So I finally got around to reviewing “Donkey Punch.” Warren had sent me the video, oh I don’t know, maybe three months ago and I just kept putting off watching it. It just didn’t seem like the kind of movie that I would enjoy. So it sat on my shelf for a while. And every time I was near that part of the apartment, the DVD box confronted me, blaring its title, accusing me of negligence. Finally I had to watch the silly film, if only to assuage my guilt.
Now the best part of any schlock DVD is the coming attractions. “Donkey Punch,” is put out by Six Shooter Productions and the movie studio just had to take this opportunity to tell us about its other exciting film fare. By far the best of the bunch is “Big Man Japan.”
Apparently ever since the bombs were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima at the end of World War II, Japan has been protected by large men. Think thinner taller sumo wrestlers. Sort of malformed – bulging in strange places. No, not there. Like an extra bulky neck. Or a prodigious hamstring. And these oddly shaped 12 foot tall men battle even weirder monsters. Giant pink flower men with bulbous noggins? I understood Godzilla movies, but this latest genre befuddles me.
Then there is the requisite vampire movie, “Let the Right One In.” In Icelandish I think. It’s about a ne’er-do-well kid who befriends a little girl just to have a friend. And she turns out to be a vampire. Isn’t that always the way? And of course no schlock movie set would be complete without a Michael Rappaport movie. The one on this set is called “Special.” Mr. Rappaport is mentally retarded (isn’t he always mentally retarded in every movie he does?) takes drugs and believes he has superpowers. So he embarrasses himself, hurts himself and does thwart a crime or two, because hey, if you were a petty crook just holding up a 7-11 wouldn’t you drop your gun and run after being tackled by a large nutjob bouncing around in his long underwear?
But enough about the previews. There is an actual movie here. Incidentally, I have referenced schlock a number of times which usually means poorly funded. Guess who funded this movie? The British Lottery. That’s right, whereas in our country we use lottery funds to help schools, the brits fund bad movies. Time to rethink our awe of English cultural superiority.
Yes that’s right “Donkey Punch,” is a foreign film. Now it’s not so foreign that you need to read subtitles (well there is one character who would have benefitted from having subtitles), but it is a foreign film. Which I guess means it has a different sensibility to it. Different pacing. Different agenda. The director even says (in the DVD extras) that he specifically didn’t want to make a typical American teen slasher horror flick. And he didn’t at that. Like all European films, “Donkey Punch,” is far more concerned with character development and displaying angst and the hidden emotions of the characters. So there’s that to muddle through as you look out for the good parts. Oh, also European films have bad soundtracks. This one is no exception to that rule. It alternates between thumping Euro beat disco and syrupy unintelligible soaring female voices.
The movie certainly starts out in familiar territory. Three winsome vacuous twenty-something girls are vacationing in a warm sunny place. This time the girls happen to be English and the place happens to be Ibizza in the Mediterranean, off the coast of Spain. They put on slinky outfits and go out on the town to hook up with boys and get them to buy the girls drinks. The three girls meet three guys, English of course. The guys claim to be sailors for hire that have just piloted the yacht on which they crew into Ibizza. And since the owners of the yacht have flown back to their own homes, these three guys have the yacht to themselves. Why don’t the three lovleys come back to the boat and we can party there?
And so the movie kicks into gear. The six young stars board the yacht where a fourth guy has been staying on the boat to watch it. Three girls, four guys – someone is going to be left out. They start partying on the boat. The music starts blaring. The fourth guy who was left on the boat becomes a killjoy and says that they can’t blare the music so loud or else they will all get in trouble with the dockmaster. So it’s decided to take this party to the high seas. And the fun and tension is ratcheted up another notch.
Of course to have a proper party you need one bad boy. You know, the guy who has the drugs. Who pushes everyone to go a little outside of their comfort zone. This part is played by some lower class cockney dude. He is the hardass of the film. He is the one I was referring to when I said that one of the characters would have benefitted from having subtitles. Not that the dialogue is all that stimulating throughout the film but there are parts of the movie when he talks and then everyone laughs or reacts in a significant way, and I was left saying “wha?” I didn’t get the joke.
So the boat goes out sea. Everyone goes jumping off the side of the boat – some nice wet bikini shots, etc. Playing in the water, laughing, taking drugs, drinking, yadda, yadda, yadda. The young people sit around at one point and discuss sexual proclivities – hey have you ever heard of a “tarmac” or a “dirty sanchez”, etc. Sure I know someone who did that. It was awful. And then the cockney guy asks if anyone has heard of a “Donkey Punch”. He describes what it is and everyone is suitably disgusted.
The evening wears on. The drugs kick in. The sex talk has gotten everyone excited. Two of the girls and two of the guys go below deck to start something a little more serious. And an orgy breaks out below deck, complete with video camera. The wimpiest of the guys, the one who would be left out if everyone paired off correctly, goes below deck to watch the orgy. Not hidden in the shadows or anything, but just kind of sitting in the room watching the sex. One of the pairs gets to a stopping point so the cockney dude tells the wimpy guy that now it’s his turn. The wimpy guys gets behind the sleazy naked blond and starts going at it. She is enjoying herself. The cockney guy is filming away. He exhorts the wimpy guy to just do it. “Come on,” he says. “You know what to do.” “Just do it” “Do it”
So the wimpy guy donkey punches the girl.
And that is the zenith of the movie. That is the scene we have all been waiting for. The movie has built to the crescendo, delivers, and then devolves from there, becoming very European again. The rest of the movie is a long psychological examination of the personal angst each character suffers as they decide what they are going to do next. There is a lot of blame shifting and screaming and recriminations. Very European in its treatment of trauma. And here I have to mention one other distinctly European flair. There is certainly nudity in the orgy scene, some of it quite good. But the bulk of the immediate aftermath of the donkey punch turns into a sausage fest. Whoops, wait I wasn’t expecting that. Yuck. Really, after all the kielbasa shown, the movie isn’t redeemed by the previous female nudity.
And that’s the movie. Not as bad as I expected. Not typical teen horror flick, although there are the requisite slasher parts when the characters start to off each other as they begin to argue about who is guilty for the tragedy that occurred. This movie was just good enough that we may see the director get more work. I just won’t be reviewing anything else that he does.
Matthew
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