Everything's Up to Date in Avatar

Let me begin by sending out a Birthday wish to Matthew. The King of Cool turned somewhere between 25 and 50 years old last month and sources say he partied like it was 1999. I even dipped into some of the profits I have earned from this blog's sponsors to purchase him a new, sealed in the packaging, copy of the Midnight Meat Train DVD. We are all looking forward to his thoughts on what is sure to be a timeless cinematic classic. Happy Birthday, Matthew!

Last night I finally made it to see seven time weekly box office winner Avatar. This was my forth attempt to go to the film and with each attempt I became increasingly less interested in returning. My first attempt was on New Year’s Day when my lovely wife and I tried to attend the film with my blogging mentor – Cooking with Jessie and her husband. That attempt failed when we walked into the theater and found three randomly scattered seats. We decided to go to Sherlock Holmes instead.

After we saw Sherlock Holmes we went out to dinner and since the restaurant was crowded I started chatting up the family sitting next to me in the waiting area. I didn’t ask them at the time but I am sure they were out of towners, I can usually tell because out of towners wear their short pants in 50 degree weather while I am in a Parka and Ushanka. At any rate, I asked the male leader of the family what movie they attended (their left over popcorn bag gave them away) and he replied that they saw Sherlock Holmes. I immediately piped in that we had also seen the movie and that the scenes where Sherlock Holmes pre-determined what punches to throw (and in what order) based on their level of damage while brawling were absolutely ridiculous. I also indicated that the homoerotic bro-mance was probably not what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had in mind. The out of towners (male leader, lady friend and two offspring) all said they loved the movie and politely excused themselves.

The very next day I was out for some strenuous exercise on a local golf course and I was paired with some visitors from Michigan. The husband of the group asked me on the first tee if I had recently seen any movies. I replied that I had just seen Sherlock Holmes and that it had these goofy fight scenes, an underdeveloped lead female character (Irene Adler), a questionable relationship between Holmes and Watson, an evil nemesis that look suspiciously like Stanley Tucci, and a contrived ending ala Ocean’s Twelve. The husband was dead silent after I had finished making my declarations about the movie but the wife said “we loved it too!”

In case you were wondering, I just used four paragraphs to say I will be keeping any further opinions regarding Sherlock Holmes to myself!

Getting back to Avatar, the second and third times I tried to attend the movie were both at IMAX screens and both times it was sold out. That might not sound unusual but those two attempts were within the last three weeks. The movie has been out for eight weeks! Each unsuccessful attempt to see the film left me less interested in returning but for some reason I got the itch back last night and my lovely wife and I trekked to the IMAX theater and purchased our way overpriced tickets.

Knowing that we had our tickets in hand and that there were plenty of seats available was actually somewhat exciting but then as we entered the theater we were given our 3D glasses...what a disappointment! In my first attempt to see the film (New Year’s Day) we were actually given the glasses utilized on the Real-D screens and they were cool. It was almost like I was being provided some Blues Brothers Ray-Bans with 3D lenses. Unfortunately, the IMAX glasses were giant plastic glasses recovered from the Captain EO movie. Instead of looking like Elwood I was looking like Jeff Spicoli.

The film itself got off to a quick start and it became evident that James Cameron’s screenplay was going to be heavy on the middle but weak on the beginning and end. That is an unusual way to write a story but I can appreciate what he was doing. Much like George Lucas did, Cameron started his story in the middle knowing that he could build prequels and sequels in the future. Considering the amount of interest and profit this film has already garnered (not to mention Oscar consideration) you can bet there will be many more movies in the future (and a cartoon, and action figures, and Halloween costumes).

There is really no indication as to what year the movie takes place. I know it is in the future but I don’t know how far in the future. Space travel has certainly been figured out because the planet of Pandora has several moons around it so it can’t be in our current solar system. Just as an FYI, the center of our current Galaxy is 27,000 light years away. Amazingly enough, in the future humans have conquered deep space and can travel at a speed faster than that of light but we still dress like Maverick and Charlie from Top Gun.

The rest of the film played out like James Cameron watched Return of the Jedi, Predator, Pocahontas, Rambo and Apocalypto in one all day TBS movie marathon and decided to combine them all into one three hour best-of script.

The main character in the film, Jake Sully is a hardened soldier with no options other than war (Rambo). Jake travels in a spacecraft to a forest planet (Return of the Jedi) where he infiltrates the locals to gain their trust (Pocahontas). While acclimating himself to the locals Jake meets, is trained by, and falls in love with the Chief’s daughter (Pocahontas). With advanced weaponry, the humans fight the locals to gain control of their land (Predator) so it can be harvested for its rich natural resources (Apocalypto). In the end, Jake helps the locals to win a battle with the humans but it is clear the locals have not won the war (Rambo, Predator).

I was really hoping that at the end of the film Jake and the locals would dance in their tree house while the ghostly spirits of Eytukan, Yoda and John Rolfe looked on proudly.

So, what do we think is going to happen in both the prequels and sequels to this movie? If we start with the sequel (I assume they will play out the current characters and then create new characters to foreshadow the current characters) I am guessing that Jake (now fully a local having discarded his human body) will continue to live with the locals, marry Neytiri and start either a traveling family band or open a banana stand. There has to be some conflict so the humans will probably return for a second round of running and explosions which will lead to a destructive and bleak vision of the survival of the locals at the end of this sequel.

In the third installment the bleak picture from the previous sequel will continue to become dark and ominous and I would think that Jake’s wife and the mother of several small locals, Neytiri, will die in a tragic accident probably involving either lawn fertilizer or that man-eating plant from Little Shop of Horrors. Devastated by the accident (and probably somehow personally guilty), Jake will forge a new friendship with a horse beaked, long eared, jive talker with a Jamaican accent who speaks in broken English but offers poignant yet surprisingly simple advice. The powerful bond Jake and (let’s call him) Jar Jar quickly develop over two minutes of screen time will propel them to turn the tide of the war and give the humans no choice but to negotiate a lasting peace involving mineral rights and cell phone towers in exchange for the locals opening up Casinos all over Pandora.

Since the visual effects of the second and third installments of this series have no real chance of living up to the standards set in the first film, and since the story is sure to suffer from the lack of new movies being shown on TBS for James Cameron to watch, I assume there will only be one prequel made and it will probably be a mid-budget film directed by someone other than James Cameron. In fact, I would probably give even odds that the prequel will either be a straight to DVD release or an ABC Family Channel movie of the week. This prequel will no doubt have a few beefed up special effects that seem to indicate that in a period prior to Avatar the locals were even more technologically advanced and the forest had stronger, more dangerous plants, animals and possibly a fountain that predicts the future using terms similar to those found in the Magic 8-ball. The story will follow the birth and maturation of both Jake and Neytiri and in a shocking yet undeveloped twist we will find out that Jake was adopted after his real father gave him up to travel to Pandora to become head of security for the humans. Who knows, maybe they will even throw us a real curve ball and develop Neytiri as a discarded human baby who was found in the woods and her consciousness was transferred to a genetically bred local who was adopted by the Chief. Could Jake and Neytiri really be brother and sister...

So, to wrap this one up, if you are going to see Avatar make sure you pony up a little extra money and see it on the IMAX screen. The entire visual experience was pretty phenomenal! And if this movie wins an Oscar then Mark Hamill, Sylvester Stallone, Mel Gibson, Kelly McGillis and Carl Weathers should be up on that stage with James Cameron.

Warren