason Statham ignited the fuel from the plane causing the dock to explode. It was definitely a cool scene and a great explosion but why did the gas stop burning once it blew up the dock? The wing of the float plane was clearly still emitting fuel when the explosion occurred so wouldn’t the flame follow the fuel and ultimately blow up the wing of the plane? I would hate to think that something I saw in Die Hard 2 (Die Harder) was not true. Didn’t McClane blow up General Esperanza’s plane by igniting the fuel leak from the plane’s wing?
Speaking of explosions, there was also an interesting scene at General Garza’s compound where a moat surrounding the main house was ignited and created a huge explosion and a strong enough burn to eventually engulf & kill “Stunning” Steve Austin. When I saw this I was really impressed. I mean it was another huge explosion and then a continued strong burn that the characters had to jump over and it really lit up the screen. But then I started thinking, why would you have a gasoline moat around your house? This just seems like a terrible idea! Forget the pungent odor that you would have in surround-smell every morning (all day for that matter), what about just the danger! If you are a drug pushing dictator you have to live a certain way. You need fire effects around your pool, you have to smoke unreasonably large cigars, you need to randomly fire large guns, and you have to celebrate every mid-level holiday with a fireworks show. Putting a gasoline moat around your house really cramps the style of the twenty-first century dictator.
Another thing that can really cramp the style of a dictator is the lack of a compound security system. Why were Stallone and his men able to freely move about the compound to rescue Sandra and set all of their bombs without anyone noticing? I mean, this island was supposed to be just a few miles into the Gulf of Mexico. If there isn’t a Costco on the island I am sure they can overnight a few security cameras from the New Orleans store! For crap sakes there are three security cameras at my office and no one here has ever carried a bill larger than a ten in their wallet. If you are a dictator and control the drug trade you need to pony up the $599 and buy a security system.
So, to wrap this one up I would like to give a shout out to my lovely wife who came up with the line of the day when watching The Expendables. Dolph Lundgren’s character in this film goes from good guy to bad guy and back to good guy. In the period between bad guy and good guy he gets shot by Stallone and in a suspense building scene pulls Stallone close to whisper something into his ear (the audience is not privy to the whispered comment). My wife didn’t miss a beat when she noted that Dolph probably whispered “I must break you.”
Warren
For now, Clash will have to wait until another day. We have some expendables to discuss. I have to admit I was somewhat surprised when I realized that The Expendables was an action adventure film. I just assumed that it was an accounting how-to picture that would answer Schedule A questions and discuss the legality of off-shore tax shelters.
As it turns out, the expendables are a group of mercenary middle aged tough guys who ride motorcycles, tattoo each other, and overthrow tyrannical dictators. The film is written, directed and stars Sylvester Stallone as the eldest statesman mercenary who leads his band of merry men into difficult combat situations all over the globe. His merry men are all of your favorite action stars of the past two decades including Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
This film also had several fringe characters (Willis and Arnold were just cameos) including Terry Crews and the always terrible Randy Couture. If you don’t know the name Randy Couture he is a cage fighter who has terrible cauliflower ear and previously starred in the straight-to-video Scorpion King 2. Not only is he a terrible actor, Randy also mixes in way too many body slams in his hand-to-hand combat scenes. I don’t want to singly fault Randy for the abundance of body slams (I realize there are stunt coordinators and a seasoned Director also at fault) but as a professional fighter he should know better. I will freely admit that I have been in only a few fights (mostly during Justin Bieber concerts) but I have never seen the body slam as either a functional or debilitating offensive maneuver. Picking a dude up for a body slam is both physically awkward and also requires the assistance of your opponent.
As you are reading this step out of your cubical (or office for those of you so lucky) and the next guy to walk by put one arm between his legs, the opposite hand on his shoulder and try to pick him up. I can almost guarantee that you are not going to be successful. I say “almost guarantee” because I don’t know where all of you work (if you work at an anorexic hospital or midget talent agency you might have slightly different results), but even if you are able to hoist your co-worker up for a body slam, go ahead and throw him down to the ground to check his reaction. The most common reaction has to be a combination of surprise and bewilderment. You might hear the following: “you just body slammed me! Why?”
I guess the lesson here is, follow up your jump punch attempt with a body slam. If I can keep this blog going I might be able to choreograph a full fight sequence using only the most absurd and least damaging maneuvers ever attempted. In my mind the sequence can only be captured in super slow motion, in a pounding rain, with Charlotte Church singing in the background.
Beyond the unusual number of body slams utilized in the fight sequences of this film there is also a dizzying array of explosions, float plane flights, Mickey Rourke tears, and hand held guns that blow the bad guys in half.
The float plane was actually a cool piece of movie nostalgia. I especially liked the scene where the pilot of the plane (Stallone) just flips a switch below the term “auto-pilot” which looked like it was pasted on the control panel with a label maker. Too bad he couldn’t have picked up a rotary phone to call to the back of the plane to ask Jet Li to “give me more power.” I guess if the request for more power went unanswered Stallone could have always tapped out S.O.S. on the vibroplex.
There was one rather peculiar scene involving the float plane where the plane dumped some excess fuel from a wing onto a dock and then Jason Statham ignited the fuel from the plane causing the dock to explode. It was definitely a cool scene and a great explosion but why did the gas stop burning once it blew up the dock? The wing of the float plane was clearly still emitting fuel when the explosion occurred so wouldn’t the flame follow the fuel and ultimately blow up the wing of the plane? I would hate to think that something I saw in Die Hard 2 (Die Harder) was not true. Didn’t McClane blow up General Esperanza’s plane by igniting the fuel leak from the plane’s wing?
Speaking of explosions, there was also an interesting scene at General Garza’s compound where a moat surrounding the main house was ignited and created a huge explosion and a strong enough burn to eventually engulf & kill “Stunning” Steve Austin. When I saw this I was really impressed. I mean it was another huge explosion and then a continued strong burn that the characters had to jump over and it really lit up the screen. But then I started thinking, why would you have a gasoline moat around your house? This just seems like a terrible idea! Forget the pungent odor that you would have in surround-smell every morning (all day for that matter), what about just the danger! If you are a drug pushing dictator you have to live a certain way. You need fire effects around your pool, you have to smoke unreasonably large cigars, you need to randomly fire large guns, and you have to celebrate every mid-level holiday with a fireworks show. Putting a gasoline moat around your house really cramps the style of the twenty-first century dictator.
Another thing that can really cramp the style of a dictator is the lack of a compound security system. Why were Stallone and his men able to freely move about the compound to rescue Sandra and set all of their bombs without anyone noticing? I mean, this island was supposed to be just a few miles into the Gulf of Mexico. If there isn’t a Costco on the island I am sure they can overnight a few security cameras from the New Orleans store! For crap sakes there are three security cameras at my office and no one here has ever carried a bill larger than a ten in their wallet. If you are a dictator and control the drug trade you need to pony up the $599 and buy a security system.
So, to wrap this one up I would like to give a shout out to my lovely wife who came up with the line of the day when watching The Expendables. Dolph Lundgren’s character in this film goes from good guy to bad guy and back to good guy. In the period between bad guy and good guy he gets shot by Stallone and in a suspense building scene pulls Stallone close to whisper something into his ear (the audience is not privy to the whispered comment). My wife didn’t miss a beat when she noted that Dolph probably whispered “I must break you.”
Warren
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Did Matthew Kill Kenny?
I just finished watching the 12th season of “South Park”. Over the years I kind of lost interest in the series. Trey Parker and Matt Stone go to some deranged places and it was getting to the point where they were trying too hard to be offensive and they forgot that they were being broadcast on a channel called Comedy Central. The Comedy was no longer Central. They were editorialists, much as they always have been, but they were bitchy and unctuous.
Well in the 12th season they return to form. But in a matured form. I don’t mean to say that their humor is mature. Fart jokes still predominate. But they have matured as artists and satirists. In the 12th season, Parker and Stone remember why their show became a cultural milestone. For this season the show has a definite existential bent.
The season contains many episodes which the intelligentsia will consider classics, as soon as the intelligentsia discovers Comedy Central. The season starts with “Tonsil Trouble.” Cartman gets his tonsils out, but gets infected with AIDS as a consequence of the surgery. Any fans of the show will immediately get the irony. Eric Cartman isn’t simply a homophobe; he is the ultimate racist, misanthrope. Kyle Broslofski thinks it’s funny and laughs. So Cartman sneaks into Kyle’s room at night and medicine drops blood into his mouth – infecting him with AIDS. Hilarity ensues involving Magic Johnson and the lesson of the episode is that extraordinarily large amounts of money cure AIDS. There’s a life truism for you. Money cures all problems.
The first episode of the season echoes what has been done before and essentially presages what is to come for the rest of the season. That is to say, the humor will be infantile. Preposterous events will occur and the protagonists will act selfishly always. In fact in episode 7, “Super Fun Time,” Eric espouses exactly that philosophy to Butters. “Life goes by pretty fast and if you don’t stop to smell the flowers some time and do what you want to do all the time, you will miss it.” So the show doesn’t break ground in its approach or its premise. The revelation comes in the gems of shows or lines which happen throughout the season.
My favorite existential moment happens in the second episode, “Britney’s New Look.” I don’t intend to recap every episode here and, in fact, in order to motivate the reader of this blog to watch some of the season for himself, I’ll try not to recap any more episodes. Suffice to say that, “Britney’s New Look,” is a condemnation (yet also an explanation and justification, not exactly humorously, but somehow almost believable) of the culture of elevating preteens to celebrity status and then watching, almost wishing for, them to fall. And the final scene, viewed two years after it was broadcast, is agonizingly prescient.
In all long running series there has to be character development as well. And for me the episode which stands out is episode 9, “The Breast Cancer Show.” This episode legitimately is very educational. If you read certain parts of the script, you would think you were reading a PSA about breast cancer and testimonials about surviving breast cancer. Those portions of the script could stand as great Lifetime television. But this isn’t Lifetime. The joy of this episode is watching Wendy Testurburger kick Cartman’s ass. The leadup to the ass kicking is hilarious as Cartman reveals what a poser he is. The restraint, and the reasons for that restraint, with which Wendy holds back her anger builds tension. The Principal’s counsel to Wendy on how she should handle the situation that she is in provides a turning point towards resolution. And the unbinding of all that dramatic tension is released in a scene of pure, raw, animal aggression not equaled, on any TV show, since season 5’s “Cripple Fight.” Truly a fight scene that should go down in the annals of history as one of the best.
Of course, in any South Park season there must be unfounded, goofy, silliness. Well. Okay. The entire show is goofy. But there are peaks in any season. And Butters, as usual, provides the peak. In episode 8, “The China Probrem (not a misspelling on my part),” Cartman convinces Butters that the Chinese will invade and take over America. A more racist and offensive episode you will never find. It is hilarious. Really no life lesson here. Just f’en hilarious.
And here I must interject and say that I watched these episodes without all of the bleeping going on. South Park is far funnier with no censoring sound effects. I never realized exactly how much they cursed or how varied the curses were. The conversation flows much better when the bleeps are turned off. The conversations sound more authentic. Therein my appeal for adult programming to be allowed to be broadcast as it was intended. Not that this appeal will come to much.
So finally a note on the rest of the season. There are good episodes in this season which I haven’t mentioned yet. Heavy Metal fans (the movie) will enjoy episode 3, “Major Boobage.” If you remember the movie, the title gives away what the episode is about. Politicos will debate the ethos expressed in episode 12, “About Last Night,” for some time. That episode follows the events the night after Obama won the presidency. Anyone who knows school age children will be able to identify with episodes 13 and 14, “Elementary School Musical,” and “The Ungroundable.” Parker and Stone have to beat up on Canada. They do so in episode 4, “Canada on Strike.” And further exposition on the main characters is done in episodes 5, “Eek a Penis!”, wherein a penis growing out of the back of a mouse pauses for a minute on a fence to sing a love song to the moon (not the exposition I was referring to, just a thought provoking scene), and the dual episodes 10 and 11, “Pandemic” and “Pandemic 2: The Startling.” It is in the second part of this story arc that Craig Tucker, a new character, reveals the essential nature of the four main protagonists (Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny) by rebelling against it after they drag him on one of their adventures. But in the end, the life lesson is that possibly we all should embrace their philosophy of life.
And possibly we should.
Matthew
Well in the 12th season they return to form. But in a matured form. I don’t mean to say that their humor is mature. Fart jokes still predominate. But they have matured as artists and satirists. In the 12th season, Parker and Stone remember why their show became a cultural milestone. For this season the show has a definite existential bent.
The season contains many episodes which the intelligentsia will consider classics, as soon as the intelligentsia discovers Comedy Central. The season starts with “Tonsil Trouble.” Cartman gets his tonsils out, but gets infected with AIDS as a consequence of the surgery. Any fans of the show will immediately get the irony. Eric Cartman isn’t simply a homophobe; he is the ultimate racist, misanthrope. Kyle Broslofski thinks it’s funny and laughs. So Cartman sneaks into Kyle’s room at night and medicine drops blood into his mouth – infecting him with AIDS. Hilarity ensues involving Magic Johnson and the lesson of the episode is that extraordinarily large amounts of money cure AIDS. There’s a life truism for you. Money cures all problems.
The first episode of the season echoes what has been done before and essentially presages what is to come for the rest of the season. That is to say, the humor will be infantile. Preposterous events will occur and the protagonists will act selfishly always. In fact in episode 7, “Super Fun Time,” Eric espouses exactly that philosophy to Butters. “Life goes by pretty fast and if you don’t stop to smell the flowers some time and do what you want to do all the time, you will miss it.” So the show doesn’t break ground in its approach or its premise. The revelation comes in the gems of shows or lines which happen throughout the season.
My favorite existential moment happens in the second episode, “Britney’s New Look.” I don’t intend to recap every episode here and, in fact, in order to motivate the reader of this blog to watch some of the season for himself, I’ll try not to recap any more episodes. Suffice to say that, “Britney’s New Look,” is a condemnation (yet also an explanation and justification, not exactly humorously, but somehow almost believable) of the culture of elevating preteens to celebrity status and then watching, almost wishing for, them to fall. And the final scene, viewed two years after it was broadcast, is agonizingly prescient.
In all long running series there has to be character development as well. And for me the episode which stands out is episode 9, “The Breast Cancer Show.” This episode legitimately is very educational. If you read certain parts of the script, you would think you were reading a PSA about breast cancer and testimonials about surviving breast cancer. Those portions of the script could stand as great Lifetime television. But this isn’t Lifetime. The joy of this episode is watching Wendy Testurburger kick Cartman’s ass. The leadup to the ass kicking is hilarious as Cartman reveals what a poser he is. The restraint, and the reasons for that restraint, with which Wendy holds back her anger builds tension. The Principal’s counsel to Wendy on how she should handle the situation that she is in provides a turning point towards resolution. And the unbinding of all that dramatic tension is released in a scene of pure, raw, animal aggression not equaled, on any TV show, since season 5’s “Cripple Fight.” Truly a fight scene that should go down in the annals of history as one of the best.
Of course, in any South Park season there must be unfounded, goofy, silliness. Well. Okay. The entire show is goofy. But there are peaks in any season. And Butters, as usual, provides the peak. In episode 8, “The China Probrem (not a misspelling on my part),” Cartman convinces Butters that the Chinese will invade and take over America. A more racist and offensive episode you will never find. It is hilarious. Really no life lesson here. Just f’en hilarious.
And here I must interject and say that I watched these episodes without all of the bleeping going on. South Park is far funnier with no censoring sound effects. I never realized exactly how much they cursed or how varied the curses were. The conversation flows much better when the bleeps are turned off. The conversations sound more authentic. Therein my appeal for adult programming to be allowed to be broadcast as it was intended. Not that this appeal will come to much.
So finally a note on the rest of the season. There are good episodes in this season which I haven’t mentioned yet. Heavy Metal fans (the movie) will enjoy episode 3, “Major Boobage.” If you remember the movie, the title gives away what the episode is about. Politicos will debate the ethos expressed in episode 12, “About Last Night,” for some time. That episode follows the events the night after Obama won the presidency. Anyone who knows school age children will be able to identify with episodes 13 and 14, “Elementary School Musical,” and “The Ungroundable.” Parker and Stone have to beat up on Canada. They do so in episode 4, “Canada on Strike.” And further exposition on the main characters is done in episodes 5, “Eek a Penis!”, wherein a penis growing out of the back of a mouse pauses for a minute on a fence to sing a love song to the moon (not the exposition I was referring to, just a thought provoking scene), and the dual episodes 10 and 11, “Pandemic” and “Pandemic 2: The Startling.” It is in the second part of this story arc that Craig Tucker, a new character, reveals the essential nature of the four main protagonists (Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny) by rebelling against it after they drag him on one of their adventures. But in the end, the life lesson is that possibly we all should embrace their philosophy of life.
And possibly we should.
Matthew
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Holy Shrek!
For those of you that don’t regularly frequent the American Movie Theaters (AMC), I recently found out that during the summer of 2010 they are offering half price tickets to all weekday movies. This offer, combined with free popcorn Wednesdays, made my recent trip to the theater a value driven decision. Of course, it should be noted that half price for a movie ticket is still $5.50. And a free popcorn bag gets you almost about enough kernels to make a respectable mess on the theater floor. So, $11 seems like a reasonable price for a date night. But wait, there’s more! For whatever reason, a movie in 3D costs $8.25. Assuming this is the half price cost of the ticket I guess weekend moviegoers pay $16.50 for the privilege of watching animation come to life.
As you have probably read from my previous review of Avatar I like the idea of 3D movies. Maybe I should say “I liked” the idea of 3D movies because this is just getting out of hand. Not every movie needs to be in 3D. When a movie is specifically filmed in that format it can be an immersive and fun experience. When a movie is retro-fit to the format it is just overpriced. The Readers Digest version of retrofit 3D is that the original print of the film is overlaid by a second print of the film. The glasses have two different lenses which then provide a unique view of the film for each eye. When your two eyes have a different view of the same subject it creates the illusion of depth.
While a retrofit 3D print of a movie uses the same print laid on top of itself, a movie filmed for 3D actually uses two cameras to shoot a scene from slightly different perspectives. As you can imagine, this is both costly and time consuming. My guess would be that the actors would have a period of adjustment like they are reading the news and never quite sure which camera to look at. I am sure that a short acting lesson from Ron Burgundy would make even the most seasoned actor more comfortable in front of the 3D cameras.
So now that we know how much I paid, what I ate, and how the magic of 3D is created, let’s roll the opening credits to Shrek Forever After. Shrek is an animated second cousin to The Hulk. Actually though, Fiona (Shrek’s wife) may also be related to the Hulk. If you think about it, both characters are normal bipeds that change from a socially accepted state into a green oversized cartoon. Anyway, Shrek has appeared in three previous movies, he has done some print work and I think he also had a Christmas special. If the money isn’t right, Shrek won’t get off the couch, so this is supposedly his last movie. What a way to go out!
The basic premise of this fourth Shrek film is that Shrek has no job. Ok, that is not the premise but other than Snow White are there any animated movies where the characters actually have jobs?
The real premise of the film is that Shrek has settled into a life much like that of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. He has to deal with the same crying kids, screaming friends and overzealous tourists every day. So, in a sort of mid-green crisis he decides that he longs for the freedom to terrorize townspeople, fart, mud wrestle and skip to the soothing sounds of ABBA (these are the same reasons Matthew moved to San Francisco). In order to fulfill this desire Shrek has to make a deal with tiny magician Rumpelstiltskin (too bad Doug Henning wasn’t available) whereby exchanging a meaningless day in his childhood for a day in an alternate universe.
At this point, I was enjoying the movie and thinking that I could go along with this ruse as long as the writer remembers the principals we learned from Doc Brown. I will admit that everything I know about time travel I learned from Back to the Future. So what? Where did you get your knowledge of time travel? Emmett L. Brown is a Doctor.
When Shrek completes the deal with Rumpelstiltskin he is magically transported into a world where no one knows him, everyone is afraid of him and Rumpelstiltskin is the King of Far Far Away. Whoops! As it turns out, Rumpelstiltskin is an ENRON executive and the meaningless day in Shrek’s childhood turned out to be the day of his birth. So, Shrek was never born and thus he never saved Fiona and Rumpelstiltskin became King (there are some other important details in there that I am leaving out but I am reviewing the movie not summarizing it).
This may work for children (presumably the target audience for the film) but it doesn’t work for me! Assuming that Rumpelstiltskin took away the day of Shrek’s birth how can it be that he was not born? Shrek’s mother (the Jolly Green Giant’s sister?) was still pregnant with him for 9 months; did that just go away on the actual birth day? Did Rumpelstiltskin murder the baby Shrek? Let’s dissect the question in this manner – if Rumpelstiltskin had taken a different day from Shrek’s childhood wouldn’t Shrek have existed the day before and the day after? “I will take 21st Century Animated Philosophy for $2000 Alex.”
Moving past the pontification portion of the review, the film rumbled along with Shrek being forced to evade capture, find Fiona and make her fall in love with him all over again to save his future while also saving the alternate universe of Far Far Away.
Hold your breath...keep holding it...ten more seconds...you are getting close...three...two...almost there...one...
Shrek saved his future and Far Far Away. Thank goodness!
While the adventure was adventurous and the effects were special, the ending was a poke directly into the eye of the space time continuum. Shrek made the day trading deal with Rumpelstiltskin after losing his cool at his children’s birthday party and running away through the woods. When Shrek and Fiona kissed in the alternate universe, whereby voiding the day trading contract and saving both the actual present and an alternate present, he was transported from the alternate present to the actual past. Confused? So was I!
The film comes to a conclusion by sending Shrek back to the period during the birthday party so that he could tell Fiona he loves her and not embarrass himself in front of his children. Interestingly, Shrek arrives at the party in a spiritual sense with full knowledge of his adventures in the alternate universe. A quick pan shot outside of the party site showed Rumpelstiltskin who appeared to have no knowledge of his adventures in the alternate universe.
If Shrek arrived at the party in a spiritual sense (meaning his body was already there at the party the moment his alternate universe adventures ended) then he must have also left the magical deal site in the same sense. You couldn’t send the physical Shrek into the alternate universe but bring back only the spiritual Shrek.
Are you following me on this one? If Shrek did not physically leave the magical deal site but then spiritually returned to the birthday party prior to when he made the deal at the magical deal site...there are now two Shreks!
I am going to wrap this one up the only way possible:
“Great Scott!”
Warren
As you have probably read from my previous review of Avatar I like the idea of 3D movies. Maybe I should say “I liked” the idea of 3D movies because this is just getting out of hand. Not every movie needs to be in 3D. When a movie is specifically filmed in that format it can be an immersive and fun experience. When a movie is retro-fit to the format it is just overpriced. The Readers Digest version of retrofit 3D is that the original print of the film is overlaid by a second print of the film. The glasses have two different lenses which then provide a unique view of the film for each eye. When your two eyes have a different view of the same subject it creates the illusion of depth.
While a retrofit 3D print of a movie uses the same print laid on top of itself, a movie filmed for 3D actually uses two cameras to shoot a scene from slightly different perspectives. As you can imagine, this is both costly and time consuming. My guess would be that the actors would have a period of adjustment like they are reading the news and never quite sure which camera to look at. I am sure that a short acting lesson from Ron Burgundy would make even the most seasoned actor more comfortable in front of the 3D cameras.
So now that we know how much I paid, what I ate, and how the magic of 3D is created, let’s roll the opening credits to Shrek Forever After. Shrek is an animated second cousin to The Hulk. Actually though, Fiona (Shrek’s wife) may also be related to the Hulk. If you think about it, both characters are normal bipeds that change from a socially accepted state into a green oversized cartoon. Anyway, Shrek has appeared in three previous movies, he has done some print work and I think he also had a Christmas special. If the money isn’t right, Shrek won’t get off the couch, so this is supposedly his last movie. What a way to go out!
The basic premise of this fourth Shrek film is that Shrek has no job. Ok, that is not the premise but other than Snow White are there any animated movies where the characters actually have jobs?
The real premise of the film is that Shrek has settled into a life much like that of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. He has to deal with the same crying kids, screaming friends and overzealous tourists every day. So, in a sort of mid-green crisis he decides that he longs for the freedom to terrorize townspeople, fart, mud wrestle and skip to the soothing sounds of ABBA (these are the same reasons Matthew moved to San Francisco). In order to fulfill this desire Shrek has to make a deal with tiny magician Rumpelstiltskin (too bad Doug Henning wasn’t available) whereby exchanging a meaningless day in his childhood for a day in an alternate universe.
At this point, I was enjoying the movie and thinking that I could go along with this ruse as long as the writer remembers the principals we learned from Doc Brown. I will admit that everything I know about time travel I learned from Back to the Future. So what? Where did you get your knowledge of time travel? Emmett L. Brown is a Doctor.
When Shrek completes the deal with Rumpelstiltskin he is magically transported into a world where no one knows him, everyone is afraid of him and Rumpelstiltskin is the King of Far Far Away. Whoops! As it turns out, Rumpelstiltskin is an ENRON executive and the meaningless day in Shrek’s childhood turned out to be the day of his birth. So, Shrek was never born and thus he never saved Fiona and Rumpelstiltskin became King (there are some other important details in there that I am leaving out but I am reviewing the movie not summarizing it).
This may work for children (presumably the target audience for the film) but it doesn’t work for me! Assuming that Rumpelstiltskin took away the day of Shrek’s birth how can it be that he was not born? Shrek’s mother (the Jolly Green Giant’s sister?) was still pregnant with him for 9 months; did that just go away on the actual birth day? Did Rumpelstiltskin murder the baby Shrek? Let’s dissect the question in this manner – if Rumpelstiltskin had taken a different day from Shrek’s childhood wouldn’t Shrek have existed the day before and the day after? “I will take 21st Century Animated Philosophy for $2000 Alex.”
Moving past the pontification portion of the review, the film rumbled along with Shrek being forced to evade capture, find Fiona and make her fall in love with him all over again to save his future while also saving the alternate universe of Far Far Away.
Hold your breath...keep holding it...ten more seconds...you are getting close...three...two...almost there...one...
Shrek saved his future and Far Far Away. Thank goodness!
While the adventure was adventurous and the effects were special, the ending was a poke directly into the eye of the space time continuum. Shrek made the day trading deal with Rumpelstiltskin after losing his cool at his children’s birthday party and running away through the woods. When Shrek and Fiona kissed in the alternate universe, whereby voiding the day trading contract and saving both the actual present and an alternate present, he was transported from the alternate present to the actual past. Confused? So was I!
The film comes to a conclusion by sending Shrek back to the period during the birthday party so that he could tell Fiona he loves her and not embarrass himself in front of his children. Interestingly, Shrek arrives at the party in a spiritual sense with full knowledge of his adventures in the alternate universe. A quick pan shot outside of the party site showed Rumpelstiltskin who appeared to have no knowledge of his adventures in the alternate universe.
If Shrek arrived at the party in a spiritual sense (meaning his body was already there at the party the moment his alternate universe adventures ended) then he must have also left the magical deal site in the same sense. You couldn’t send the physical Shrek into the alternate universe but bring back only the spiritual Shrek.
Are you following me on this one? If Shrek did not physically leave the magical deal site but then spiritually returned to the birthday party prior to when he made the deal at the magical deal site...there are now two Shreks!
I am going to wrap this one up the only way possible:
“Great Scott!”
Warren
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