Eastern Promises, Southern Exposure

I vaguely recall when Eastern Promises came out in theaters. I say vaguely because I have no recollection about what this movie was supposed to be about other than I remember seeing Viggo Mortensen with that blonde flat top and thinking that he did not look Russian at all.

Viggo is probably best known for his role as Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings series (which by the way fizzled out after a great first installment). I remember him for his role as Tex in Leatherface, but my first memories of Viggo are from his participation in the George Washington Mini-Series of which I used to have a poster of Barry Bostwick hanging on my wall as a child.

While Viggo had only a small part in the GW Mini-Series, he can say he was part of one of the best ensemble casts in the history of broadcast television. This series also included Lloyd Bridges, Patty Duke, Hal Holbrook, Robert Stack, Kelsey Grammer and Jaclyn Smith. Of course, seeing Jaclyn Smith as Sally Fairfax really makes one feel sorry for GW and his decision to stick with Martha. Can you imagine if Jaclyn Smith had been the first-First Lady…talk about FLILF!

Getting back to Eastern Promises, I have to say that I did enjoy this movie. I thought the plot was fairly interesting and for the most part the actors did a plausible job of acting like Russian Mafioso living in London. I also thought that the style of the movie kind of matched up with both the plot and the characters. I am not sure exactly how to explain that last sentence so just think of the opening credits of Borat and then insert a serious plot but the same gray suits.

While I could see the old “switch-a-roo” coming when Semyon said he would give Kirill to the Chechens, I did not see Nikolai being a cop. I actually like the story even more when I consider the alternative that I had suspected, that Nikolai was just a bad guy with a good heart who was going to redeem himself in the end by protecting Anna and the baby.

Speaking of Anna, I think there is an important lesson in this movie that needs to be typed onto this web site. If you, the reader, ever find (or steal) some interesting evidence or even just something of possible value, don’t go running your mouth to Russian restaurant owners about it! In this case Anna (played by Naomi Watts in much the same way that Sandler played the Zohan) runs into a drugged up pregnant teenager who dies while giving birth and steals her diary that includes the business card of a Russian restaurant. So, before she could read the diary and determine what she had stolen, she went to the restaurant and tells the owner, Semyon, she has the book. This sets into motion multiple murder plots, baby stealing and Borsht. Of course, to take the counter-point on this one I have to wonder what self-respecting Russian mob-boss gives his sex slaves business cards? Was there a welcome reception where Semyon said “welcome to London, you are my slaves now and you will have sex with anyone I tell you to, oh, and here are some business cards…tell your friends!”

The other part of the film that I was thinking about mentioning was the brutal violence. This was a really gory film with some Sweeney Todd type deaths. But, there is something that was of even more concern to me in this film…the nudity.

Normally, I (like Matthew) appreciate nudity and give it my full support. Unfortunately, there have been a rash of recent movies where film makers have decided to show man nudity (including Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Let me make this very, very clear. I do not support man nudity.

The climatic fight scene in this movie was staged in a steam room. The scene involved the previously mentioned Chechens coming to kill who they thought was Kirill but who was actually Nikolai (Viggo). As with any good mob movie, the Chechen killers were appropriately dressed in black pants, black shirts and leather jackets. Unfortunately, Viggo was dressed in a small towel that appeared to be the same ones I regularly have to use at the Hampton Inn. So, I was forced to censor myself during much (not enough) of the big fight scene as Viggo immediately threw off the towel and had his parts flopping about. I don’t know the specifics of the fight but in the end Viggo did throw in a sweet knife to the eye ala Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2 (Lieutenant McClain used an ice sickle as you might recall).

I am sure that the ladies loved this part of the movie. I know that my wife, although previously horrified by the gory violence, suddenly became engaged with the character of Nikolai by yelling “get him” and “look out, be careful!” At some point I also think that she did say “oh, that is not a good shot” which I took to mean that my self-censoring was a good move.

If I ever get into a position where I am an undercover cop posing as a Russian mob figure and get invited to a steam with a fellow mob figure, I think I will carry my duffel bag with me into the steam room just in case a fight breaks out. I personally don’t see any reason that both sides (killer and victim) can’t agree that a nude roll around the steam room while we settle our differences is just not good for business. I will offer to get dressed (as my duffel bag is handy) and then we will get some Gatorade (you can very easily get dehydrated in a steam room) and have the fight in the hallway or perhaps and un-used conference room.

So, to wrap this one up, while I enjoyed Eastern Promises I do think that it had a few too many shots of Southern Discomfort.

Warren