I was visiting Universal Studios Hollywood and riding on the Studio Tram when I first saw the preview for Ang Lee’s Hulk. The preview showed nothing except a small house that appeared to have something trying to bust out of it. I don’t recall exactly, but I am guessing that the preview lasted 30 seconds at the most and then the tram continued on to the set of Back to the Future. I can remember that preview because I was pretty darn excited to see a Hulk movie. I loved Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno in The Incredible Hulk television series and I had high hopes that the movie would be just as good. Of course, when I (and the rest of the world for that matter) saw the finished Hulk movie I was terribly disappointed and thought the series was ruined forever.
Have no fear, Universal Studios needs more money, so The Incredible Hulk is here! The new movie stars Edward Norton as Bruce Banner and starts out with a very quick synopsis of why and how Dr. Banner became “gamma-rayed” and how he escaped the clutches of the evil U.S. Military. The early part of the film is set in Brazil where Dr. Banner is working at a Mountain Dew factory (I think this factory also makes Sam’s Cola and Dr. Topper) and trying to cure himself of “Hulk Syndrome.” Of course the U.S. Military finds out about Banner’s location after he spills some blood into a Mountain Dew bottle (this is either a Hulk Temple or a Shirley Hulk) and Stan Lee drinks it (ironic, considering he is the guy who wrote the Hulk comic book). General Ross sends a squad to Brazil to pick up Dr. Banner which includes Emil Blonsky (played by Tim Roth of Pulp Fiction fame) and after some running, jumping, falling and punching, Dr. Banner Hulks-up and eventually ends up naked in the rain forest (this is also what happened after I drank my first beer).
Even though I knew better, when I first saw the initial Hulk scene I was really encouraged. When Dr. Banner is destroying the Mountain Dew factory as the Hulk he is shown in silhouettes and in the shadows. I was excited about this because even though I had seen the movie preview and the DVD box I was still nervous about how the Hulk would look. As it turns out, with all of the good CGI has provided to the movie industry in the past couple of decades, it has absolutely ruined the Hulk franchise. I realize that this is a fictional character that came from the pages of a comic book but really, why does he have to look like a cartoon character. If I wanted to watch someone turn into a cartoon character I would have rented Who Framed Roger Rabbit or The Last Action Hero.
I realize that there are some superhero’s that do not have the best of super powers (Robin comes to mind) but is there any real advantage of turning from a regular guy into a 2-D cartoon? General Ross probably should stop reading books on nuclear science and war strategy and pick up a book on 2-D animation. If shooting the cartoon Hulk in the back (where he is presumably just flat) doesn’t work just try rubbing him with a novelty eraser. If my knowledge of fractal geometry holds true the Hulk cannot stand up to those two tests.
As the movie progresses, Emil Blonsky decides that he wants to be the guy who catches the Hulk so General Ross shoots him up with some of the cream and some of the clear which works pretty well (he runs like Marion Jones, hits like Lyle Alzado and has a giant head like Barry Bonds). But this isn’t enough for Blonsky so he gets Dr. Banner’s secret science buddy to shoot him up with some Hulk blood. This turns Blonsky into a Hulk-like cartoon character called The Abomination. The Abomination goes about destroying everything in sight (Gamma-rage?) until the now captured Banner talks General Ross into letting him escape so he can fight with The Abomination. What happened next really did not make a lot of sense for me; Banner jumped out of a helicopter and hit the pavement only to climb out of the pavement as the Hulk. Maybe there is some Great Gatsby-esque symbolism in this maneuver but maybe someone in the helicopter should have raised the simple question “what happens if you don’t turn into the Hulk?” Can you imagine if you are falling from a helicopter at 2000 feet and about a quarter of the way down you are trying to plot out what your first fighting stance is going to be, and then about half way down you think of all of the hot girls you are going to impress but in the back of your mind you wonder why you haven’t Hulked-up yet, and then about three quarters of the way down as the ground is getting closer and closer you are trying to clinch your muscles and growl to yourself in hopes you actually turn into the Hulk, and then you are at 250 feet and 100 feet and then you are trying to remember if you were ever actually the Hulk or if this was a dare gone terribly wrong.
So once the Hulk blasts out of the pavement he starts his fight with The Abomination with the worst move in the history of fighting…the jump punch. First of all, this is truly a “leap of faith.” If you are in a fight with another person and you are running at each other in order for this stupid move to even work you have to have the other guy jump-punch at you also. Even if while you are running at each other you scream “let’s jump punch” the logistics are still overwhelming. What if you short-side it? What if the other guy fakes the jump punch and you just fly on by? What if you pull a hammy during the run (always remember to stretch properly before trying choreographed fight moves)? What if the other guy just stops running and you have to run twice as far and by the time you get to him you are too tired to jump and punch? My point is, why start out with the jump punch? Oh, and even if you pull it off perfectly does this really hurt? If my mentor, Mr. Miyagi has taught me anything it is that you have to have a well balanced fighting stance to have any power behind your punches (Strike First, Strike Fast, Strike Often, Sir). Maybe Hulk and The Abomination need to wax a few more cars and sand a few more floors before they are ready.
So, to sum this one up, I just want to stress the importance of not utilizing the jump punch as your first move in a street fight. Oh, and if a terrible lab accident turns you into a cartoon super hero stay away from the guys with the novelty erasers.
Warren
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Kid is Heartbroken because he lost 2 hours of his life watching this movie!
As you may have guessed, neither Matthew nor I are professional bloggers. I sure hope I didn’t ruin any Christmas dreams or fairy-tale wishes but we both have real jobs which do not include writing rambling critical reviews of old, lightly regarded movies for an audience of literally 2. The reason I am not a professional blogger (besides the money and the time constraints of being an international celebrity and role model to countless children) is because there are times I just don’t have much to say. That is especially true of a movie I recently watched called The Heartbreak Kid. I had almost forgotten about this movie after a short run in the theaters and while it had a couple of funny moments it was painfully too long and followed a cookie-cutter, straight out of the box, lazy Hollywood script formula.
The Heartbreak Kid is like the chemistry set we all received for Christmas when we were children. You know exactly what you are getting by looking at the photo on the box and yet you still open the box and excitedly run the experiments only to be disappointed in an outcome you had already assumed.
This film stars the wildly overexposed Ben Stiller as marriage-phobic Eddie. Eddie is getting older and under pressure to get married but as the movie starts he apparently hasn’t found the “right” girl. After a chance encounter on the streets of San Francisco (Matthew’s fair city) with Lila, played by Malin Akerman, a whirl-wind relationship starts and they get married. Lila is a young, decent looking gal who tricked her boyfriend into marriage (mostly normal), sings in the car (normal), likes her “business” a little wild (mostly normal), has some financial debt (very normal), doesn’t listen to her husband who suggests SPF 50 in the sun (normal) and sunburns easily (expected). So, while I have what I would consider to be two normals, two mostly normals, one very normal and one expected, this film wants the character of Lila to be a crazy train-wreck of a new bride to Eddie. For me personally, I just wasn’t buying it.
While the suddenly marriage-miserable Eddie and Lila are on their honeymoon in Cabo, Eddie falls for Miranda who is a Lacrosse coach from Mississippi on vacation with her family. Miranda, played by Michelle Monaghan (still working despite M.I.3), is also a decent looking chick who seems to enjoy such male endeavors as tequila shooters, cannabis and coaching sports. At about this point in the film (I am guessing about 25-35 minutes in) the funny jokes and pratfalls dry up and except for the final scene of the movie everything went according to the only script that romantic comedy writers can seem to follow. You know the words, sing along if you want:
“Here’s the story, of a relationship-phobic fellow, who was searching for a sweetheart of his own. All of his man friends were already married to needy women, but he needed one of his own.
It’s the story, of a decent looking obscure woman’s college sports team coach, who was vacationing in Mexico with her family. All of them had hair of various colors – like Miranda, the oldest one was bald.
Till the one day when the relationship-phobic fellow met the obscure woman’s college sports team coach, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch. That the relationship-phobic fellow was really on his honeymoon with another decent looking gal who had some underdeveloped vices that never really overwhelmed the audience, and through a series of poorly scripted and even more poorly acted misunderstandings and two painful divorces, that’s the way that we all became disappointed that I hadn’t stopped watching The Heartbreak Kid after the first 35 minutes.
Should have quit after the first 35 minutes, should have quit after the first 35 minutes.
That’s the way that we all wasted 2 hours watching this movie.”
Word to your mother!
Warren
The Heartbreak Kid is like the chemistry set we all received for Christmas when we were children. You know exactly what you are getting by looking at the photo on the box and yet you still open the box and excitedly run the experiments only to be disappointed in an outcome you had already assumed.
This film stars the wildly overexposed Ben Stiller as marriage-phobic Eddie. Eddie is getting older and under pressure to get married but as the movie starts he apparently hasn’t found the “right” girl. After a chance encounter on the streets of San Francisco (Matthew’s fair city) with Lila, played by Malin Akerman, a whirl-wind relationship starts and they get married. Lila is a young, decent looking gal who tricked her boyfriend into marriage (mostly normal), sings in the car (normal), likes her “business” a little wild (mostly normal), has some financial debt (very normal), doesn’t listen to her husband who suggests SPF 50 in the sun (normal) and sunburns easily (expected). So, while I have what I would consider to be two normals, two mostly normals, one very normal and one expected, this film wants the character of Lila to be a crazy train-wreck of a new bride to Eddie. For me personally, I just wasn’t buying it.
While the suddenly marriage-miserable Eddie and Lila are on their honeymoon in Cabo, Eddie falls for Miranda who is a Lacrosse coach from Mississippi on vacation with her family. Miranda, played by Michelle Monaghan (still working despite M.I.3), is also a decent looking chick who seems to enjoy such male endeavors as tequila shooters, cannabis and coaching sports. At about this point in the film (I am guessing about 25-35 minutes in) the funny jokes and pratfalls dry up and except for the final scene of the movie everything went according to the only script that romantic comedy writers can seem to follow. You know the words, sing along if you want:
“Here’s the story, of a relationship-phobic fellow, who was searching for a sweetheart of his own. All of his man friends were already married to needy women, but he needed one of his own.
It’s the story, of a decent looking obscure woman’s college sports team coach, who was vacationing in Mexico with her family. All of them had hair of various colors – like Miranda, the oldest one was bald.
Till the one day when the relationship-phobic fellow met the obscure woman’s college sports team coach, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch. That the relationship-phobic fellow was really on his honeymoon with another decent looking gal who had some underdeveloped vices that never really overwhelmed the audience, and through a series of poorly scripted and even more poorly acted misunderstandings and two painful divorces, that’s the way that we all became disappointed that I hadn’t stopped watching The Heartbreak Kid after the first 35 minutes.
Should have quit after the first 35 minutes, should have quit after the first 35 minutes.
That’s the way that we all wasted 2 hours watching this movie.”
Word to your mother!
Warren
And Pop Culture
I haven't blogged in a while and Warren has been on me about that. I told him that I haven't seen any good movies lately. I have searched the HBO lineup and nothing seems to jump out at me. I did see "Elizabeth, The Golden Age." But I had seen that in the theaters during my "out-of-work, see a movie for free" days. That whole period is another story. Anyway, Warren and I discussed "Elizabeth, The Golden Age," and we both decided that it was a good movie, but the first one was better. I will also add that if you are going to do a sequel, you should probably do it a little sooner than 12 years later. This comment goes double for the latest Indiana Jones movie, which I haven't seen because everyone who has seen it has told me that it sucks. That is too bad. I liked the Indiana Jones movies. All right the second one was stupid, but they "finished up" the series nicely with the third one. Sean Connery was funny. He and Harrison Ford had chemistry on screen. It had suspense and thrills and a hot chick seducing both of them. And then it had a nice resolution. So even after thinking all these things about the "final installment" I thought maybe I should see the final final installment. Well, the theater reviewers panned it, but they are just reviewers. Then some friends of mine saw it in the theaters and they didn't like it. So I waited for it to come out on DVD. Well, my brothers saw it on DVD, (they are as cheap of bastards as I am) and they say that it sucked. So that concludes it for me - I'm not ever going to see it. Unless it comes on HBO.
Speaking of sequels. Before I left Phoenix, Warren dragged me to see the latest Rambo film. Oh My God. Sucked. Well, no. It was Rambo. What can you expect? But really, Stallone, (like Harrison) has got to hang up his adventure star delusions. He doesn't have any other talent other than being a big moose, so I see why he insists on doing adventure movies. He can not act. So in order to earn income for his lifestyle he has to continue to flex the muscle and emit guttural screams while firing a gun or throwing a punch. (Note: I have not, will not, can not see, Rocky 17 or whatever the hell he put out last - not even on HBO) Hopefully he has gotten enough paychecks so that he will just go away. Like Brian Bosworth. Another big moose who couldn't act. But Brian had the decency to hang it up after three or four B movies. He flexed and faded. That's what these guys need to do.
But that isn't what I wanted to talk about today.
I haven't seen any movies, so I will write about my job. It relates to the pop culture aspect of this blog. I sell Men's Clothing. Believe me I would rather be doing something else. But since that is how I am currently earning a buck, I might as well take an interest in it and attempt to do well. So I have been paying attention to fashion. I work at Banana Republic. They are celebrating their thirtieth year in business. When they first started out they were the old upscale safari shop. They sold safari jackets, Gurkha shorts, pith helmets, western dusters, and big photo bags with a tremendous amount of pockets. All for the "Urban Adventurer!" And if you purchased any of this stuff and wore it around the city you looked like a complete tool. I know. I think I wore a safari jacket for a season back in the eighties. It was a style.
But now Banana Republic sells "Urban Chic." They call it "City Style." For the fashion forward man. I don't know from fashion forward, but they are well made clothes that look good coordinated together and I get a decent employee discount, so I am currently updating my wardrobe. Coincidentally, my oldest brother (who lives in the City also) decided that his look needed a bit of updating. So he went out and bought the latest fashion advice book put out by the people at "Details" magazine. As I got into the whole fashionable man scene, I have found that "Details" is the most approachable magazine for guys trying to update their look. GQ, Fashionable Male, and especially American Male are way too homo-erotic. I just want to see some guys who look somewhat like me (admittedly they look better - they are models) wearing clothes that I could afford (if I get an employee discount). The over-waxed, pouty, weirdly made-up, models wearing mismatched, angular clothing in discordant colors doesn't make me picture myself wearing what they are wearing. I, like most guys, tend towards solids. I wear white, blue, an occasional grey. Now I know that I need to mix it up a bit. Get a little out of my comfort zone. Throw in a stripe or on an especially crazy day a polka dot or a plaid. But I can't wear them every day or, god forbid, all together in one outfit. I need to stick to solids with a little splash of adventurous color or pattern. So "Details" it is for referencing what might work for me.
Don, my oldest brother, bought the latest "Details" fashion book. I choose to go over to Borders Book Store most days before work and read another section. Why pay thirty bucks for a book that is just going to be out of style in a year or two? And Banana Republic has fashion books for the employees to read so that they don't start dressing the customers like buffoons. The customers are already buffoons, some of them. I do get to advise some of these guys to try on outfits and then I can decide that the particular look wouldn't look right on me, because it doesn't look right on this guy.
So the latest fashion forward look is to throw a pattern into the pants that you wear. Not just the pinstripes on a formal "go-to-an-interview" suit, but even in casual pants. Banana Republic has what they call "Novelty Chinos." Comfortable pants made of cotton, sort of like what is commonly called khakis. Although I have been corrected that khaki is a color and chino is really the name of the pant. Anyway, beyond just the basic khaki color, blue, black and grey, Banana Republic, sells; blue with a muted red and light blue stripe, blue with a muted white stripe, brown with an intertwined brown and white stripe, grey with windowpane pattern, tan with windowpane pattern, chinos and several others. So now I am trying to figure out what any of these pants coordinate with. We have tons of striped shirts and patterned ties. I haven't been able to match up anything that looks right. Banana Republic suggests striped shirts with striped pants. I don't think I could carry that off. "Details" magazine and book are silent on the whole patterned pants look, although it is supposed to be the next big thing. Obviously matching a solid shirt to a patterned slack would be easiest.
I may just stick with a white shirt and blue pants.
Matthew
Speaking of sequels. Before I left Phoenix, Warren dragged me to see the latest Rambo film. Oh My God. Sucked. Well, no. It was Rambo. What can you expect? But really, Stallone, (like Harrison) has got to hang up his adventure star delusions. He doesn't have any other talent other than being a big moose, so I see why he insists on doing adventure movies. He can not act. So in order to earn income for his lifestyle he has to continue to flex the muscle and emit guttural screams while firing a gun or throwing a punch. (Note: I have not, will not, can not see, Rocky 17 or whatever the hell he put out last - not even on HBO) Hopefully he has gotten enough paychecks so that he will just go away. Like Brian Bosworth. Another big moose who couldn't act. But Brian had the decency to hang it up after three or four B movies. He flexed and faded. That's what these guys need to do.
But that isn't what I wanted to talk about today.
I haven't seen any movies, so I will write about my job. It relates to the pop culture aspect of this blog. I sell Men's Clothing. Believe me I would rather be doing something else. But since that is how I am currently earning a buck, I might as well take an interest in it and attempt to do well. So I have been paying attention to fashion. I work at Banana Republic. They are celebrating their thirtieth year in business. When they first started out they were the old upscale safari shop. They sold safari jackets, Gurkha shorts, pith helmets, western dusters, and big photo bags with a tremendous amount of pockets. All for the "Urban Adventurer!" And if you purchased any of this stuff and wore it around the city you looked like a complete tool. I know. I think I wore a safari jacket for a season back in the eighties. It was a style.
But now Banana Republic sells "Urban Chic." They call it "City Style." For the fashion forward man. I don't know from fashion forward, but they are well made clothes that look good coordinated together and I get a decent employee discount, so I am currently updating my wardrobe. Coincidentally, my oldest brother (who lives in the City also) decided that his look needed a bit of updating. So he went out and bought the latest fashion advice book put out by the people at "Details" magazine. As I got into the whole fashionable man scene, I have found that "Details" is the most approachable magazine for guys trying to update their look. GQ, Fashionable Male, and especially American Male are way too homo-erotic. I just want to see some guys who look somewhat like me (admittedly they look better - they are models) wearing clothes that I could afford (if I get an employee discount). The over-waxed, pouty, weirdly made-up, models wearing mismatched, angular clothing in discordant colors doesn't make me picture myself wearing what they are wearing. I, like most guys, tend towards solids. I wear white, blue, an occasional grey. Now I know that I need to mix it up a bit. Get a little out of my comfort zone. Throw in a stripe or on an especially crazy day a polka dot or a plaid. But I can't wear them every day or, god forbid, all together in one outfit. I need to stick to solids with a little splash of adventurous color or pattern. So "Details" it is for referencing what might work for me.
Don, my oldest brother, bought the latest "Details" fashion book. I choose to go over to Borders Book Store most days before work and read another section. Why pay thirty bucks for a book that is just going to be out of style in a year or two? And Banana Republic has fashion books for the employees to read so that they don't start dressing the customers like buffoons. The customers are already buffoons, some of them. I do get to advise some of these guys to try on outfits and then I can decide that the particular look wouldn't look right on me, because it doesn't look right on this guy.
So the latest fashion forward look is to throw a pattern into the pants that you wear. Not just the pinstripes on a formal "go-to-an-interview" suit, but even in casual pants. Banana Republic has what they call "Novelty Chinos." Comfortable pants made of cotton, sort of like what is commonly called khakis. Although I have been corrected that khaki is a color and chino is really the name of the pant. Anyway, beyond just the basic khaki color, blue, black and grey, Banana Republic, sells; blue with a muted red and light blue stripe, blue with a muted white stripe, brown with an intertwined brown and white stripe, grey with windowpane pattern, tan with windowpane pattern, chinos and several others. So now I am trying to figure out what any of these pants coordinate with. We have tons of striped shirts and patterned ties. I haven't been able to match up anything that looks right. Banana Republic suggests striped shirts with striped pants. I don't think I could carry that off. "Details" magazine and book are silent on the whole patterned pants look, although it is supposed to be the next big thing. Obviously matching a solid shirt to a patterned slack would be easiest.
I may just stick with a white shirt and blue pants.
Matthew
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Eastern Promises, Southern Exposure
I vaguely recall when Eastern Promises came out in theaters. I say vaguely because I have no recollection about what this movie was supposed to be about other than I remember seeing Viggo Mortensen with that blonde flat top and thinking that he did not look Russian at all.
Viggo is probably best known for his role as Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings series (which by the way fizzled out after a great first installment). I remember him for his role as Tex in Leatherface, but my first memories of Viggo are from his participation in the George Washington Mini-Series of which I used to have a poster of Barry Bostwick hanging on my wall as a child.
While Viggo had only a small part in the GW Mini-Series, he can say he was part of one of the best ensemble casts in the history of broadcast television. This series also included Lloyd Bridges, Patty Duke, Hal Holbrook, Robert Stack, Kelsey Grammer and Jaclyn Smith. Of course, seeing Jaclyn Smith as Sally Fairfax really makes one feel sorry for GW and his decision to stick with Martha. Can you imagine if Jaclyn Smith had been the first-First Lady…talk about FLILF!
Getting back to Eastern Promises, I have to say that I did enjoy this movie. I thought the plot was fairly interesting and for the most part the actors did a plausible job of acting like Russian Mafioso living in London. I also thought that the style of the movie kind of matched up with both the plot and the characters. I am not sure exactly how to explain that last sentence so just think of the opening credits of Borat and then insert a serious plot but the same gray suits.
While I could see the old “switch-a-roo” coming when Semyon said he would give Kirill to the Chechens, I did not see Nikolai being a cop. I actually like the story even more when I consider the alternative that I had suspected, that Nikolai was just a bad guy with a good heart who was going to redeem himself in the end by protecting Anna and the baby.
Speaking of Anna, I think there is an important lesson in this movie that needs to be typed onto this web site. If you, the reader, ever find (or steal) some interesting evidence or even just something of possible value, don’t go running your mouth to Russian restaurant owners about it! In this case Anna (played by Naomi Watts in much the same way that Sandler played the Zohan) runs into a drugged up pregnant teenager who dies while giving birth and steals her diary that includes the business card of a Russian restaurant. So, before she could read the diary and determine what she had stolen, she went to the restaurant and tells the owner, Semyon, she has the book. This sets into motion multiple murder plots, baby stealing and Borsht. Of course, to take the counter-point on this one I have to wonder what self-respecting Russian mob-boss gives his sex slaves business cards? Was there a welcome reception where Semyon said “welcome to London, you are my slaves now and you will have sex with anyone I tell you to, oh, and here are some business cards…tell your friends!”
The other part of the film that I was thinking about mentioning was the brutal violence. This was a really gory film with some Sweeney Todd type deaths. But, there is something that was of even more concern to me in this film…the nudity.
Normally, I (like Matthew) appreciate nudity and give it my full support. Unfortunately, there have been a rash of recent movies where film makers have decided to show man nudity (including Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Let me make this very, very clear. I do not support man nudity.
The climatic fight scene in this movie was staged in a steam room. The scene involved the previously mentioned Chechens coming to kill who they thought was Kirill but who was actually Nikolai (Viggo). As with any good mob movie, the Chechen killers were appropriately dressed in black pants, black shirts and leather jackets. Unfortunately, Viggo was dressed in a small towel that appeared to be the same ones I regularly have to use at the Hampton Inn. So, I was forced to censor myself during much (not enough) of the big fight scene as Viggo immediately threw off the towel and had his parts flopping about. I don’t know the specifics of the fight but in the end Viggo did throw in a sweet knife to the eye ala Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2 (Lieutenant McClain used an ice sickle as you might recall).
I am sure that the ladies loved this part of the movie. I know that my wife, although previously horrified by the gory violence, suddenly became engaged with the character of Nikolai by yelling “get him” and “look out, be careful!” At some point I also think that she did say “oh, that is not a good shot” which I took to mean that my self-censoring was a good move.
If I ever get into a position where I am an undercover cop posing as a Russian mob figure and get invited to a steam with a fellow mob figure, I think I will carry my duffel bag with me into the steam room just in case a fight breaks out. I personally don’t see any reason that both sides (killer and victim) can’t agree that a nude roll around the steam room while we settle our differences is just not good for business. I will offer to get dressed (as my duffel bag is handy) and then we will get some Gatorade (you can very easily get dehydrated in a steam room) and have the fight in the hallway or perhaps and un-used conference room.
So, to wrap this one up, while I enjoyed Eastern Promises I do think that it had a few too many shots of Southern Discomfort.
Warren
Viggo is probably best known for his role as Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings series (which by the way fizzled out after a great first installment). I remember him for his role as Tex in Leatherface, but my first memories of Viggo are from his participation in the George Washington Mini-Series of which I used to have a poster of Barry Bostwick hanging on my wall as a child.
While Viggo had only a small part in the GW Mini-Series, he can say he was part of one of the best ensemble casts in the history of broadcast television. This series also included Lloyd Bridges, Patty Duke, Hal Holbrook, Robert Stack, Kelsey Grammer and Jaclyn Smith. Of course, seeing Jaclyn Smith as Sally Fairfax really makes one feel sorry for GW and his decision to stick with Martha. Can you imagine if Jaclyn Smith had been the first-First Lady…talk about FLILF!
Getting back to Eastern Promises, I have to say that I did enjoy this movie. I thought the plot was fairly interesting and for the most part the actors did a plausible job of acting like Russian Mafioso living in London. I also thought that the style of the movie kind of matched up with both the plot and the characters. I am not sure exactly how to explain that last sentence so just think of the opening credits of Borat and then insert a serious plot but the same gray suits.
While I could see the old “switch-a-roo” coming when Semyon said he would give Kirill to the Chechens, I did not see Nikolai being a cop. I actually like the story even more when I consider the alternative that I had suspected, that Nikolai was just a bad guy with a good heart who was going to redeem himself in the end by protecting Anna and the baby.
Speaking of Anna, I think there is an important lesson in this movie that needs to be typed onto this web site. If you, the reader, ever find (or steal) some interesting evidence or even just something of possible value, don’t go running your mouth to Russian restaurant owners about it! In this case Anna (played by Naomi Watts in much the same way that Sandler played the Zohan) runs into a drugged up pregnant teenager who dies while giving birth and steals her diary that includes the business card of a Russian restaurant. So, before she could read the diary and determine what she had stolen, she went to the restaurant and tells the owner, Semyon, she has the book. This sets into motion multiple murder plots, baby stealing and Borsht. Of course, to take the counter-point on this one I have to wonder what self-respecting Russian mob-boss gives his sex slaves business cards? Was there a welcome reception where Semyon said “welcome to London, you are my slaves now and you will have sex with anyone I tell you to, oh, and here are some business cards…tell your friends!”
The other part of the film that I was thinking about mentioning was the brutal violence. This was a really gory film with some Sweeney Todd type deaths. But, there is something that was of even more concern to me in this film…the nudity.
Normally, I (like Matthew) appreciate nudity and give it my full support. Unfortunately, there have been a rash of recent movies where film makers have decided to show man nudity (including Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Let me make this very, very clear. I do not support man nudity.
The climatic fight scene in this movie was staged in a steam room. The scene involved the previously mentioned Chechens coming to kill who they thought was Kirill but who was actually Nikolai (Viggo). As with any good mob movie, the Chechen killers were appropriately dressed in black pants, black shirts and leather jackets. Unfortunately, Viggo was dressed in a small towel that appeared to be the same ones I regularly have to use at the Hampton Inn. So, I was forced to censor myself during much (not enough) of the big fight scene as Viggo immediately threw off the towel and had his parts flopping about. I don’t know the specifics of the fight but in the end Viggo did throw in a sweet knife to the eye ala Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2 (Lieutenant McClain used an ice sickle as you might recall).
I am sure that the ladies loved this part of the movie. I know that my wife, although previously horrified by the gory violence, suddenly became engaged with the character of Nikolai by yelling “get him” and “look out, be careful!” At some point I also think that she did say “oh, that is not a good shot” which I took to mean that my self-censoring was a good move.
If I ever get into a position where I am an undercover cop posing as a Russian mob figure and get invited to a steam with a fellow mob figure, I think I will carry my duffel bag with me into the steam room just in case a fight breaks out. I personally don’t see any reason that both sides (killer and victim) can’t agree that a nude roll around the steam room while we settle our differences is just not good for business. I will offer to get dressed (as my duffel bag is handy) and then we will get some Gatorade (you can very easily get dehydrated in a steam room) and have the fight in the hallway or perhaps and un-used conference room.
So, to wrap this one up, while I enjoyed Eastern Promises I do think that it had a few too many shots of Southern Discomfort.
Warren
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Kong, Donkey Kong
As many of our most frequent readers know, I often wax poetically about the HBO and all of the joy it has brought into my life. I not only believe in the brand, I also think it is a tremendous value. I think my current cable carrier charges me around $12 per month for 6 different channels of HBO (i.e. HBO, HBO East, HBO Latin, HBO Space, etc.). That being said, I think the worst value in movies is the Blockbuster chain. Since Blockbuster has long since pushed almost all of the locally owned or mom/pop stores out of business it has a dominant presence in the movie rental business. Unfortunately, it has flexed its muscles to raise its rental fees to an astronomical $5 per movie. While this may not seem like a lot of money at first glance, when I rented three movies at one time and my total bill came out to $16.50. Now we are starting to talk about real money!
I was recently at my local grocer and I noticed that they had a vending machine for movies. I had never personally seen one of these contraptions and when I went to check it out it seemed easy enough to use and I gave it a try. I pushed a few buttons, searched through their less than voluminous collection of movies and picked out what I thought might be a winner in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. All I had to do was swipe my credit card and agree to pay this machine $1 per day for the movie. I thought this seemed fair so I swiped and took my copy of the movie. I can’t speak for the machine but it would be my impression that we both felt pretty good about the terms of the transaction. Of course, if I find out this machine has used my credit card number to purchase batteries, play the claw game, get its oil changed or any other activity that these machines do these days…I will be disappointed!
The King of Kong is a documentary about one man’s journey to lose his job, neglect his family, ruin his eyesight, obtain carpel tunnel syndrome, travel to exotic locations with arcades and Motel 6’s, meet video game nerds, and break the world record score on Donkey Kong. I think this is a pretty standard journey. I know both Matthew and I followed this formula when we graduated from College (it truly is a coming of age journey). As you can imagine though, this journey is filled with hazards, pitfalls, centipede, Q*bert, and pong. No one said it would be easy.
The two main combatants in this picture are the Donkey Kong record score holder - Billy Mitchell, and the man who would like to be the record holder - Steve Wiebe. Billy Mitchell has been good at Donkey Kong for quite a while and set the record high score for the game at some point in the early to mid 1980’s. In present times though, Billy has founded what he terms a successful chicken wing sauce and a runs his own restaurant. Even more important than that though, Billy Mitchell is very protective of his record score and he has a full, luxurious head of mullet hair (or as I like to call it the Missouri Compromise). If Billy Mitchell grew out a beard he would be the guy on the box of Just for Men. Yeah, his mane is truly that nice!
As this movie is a documentary there are a couple of “characters” that we get to know and frankly, thank the good Lord that we are not them. One of the more shady characters in this picture is Roy Shildt. This guy is the world record holder in some other mid-80’s arcade classic (Paperboy?) and he is also the star of a series of ‘B’ movies using the name Mr. Awesome. There is one particular clip that is shown several times where Mr. Awesome is portraying General Patton while talking about chasing the ladies for some Cinemax style Friday After Dark enjoyment. Of course, as all YouTube porn wannabes often complain, Shildt is disappointed his movies have not yet gotten him on the Tonight Show.
The other character of mention from King of Kong is the bearded wonder Walter Day. Walter has a job that no one would ever think necessary….he is the video game referee. That is right folks, this guy watches nerds at the arcade play their console to ensure that game play is held to the highest standards. He also wears a long sleeve referee shirt while watching.
One thing that did surprise me about this picture is that they actually show very little of the play of Donkey Kong. I can remember as a child playing this game but I am not sure that I ever passed the first level. There were barrels rolling everywhere, fire’s burning out of control, a hammer that seemed to swing itself, and a medium sized ape holding onto a mid-30’s blonde. There was just too much going on!
I don’t know why Mario (or what ever the character is that chases Kong) didn’t just leave this really tall building, go back to his house and get some bananas or some bamboo (what ever ape’s ate in the early 80’s) and make a simple trade with the animal. I mean, it’s a big dumb smelly ape for goodness sake; surely Mario could work something out with it? And was this blonde really worth saving? I don’t know her story for sure but how did she get into this predicament? How exactly do you get caught by an ape? Shouldn’t you have seen this coming? The whole set up for this game takes place in a really tall warehouse so it is unlikely that this blonde was doing missionary work in the jungle when she ran into a pride of apes.
And another thing, what kind of warehouse is this exactly? There are barrels piled up every 6 floors or so, there are ladders everywhere, there is a part with single platform elevators and there are automatic pogo-sticks jumping around. How has OSHA let this go on? I am assuming that this game is set on a Saturday or Sunday because no one else appears to be working at this factory but when the regular workers come back to work on Monday not only are they returning to dangerous working conditions, they are also returning to a mess of broken barrels and flame bursts (and let’s not forget that all of the hammers that they placed into the ceiling are now missing). If my memory is correct, this factory has 25 screens, multiply that by the about 6 floors per screen and we are talking about a 150 story building (a 150 story building without an express elevator). Can you imagine if you worked every day on the 140th floor?
I may have gotten a little off message there for a minute, so here is a quick review of the last 75 minutes of the King of Kong. Steve Wiebe practices at Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe breaks world record on Donkey Kong as previously set by Billy Mitchell, Walter Day rules that Steve Wiebe’s record is fraudulent, Steve Wiebe again breaks world record on Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe cry’s tears of joy, Billy Mitchell mails Walter Day a tape of himself breaking world record on Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe cry’s tears of disappointment, Billy Mitchell brushes hair in slow motion, end credits.
So to wrap this one up, it turns out that Mario (or who ever it is that is chasing the blonde) never saves the blonde from the ape. At the end of Donkey Kong Mario just dies (probably from exhaustion – his blood is on you OSHA).
Warren
I was recently at my local grocer and I noticed that they had a vending machine for movies. I had never personally seen one of these contraptions and when I went to check it out it seemed easy enough to use and I gave it a try. I pushed a few buttons, searched through their less than voluminous collection of movies and picked out what I thought might be a winner in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. All I had to do was swipe my credit card and agree to pay this machine $1 per day for the movie. I thought this seemed fair so I swiped and took my copy of the movie. I can’t speak for the machine but it would be my impression that we both felt pretty good about the terms of the transaction. Of course, if I find out this machine has used my credit card number to purchase batteries, play the claw game, get its oil changed or any other activity that these machines do these days…I will be disappointed!
The King of Kong is a documentary about one man’s journey to lose his job, neglect his family, ruin his eyesight, obtain carpel tunnel syndrome, travel to exotic locations with arcades and Motel 6’s, meet video game nerds, and break the world record score on Donkey Kong. I think this is a pretty standard journey. I know both Matthew and I followed this formula when we graduated from College (it truly is a coming of age journey). As you can imagine though, this journey is filled with hazards, pitfalls, centipede, Q*bert, and pong. No one said it would be easy.
The two main combatants in this picture are the Donkey Kong record score holder - Billy Mitchell, and the man who would like to be the record holder - Steve Wiebe. Billy Mitchell has been good at Donkey Kong for quite a while and set the record high score for the game at some point in the early to mid 1980’s. In present times though, Billy has founded what he terms a successful chicken wing sauce and a runs his own restaurant. Even more important than that though, Billy Mitchell is very protective of his record score and he has a full, luxurious head of mullet hair (or as I like to call it the Missouri Compromise). If Billy Mitchell grew out a beard he would be the guy on the box of Just for Men. Yeah, his mane is truly that nice!
As this movie is a documentary there are a couple of “characters” that we get to know and frankly, thank the good Lord that we are not them. One of the more shady characters in this picture is Roy Shildt. This guy is the world record holder in some other mid-80’s arcade classic (Paperboy?) and he is also the star of a series of ‘B’ movies using the name Mr. Awesome. There is one particular clip that is shown several times where Mr. Awesome is portraying General Patton while talking about chasing the ladies for some Cinemax style Friday After Dark enjoyment. Of course, as all YouTube porn wannabes often complain, Shildt is disappointed his movies have not yet gotten him on the Tonight Show.
The other character of mention from King of Kong is the bearded wonder Walter Day. Walter has a job that no one would ever think necessary….he is the video game referee. That is right folks, this guy watches nerds at the arcade play their console to ensure that game play is held to the highest standards. He also wears a long sleeve referee shirt while watching.
One thing that did surprise me about this picture is that they actually show very little of the play of Donkey Kong. I can remember as a child playing this game but I am not sure that I ever passed the first level. There were barrels rolling everywhere, fire’s burning out of control, a hammer that seemed to swing itself, and a medium sized ape holding onto a mid-30’s blonde. There was just too much going on!
I don’t know why Mario (or what ever the character is that chases Kong) didn’t just leave this really tall building, go back to his house and get some bananas or some bamboo (what ever ape’s ate in the early 80’s) and make a simple trade with the animal. I mean, it’s a big dumb smelly ape for goodness sake; surely Mario could work something out with it? And was this blonde really worth saving? I don’t know her story for sure but how did she get into this predicament? How exactly do you get caught by an ape? Shouldn’t you have seen this coming? The whole set up for this game takes place in a really tall warehouse so it is unlikely that this blonde was doing missionary work in the jungle when she ran into a pride of apes.
And another thing, what kind of warehouse is this exactly? There are barrels piled up every 6 floors or so, there are ladders everywhere, there is a part with single platform elevators and there are automatic pogo-sticks jumping around. How has OSHA let this go on? I am assuming that this game is set on a Saturday or Sunday because no one else appears to be working at this factory but when the regular workers come back to work on Monday not only are they returning to dangerous working conditions, they are also returning to a mess of broken barrels and flame bursts (and let’s not forget that all of the hammers that they placed into the ceiling are now missing). If my memory is correct, this factory has 25 screens, multiply that by the about 6 floors per screen and we are talking about a 150 story building (a 150 story building without an express elevator). Can you imagine if you worked every day on the 140th floor?
I may have gotten a little off message there for a minute, so here is a quick review of the last 75 minutes of the King of Kong. Steve Wiebe practices at Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe breaks world record on Donkey Kong as previously set by Billy Mitchell, Walter Day rules that Steve Wiebe’s record is fraudulent, Steve Wiebe again breaks world record on Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe cry’s tears of joy, Billy Mitchell mails Walter Day a tape of himself breaking world record on Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe cry’s tears of disappointment, Billy Mitchell brushes hair in slow motion, end credits.
So to wrap this one up, it turns out that Mario (or who ever it is that is chasing the blonde) never saves the blonde from the ape. At the end of Donkey Kong Mario just dies (probably from exhaustion – his blood is on you OSHA).
Warren
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