You’ll break your F’en neck!

So I finally got around to reviewing “Donkey Punch.” Warren had sent me the video, oh I don’t know, maybe three months ago and I just kept putting off watching it. It just didn’t seem like the kind of movie that I would enjoy. So it sat on my shelf for a while. And every time I was near that part of the apartment, the DVD box confronted me, blaring its title, accusing me of negligence. Finally I had to watch the silly film, if only to assuage my guilt.

Now the best part of any schlock DVD is the coming attractions. “Donkey Punch,” is put out by Six Shooter Productions and the movie studio just had to take this opportunity to tell us about its other exciting film fare. By far the best of the bunch is “Big Man Japan.”

Apparently ever since the bombs were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima at the end of World War II, Japan has been protected by large men. Think thinner taller sumo wrestlers. Sort of malformed – bulging in strange places. No, not there. Like an extra bulky neck. Or a prodigious hamstring. And these oddly shaped 12 foot tall men battle even weirder monsters. Giant pink flower men with bulbous noggins? I understood Godzilla movies, but this latest genre befuddles me.

Then there is the requisite vampire movie, “Let the Right One In.” In Icelandish I think. It’s about a ne’er-do-well kid who befriends a little girl just to have a friend. And she turns out to be a vampire. Isn’t that always the way? And of course no schlock movie set would be complete without a Michael Rappaport movie. The one on this set is called “Special.” Mr. Rappaport is mentally retarded (isn’t he always mentally retarded in every movie he does?) takes drugs and believes he has superpowers. So he embarrasses himself, hurts himself and does thwart a crime or two, because hey, if you were a petty crook just holding up a 7-11 wouldn’t you drop your gun and run after being tackled by a large nutjob bouncing around in his long underwear?

But enough about the previews. There is an actual movie here. Incidentally, I have referenced schlock a number of times which usually means poorly funded. Guess who funded this movie? The British Lottery. That’s right, whereas in our country we use lottery funds to help schools, the brits fund bad movies. Time to rethink our awe of English cultural superiority.

Yes that’s right “Donkey Punch,” is a foreign film. Now it’s not so foreign that you need to read subtitles (well there is one character who would have benefitted from having subtitles), but it is a foreign film. Which I guess means it has a different sensibility to it. Different pacing. Different agenda. The director even says (in the DVD extras) that he specifically didn’t want to make a typical American teen slasher horror flick. And he didn’t at that. Like all European films, “Donkey Punch,” is far more concerned with character development and displaying angst and the hidden emotions of the characters. So there’s that to muddle through as you look out for the good parts. Oh, also European films have bad soundtracks. This one is no exception to that rule. It alternates between thumping Euro beat disco and syrupy unintelligible soaring female voices.

The movie certainly starts out in familiar territory. Three winsome vacuous twenty-something girls are vacationing in a warm sunny place. This time the girls happen to be English and the place happens to be Ibizza in the Mediterranean, off the coast of Spain. They put on slinky outfits and go out on the town to hook up with boys and get them to buy the girls drinks. The three girls meet three guys, English of course. The guys claim to be sailors for hire that have just piloted the yacht on which they crew into Ibizza. And since the owners of the yacht have flown back to their own homes, these three guys have the yacht to themselves. Why don’t the three lovleys come back to the boat and we can party there?

And so the movie kicks into gear. The six young stars board the yacht where a fourth guy has been staying on the boat to watch it. Three girls, four guys – someone is going to be left out. They start partying on the boat. The music starts blaring. The fourth guy who was left on the boat becomes a killjoy and says that they can’t blare the music so loud or else they will all get in trouble with the dockmaster. So it’s decided to take this party to the high seas. And the fun and tension is ratcheted up another notch.

Of course to have a proper party you need one bad boy. You know, the guy who has the drugs. Who pushes everyone to go a little outside of their comfort zone. This part is played by some lower class cockney dude. He is the hardass of the film. He is the one I was referring to when I said that one of the characters would have benefitted from having subtitles. Not that the dialogue is all that stimulating throughout the film but there are parts of the movie when he talks and then everyone laughs or reacts in a significant way, and I was left saying “wha?” I didn’t get the joke.

So the boat goes out sea. Everyone goes jumping off the side of the boat – some nice wet bikini shots, etc. Playing in the water, laughing, taking drugs, drinking, yadda, yadda, yadda. The young people sit around at one point and discuss sexual proclivities – hey have you ever heard of a “tarmac” or a “dirty sanchez”, etc. Sure I know someone who did that. It was awful. And then the cockney guy asks if anyone has heard of a “Donkey Punch”. He describes what it is and everyone is suitably disgusted.

The evening wears on. The drugs kick in. The sex talk has gotten everyone excited. Two of the girls and two of the guys go below deck to start something a little more serious. And an orgy breaks out below deck, complete with video camera. The wimpiest of the guys, the one who would be left out if everyone paired off correctly, goes below deck to watch the orgy. Not hidden in the shadows or anything, but just kind of sitting in the room watching the sex. One of the pairs gets to a stopping point so the cockney dude tells the wimpy guy that now it’s his turn. The wimpy guys gets behind the sleazy naked blond and starts going at it. She is enjoying herself. The cockney guy is filming away. He exhorts the wimpy guy to just do it. “Come on,” he says. “You know what to do.” “Just do it” “Do it”

So the wimpy guy donkey punches the girl.

And that is the zenith of the movie. That is the scene we have all been waiting for. The movie has built to the crescendo, delivers, and then devolves from there, becoming very European again. The rest of the movie is a long psychological examination of the personal angst each character suffers as they decide what they are going to do next. There is a lot of blame shifting and screaming and recriminations. Very European in its treatment of trauma. And here I have to mention one other distinctly European flair. There is certainly nudity in the orgy scene, some of it quite good. But the bulk of the immediate aftermath of the donkey punch turns into a sausage fest. Whoops, wait I wasn’t expecting that. Yuck. Really, after all the kielbasa shown, the movie isn’t redeemed by the previous female nudity.

And that’s the movie. Not as bad as I expected. Not typical teen horror flick, although there are the requisite slasher parts when the characters start to off each other as they begin to argue about who is guilty for the tragedy that occurred. This movie was just good enough that we may see the director get more work. I just won’t be reviewing anything else that he does.

Matthew

The Adjustment Bureau (7 1/4" of Fun)

Wow, do I feel refreshed! I had no idea that NyQuil was so powerful. They are not kidding when they say it is the night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine. I am still getting through my email from the past five months and catching up on a few neglected bills but it doesn’t appear to me that I have missed much. I guess Bears had it right all along, hibernation really does a body good. I don’t know what the loyal readers of this blog like to do after a good five month hibernation but I like to go to the movies.

I guess you could say that I would come out of hibernation to see a new Terence Stamp film. The guy is General Zod for goodness sake, one of the meanest villains of 1980. That being said, Jack O’Halloran if you are reading this blog (and why wouldn’t you be) you are still my favorite villain of 1980 but I really feel as if your effort to enslave the people of Earth was half-hearted at best. I realize that we all have off days and sometimes coming to work as a villain with super powers can seem taxing, but really, there were three of you and there was only one Superman. General Zod was the brains of the Operation, Ursa was the beauty of the Operation and Non – you were the brawn. If you had been stuck in a 1 square foot glass Apartment with two other people and an apparent lack of running water wouldn’t you give it your best brawn(y) effort to ensure you don’t have to go back to those conditions?

So, Terence Stamp is in a film called The Adjustment Bureau (TaB – why wasn’t it the official soft drink of this movie?). This film was a strangely religious view of free will and destiny. I realize that movie reviews are not really supposed to give away the secrets of a film, but I don’t know of a better way to discuss the film other than to pull back some of the curtain on the plot.

The story is actually very simple. TaB is based on a 1950’s Science Fiction short story. I think the short story description is very important because the idea is perfect for a thirty minute episode of The Twilight Zone. Unlike comedies though, this movie didn’t just stretch a thirty minute idea into two hours. TaB actually added a full dramatic Love Story to the idea. The Love Story is so full that I think it could be argued that this film tricks unsuspecting audience members (Men) into enjoying a Chick-flick under the guise of a Science Fiction & Action movie.

The Science Fiction portion of the story involves the life of David Norris, a New York Congressman running for Senate and making out with British women in the men’s room. In the process of living his life, Norris (played by Matt Damon) accidentally witnesses the actions of The Adjustment Bureau. TaB are Angels who keep humans from doing anything stupid and alter their reality when they get off track (of course, the irony here is the thought that with all of the craziness in the world this is us “not doing anything stupid”).

The Love Story portion of the story involves Norris and Elise (the British woman from the men’s room – played by Emily Blunt) who reject their pre-selected path, risking everything to be together. I thought it would have been appropriate at some point for Norris to break out some Hawkeye: “You be strong, you survive…You stay alive no matter what occurs. I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far. I will find you.”

The Action portion of the story involves the running that Norris and Elise have to do to find each other, get together and stay together. I wish I had more to say about the Action in this film but it is mainly just running. Norris walks, jogs and sprints through the streets of New York City like Orenthal James trying to get to the Hertz counter.

So, for Norris to end up with Elise he has to learn the secrets of TaB via a sympathetic and over worked Angel named Harry. Harry explains to Norris that Angles keep humans on their pre-selected life path mainly through the use of a journal and the doors from Monsters Inc. Angels, and presumably their boss – The Chairman (the non-religious reference), do have an unusual blind spot in water. When Harry explained that Angels cannot observe humans in and around water I got a little bit confused. I could have understood if it had been fire that the Angels could not handle but why water?

Besides the water, the main religious contradiction of this movie occurred in the path to the movie’s dramatic ending. It turns out that the powers of Angels are separated from humans by the Fedora. Yep. Fedora. As Angel Harry (he might prefer Harry Angel - I am not sure) explained to Norris, Angels are just like humans except they live a little longer and can pass through doors in a hat. When Angels have their hat on any door can become a short cut to their ultimate destination. So, when Norris needs to utilize the door system to find Elise what does he do? He borrows Harry’s hat.

The Chairman sets a path of destiny for Norris (and Elise) and appoints a whole team of Angels to insure that path is followed but allows one of his Angels to loan out the source of their teleportation power to a human. I am sure the Chairman is busy but shouldn’t there have been some quality control on these hats? I have to remember four unique passwords on my computer just to get to the screen where I can double click on my email icon and enter another password to access messages which generally say (in order of importance): “why are these birds so angry,” “what time is lunch today,” and “will you help me make a video to apply for The Real World” and yet anyone with a seven and a quarter inch head can access the Angel network?

I am sure you can figure out where this story ends up. The hat allows Norris to ultimately find Elise and his determination persuades The Chairman to re-write the future to allow the paths of our two characters to ultimately intersect. I was a little surprised that the movie did not end at that point. The ten minutes of meetings, hearings, Angel comments and voice votes on the future use and control of the Angel hats (while important) seemed excessive.

So, to wrap this one up, no matter what your destiny may be, run. If you can, run when it is raining. And, if it is raining, you might as well wear a hat.

Warren