HULK-a, HULK-a, Burnin' Love

I was visiting Universal Studios Hollywood and riding on the Studio Tram when I first saw the preview for Ang Lee’s Hulk. The preview showed nothing except a small house that appeared to have something trying to bust out of it. I don’t recall exactly, but I am guessing that the preview lasted 30 seconds at the most and then the tram continued on to the set of Back to the Future. I can remember that preview because I was pretty darn excited to see a Hulk movie. I loved Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno in The Incredible Hulk television series and I had high hopes that the movie would be just as good. Of course, when I (and the rest of the world for that matter) saw the finished Hulk movie I was terribly disappointed and thought the series was ruined forever.

Have no fear, Universal Studios needs more money, so The Incredible Hulk is here! The new movie stars Edward Norton as Bruce Banner and starts out with a very quick synopsis of why and how Dr. Banner became “gamma-rayed” and how he escaped the clutches of the evil U.S. Military. The early part of the film is set in Brazil where Dr. Banner is working at a Mountain Dew factory (I think this factory also makes Sam’s Cola and Dr. Topper) and trying to cure himself of “Hulk Syndrome.” Of course the U.S. Military finds out about Banner’s location after he spills some blood into a Mountain Dew bottle (this is either a Hulk Temple or a Shirley Hulk) and Stan Lee drinks it (ironic, considering he is the guy who wrote the Hulk comic book). General Ross sends a squad to Brazil to pick up Dr. Banner which includes Emil Blonsky (played by Tim Roth of Pulp Fiction fame) and after some running, jumping, falling and punching, Dr. Banner Hulks-up and eventually ends up naked in the rain forest (this is also what happened after I drank my first beer).

Even though I knew better, when I first saw the initial Hulk scene I was really encouraged. When Dr. Banner is destroying the Mountain Dew factory as the Hulk he is shown in silhouettes and in the shadows. I was excited about this because even though I had seen the movie preview and the DVD box I was still nervous about how the Hulk would look. As it turns out, with all of the good CGI has provided to the movie industry in the past couple of decades, it has absolutely ruined the Hulk franchise. I realize that this is a fictional character that came from the pages of a comic book but really, why does he have to look like a cartoon character. If I wanted to watch someone turn into a cartoon character I would have rented Who Framed Roger Rabbit or The Last Action Hero.

I realize that there are some superhero’s that do not have the best of super powers (Robin comes to mind) but is there any real advantage of turning from a regular guy into a 2-D cartoon? General Ross probably should stop reading books on nuclear science and war strategy and pick up a book on 2-D animation. If shooting the cartoon Hulk in the back (where he is presumably just flat) doesn’t work just try rubbing him with a novelty eraser. If my knowledge of fractal geometry holds true the Hulk cannot stand up to those two tests.

As the movie progresses, Emil Blonsky decides that he wants to be the guy who catches the Hulk so General Ross shoots him up with some of the cream and some of the clear which works pretty well (he runs like Marion Jones, hits like Lyle Alzado and has a giant head like Barry Bonds). But this isn’t enough for Blonsky so he gets Dr. Banner’s secret science buddy to shoot him up with some Hulk blood. This turns Blonsky into a Hulk-like cartoon character called The Abomination. The Abomination goes about destroying everything in sight (Gamma-rage?) until the now captured Banner talks General Ross into letting him escape so he can fight with The Abomination. What happened next really did not make a lot of sense for me; Banner jumped out of a helicopter and hit the pavement only to climb out of the pavement as the Hulk. Maybe there is some Great Gatsby-esque symbolism in this maneuver but maybe someone in the helicopter should have raised the simple question “what happens if you don’t turn into the Hulk?” Can you imagine if you are falling from a helicopter at 2000 feet and about a quarter of the way down you are trying to plot out what your first fighting stance is going to be, and then about half way down you think of all of the hot girls you are going to impress but in the back of your mind you wonder why you haven’t Hulked-up yet, and then about three quarters of the way down as the ground is getting closer and closer you are trying to clinch your muscles and growl to yourself in hopes you actually turn into the Hulk, and then you are at 250 feet and 100 feet and then you are trying to remember if you were ever actually the Hulk or if this was a dare gone terribly wrong.

So once the Hulk blasts out of the pavement he starts his fight with The Abomination with the worst move in the history of fighting…the jump punch. First of all, this is truly a “leap of faith.” If you are in a fight with another person and you are running at each other in order for this stupid move to even work you have to have the other guy jump-punch at you also. Even if while you are running at each other you scream “let’s jump punch” the logistics are still overwhelming. What if you short-side it? What if the other guy fakes the jump punch and you just fly on by? What if you pull a hammy during the run (always remember to stretch properly before trying choreographed fight moves)? What if the other guy just stops running and you have to run twice as far and by the time you get to him you are too tired to jump and punch? My point is, why start out with the jump punch? Oh, and even if you pull it off perfectly does this really hurt? If my mentor, Mr. Miyagi has taught me anything it is that you have to have a well balanced fighting stance to have any power behind your punches (Strike First, Strike Fast, Strike Often, Sir). Maybe Hulk and The Abomination need to wax a few more cars and sand a few more floors before they are ready.

So, to sum this one up, I just want to stress the importance of not utilizing the jump punch as your first move in a street fight. Oh, and if a terrible lab accident turns you into a cartoon super hero stay away from the guys with the novelty erasers.

Warren