As you may have guessed, neither Matthew nor I are professional bloggers. I sure hope I didn’t ruin any Christmas dreams or fairy-tale wishes but we both have real jobs which do not include writing rambling critical reviews of old, lightly regarded movies for an audience of literally 2. The reason I am not a professional blogger (besides the money and the time constraints of being an international celebrity and role model to countless children) is because there are times I just don’t have much to say. That is especially true of a movie I recently watched called The Heartbreak Kid. I had almost forgotten about this movie after a short run in the theaters and while it had a couple of funny moments it was painfully too long and followed a cookie-cutter, straight out of the box, lazy Hollywood script formula.
The Heartbreak Kid is like the chemistry set we all received for Christmas when we were children. You know exactly what you are getting by looking at the photo on the box and yet you still open the box and excitedly run the experiments only to be disappointed in an outcome you had already assumed.
This film stars the wildly overexposed Ben Stiller as marriage-phobic Eddie. Eddie is getting older and under pressure to get married but as the movie starts he apparently hasn’t found the “right” girl. After a chance encounter on the streets of San Francisco (Matthew’s fair city) with Lila, played by Malin Akerman, a whirl-wind relationship starts and they get married. Lila is a young, decent looking gal who tricked her boyfriend into marriage (mostly normal), sings in the car (normal), likes her “business” a little wild (mostly normal), has some financial debt (very normal), doesn’t listen to her husband who suggests SPF 50 in the sun (normal) and sunburns easily (expected). So, while I have what I would consider to be two normals, two mostly normals, one very normal and one expected, this film wants the character of Lila to be a crazy train-wreck of a new bride to Eddie. For me personally, I just wasn’t buying it.
While the suddenly marriage-miserable Eddie and Lila are on their honeymoon in Cabo, Eddie falls for Miranda who is a Lacrosse coach from Mississippi on vacation with her family. Miranda, played by Michelle Monaghan (still working despite M.I.3), is also a decent looking chick who seems to enjoy such male endeavors as tequila shooters, cannabis and coaching sports. At about this point in the film (I am guessing about 25-35 minutes in) the funny jokes and pratfalls dry up and except for the final scene of the movie everything went according to the only script that romantic comedy writers can seem to follow. You know the words, sing along if you want:
“Here’s the story, of a relationship-phobic fellow, who was searching for a sweetheart of his own. All of his man friends were already married to needy women, but he needed one of his own.
It’s the story, of a decent looking obscure woman’s college sports team coach, who was vacationing in Mexico with her family. All of them had hair of various colors – like Miranda, the oldest one was bald.
Till the one day when the relationship-phobic fellow met the obscure woman’s college sports team coach, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch. That the relationship-phobic fellow was really on his honeymoon with another decent looking gal who had some underdeveloped vices that never really overwhelmed the audience, and through a series of poorly scripted and even more poorly acted misunderstandings and two painful divorces, that’s the way that we all became disappointed that I hadn’t stopped watching The Heartbreak Kid after the first 35 minutes.
Should have quit after the first 35 minutes, should have quit after the first 35 minutes.
That’s the way that we all wasted 2 hours watching this movie.”
Word to your mother!
Warren
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