Did Someone Say "Wonder?"

I am so sorry! I begin this review with that statement because I am on a terrible losing streak. At a really unfortunate time in American history, HBO is showing a terrible collection of movies. People are suffering out there. Folks are out of work, investments are in the crapper, airlines are charging for a glass of water, and I can’t find a good movie on cable. I have finished watching movies shaking my head so many times I think my equilibrium is out of whack. Unfortunately, when you get on a streak like this I am told you just have to ride it out. Hopefully the loyal readers of this blog can ride it out with me.

Drum roll please…I recently watched Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

I know it is my own fault. I take full responsibility for this one. It was Christmas Eve, I had returned to my castle early from work and it seemed like a good idea. When I saw the credits I thought to myself: “Natalie Portman is hot, Dustin Hoffman was in Tootsie and Jason Bateman was Teen Wolf (Two). How bad can it be?” To keep my answer to that question short, this movie was bad enough to be a CBS sitcom.

The basic premise of this film is that a 250 year-old toy shop owner (Hoffman) has decided he is going to die Elvis-style (substitute a chair for the can) within a couple of days and hires an accountant (Bateman) to value his business so he can give it to his apprentice (Portman) so one of his customers who collects hats and has no friends (Zach Mills) can continue to play with the toys.

As the accountant goes through Mr. Magorium’s books he discovers that the store has been open for one hundred years without a business license, there have never been any taxes collected or paid, there is an undocumented biographer with a handlebar mustache living in the basement, and Mr. Magorium has an IOU from Thomas Edison that was never collected. Of course, in the world of “Wonder” none of this matters.

Editorial Note: I have to admit that the best part of this movie was the thirty or so minutes I was asleep. So, some of the aforementioned local and federal regulatory issues could have been addressed during my slumber. Additionally, crucial plot information could have been missed and it is possible the secrets of the magic toys and Molly Mahoney’s (Portman) Dutch-boy haircut could have been explained. However, I think this is highly unlikely.

I am still not clear on why Mr. Magorium decided to value a business he was giving away to his apprentice. And it seems odd that Mr. Magorium decided to give his business away to an apprentice that is only mildly interested in it and has aspirations for bigger and better things (Molly is also a pianist). Molly is a pianist. Mr. Magorium’s apprentice is a pianist. The pianist tickled the ivories. Pianist, pianist, pianist.

By the way, Mr. Magorium has a curious look and sound to him. He looks like Doc Brown and Einstein somehow co-fathered an offspring and his voice sounds like Daniel Stern’s after he took the forth brick to the head in Home Alone 2.

So, Mr. Magorium correctly called his shot and died on cue and once he did all of the toys in the store turned to black and lost their “wonder.” Somehow, Henry Weston (Bateman) turned into a real estate agent and handled the sale of the toy store but left the “wonder”-less toys in the store. Once a buyer was found hat collector Eric Applebaum (played by Zach Mills of Hollywoodland fame) swooped in to try to save the store and this led to the climatic final sequence when Henry realized that the store was full of “wonder,” Eric realized that his first friend was a middle aged accountant and Molly realized that if she performed some of the worst dance moves ever set to music and put on film she could bring the “wonder” back to the toys in the emporium.

So, I guess the moral of this story is only chase your dreams until such time as you are extremely close to achieving them and then make a last second decision to serve as day shift manager at a children’s toy store. "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys "R" Us Kid. There's a million toys at Toys "R" Us that I can play with."

Warren

P.S. I Didn't Cry

Yeah, I watched P.S. I Love You. So what? It was late at night and I wanted to watch a movie. At my house, the only movies that I can watch comfortably (with the Wife) at an advance hour (i.e. after 9:00 pm) are new release chick-flicks. I have tried to watch Predator, The Jerk, Commando, Waterworld or Ed (oops, how did that one get in there) at this late hour, but my beautiful bride is never interested and expects my viewing to be in another room. That being said, I was flipping around the channels recently and not only did I stop on P.S. I Love You (heretofore known as PS) but I read the information screen, stopped flipping and told my Wife it was on. I realize that this may seem questionable but I am a professional blogger now and it’s not like I was wearing sequined pants and a plaid shirt!

When I initially flipped past the movie I just assumed that it was an old Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan film. Turns out, this movie actually stars Gerard Butler (of 300) and Hilary Swank (of The Next Karate Kid) as a mis-matched Irish-American couple. At the beginning of the movie they are shown fighting quite a bit with neither of them seeming thrilled with their position in the NYC rat race. The movie takes a very quick left turn though as Butler’s character of Gerry (I guess another mother in the Village had already named her kids Thom and Fill) either suddenly died of a brain tumor or slowly died of a brain tumor in an unexplained time lapse. Either way, when I found out the character died of a brain tumor I kept thinking, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s famous line “It’s not a tumor” from Kindergarten Cop is in my opinion the most memorable line in a career filled with transcendental quotes.

Note: I suspect you are trying to sound out the word transcendental right now with the plan to look it up once you can successfully say it out loud. I realize that transcendental refers to a non algebraic complex number, however I also think it should refer to a series of great movie quotes. I would formulate it something like: e = Cool/Austrian

If you have read this blog before I have previously harped on the type casting of actors. In this case, I have personally type cast Gerard Butler and it is not as a romantic lead. I don’t know if this makes me a hypocrite or not (I have already taken a lot of grief for watching PS, so being considered a hypocrite doesn’t really hurt) but I just can’t see him being anything other than the Phantom of Leonidas (a handy combination of the Phantom of the Opera and King Leonidas). When Gerry and Holly (Swank) are fighting at the beginning of the movie I was really cheering for Gerry to just yell “This is Sparta” and then kick Holly into a bottomless pit of doom while simultaneously dropping the kitchen chandelier onto some innocent passer-bys. Of course, much to my dismay I mostly just got this long, drawn out scavenger hunt for love with a sprinkle of Jo Jo Dancer.

I am not always the best judge on these things, but I think that this movie was written by a gal who loved Gerard Butler in 300 and Chad Lowe in Life Goes On (Emmy Award winning Chad Lowe). If my premonition is correct, she sat at her typewriter in much the same way that I do and just thought of the coolest way to combine her love for those two actors. Or course, who knows what the heck has happened to Chad Lowe, so the next best thing would be to punish Hilary Swank (Collateral Damage – punish all of us too). So, she slowly typed out her story goals: “Gerard Butler stands around without his shirt” and then “Hilary Swank cries for two hours and fifteen minutes.”

When PS was over it was obvious that the aforementioned writer had delivered (and Hilary Swank had pulled it off) a character with the Ruth-ian task of constant crying for an entire film. I kid you not, Hilary Swank cried from 9:00 pm until 11:15 pm. I really wonder how she motivated herself to cry that much. I mean, when you think about the number of scenes in this movie, added to the number of takes a typical scene has, she must have thought of every single sad and tragic event in the history of earth. I should have looked at the credits closely to see if there was a historian on the payroll.

Meanwhile, Gerard Butler was topless in almost all of his scenes. Interestingly enough he was topless both as a live character and as a ghost. Of course, you may be asking “Warren, does this film hypothesize that humans haunt their former lovers in a form representative of their peak of physical beauty?” The answer to that question is yes, but apparently it can only last for one calendar year. So, we all have that to look forward to!

P.S. I did squeeze out a tear when James Bond was being whipped in the grapes in Casino Royale.

Warren

The War in Afghanistan continues

So I finally watched a movie that I can write about. HBO finally showed "Charlie Wilson's War." I enjoyed this movie when I saw it in the theaters and I committed myself to seeing it either on DVD or cable when it was made available. Well, HBO had been showing teaser previews of it since late September and I looked forward to finally catching it again.

Full disclosure. I like the movie because I like almost anything that Aaron Sorkin is involved in. He came on the scene as the writer of "A Few Good Men," a movie that has become one of the more quotable military movies of late, if only for the dynamite performance of Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise. He went on to write "Sport Night," a tv show which introduced us to witty, intelligent, meaningful, funny dialogue in his what would become characteristic staccato style. Somewhere in there he wrote, "An American President," a movie starring Annette Benning dating the widowed President, Michael Douglas. Then he had a seven year run of "West Wing," on TV. Admittedly, "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," left a little of his usual magic behind. Still I enjoyed that TV show while it was on the air.

I am a sucker for good writing and "Charlie Wilson's War," delivered in spades. The basic plot is that it is the mid-eighties. The Soviet Union has invaded Afghanistan. The U.S is providing minimal backing to the Afghans, the enemies of our enemies. Tom Hanks as the title character, Charlie Wilson, is a lecherous, reprobate of a congressman. I suppose that that is redundant. But Wilson wears his lasciviousness a little more exposed on his sleeve than do most congressman. He has been elected from a district which wants nothing and has elected him five times. He gets to say yes to many other congressman and not piss off his constituents. He has built up many favors owed to him. He has also gotten himself on the crossroads of the Congressional committees of Defense and Budget. And the sub-committee on covert ops. He is able to assist in the approval of covert defense spending.

He feels a pang of guilt that the U.S. is not funding the Afghans better. Prodded by a wealthy matron, portrayed by Julia Roberts, in his district he begins assessing how he can funnel money to a covert war in Afghanistan. In this pursuit he meets Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character, Gust Avrakatos. Gust is a lecherous, reprobate of a CIA operative working Washington, D.C. He is slovenly and doesn't give a crap about the politics of the place. He has pissed off his boss and now is looking for something to do. He seizes on the opportunity to pursue helping the Afghans. These two characters, Wilson and Avrakatos, couldn't be more perfect for one another.

Tom Hanks gives one of the better performances of his career. Now that he has thrown off the mantle of always having to play likable characters, he can stretch a little more in his performances and explore more nuanced characters. But Phillip Seymour Hoffman is brilliant. I have always admired him as an actor. He rarely gives a bad performance. He just is usually in such offbeat films that I don't see much of him. Well he not only pays the bills by being in a large studio film, he delivers a memorable performance.

The pivotal scene in the movie, the one which I will watch repeatedly in the coming years and memorize lines of, is when the two men first meet. Charlie Wilson has called for a CIA Deputy Director or above to his office so that he can discuss his plans to get funding into the hands of the Afghans. Instead he gets Gust Avrakatos, a low level, pudgy, malcontent. Wilson is not happy. Avrakatos assuages his anger by presenting him with a gift of really good scotch. Wilson, a frequent imbiber among his many vices, is placated. Just then a crisis develops in Wilson's office. Rudy Guiliani, yes that Rudy Guiliani, is a Federal Prosecutor looking into Congressional misconduct and Charlie Wilson has been implicated. Gust is asked to leave while Wilson's comely assistants talk to Charlie about how their office should respond to the charges. This happens a couple times. The cute assistants barge in and Gust is asked to leave. Finally Avrakatos is invited back in. As he is sitting down he mentions that Wilson should make sure that the limo driver from one of Charlie's escapades is told to keep quiet or at least Charlie should find out what the limo driver knows. Wilson is livid. Was Avrakatos listening at the door as he discussed his private business with his assistants. No, Gust bugged the scotch bottle. Well all right now lets get back to business. And Wilson offers Avrakatos a drink of the very scotch that had been bugged. I haven't written any of the dialogue here, but suffice to say it is brilliant. As is the pace of the scene and how it is shot.

What I like most about that entire scene is the ethos involved. While Wilson was probably rightfully indignant, possibly incensed, he didn't let the indiscretion of the scotch bottle bugging get in the way of taking care of what he called the meeting for. He and Gust completed their discussion of how to begin funding the Afghans. Charlie Wilson also saw to immediately enjoying the scotch. It is the understanding that we are all flawed, pursuing our own agendas. We occasionally dupe each other, but when we have shared agendas it is best to just let the anger die and get on with accomplishing our objective. And if we do all that with a sense of humor, so much the better. This movie, in the final analysis, didn't hold up either Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character or Tom Hanks' character as heroes. They are both disreputable. And they far from acted with pure intent. But they accomplished a good thing. Eventually the Soviets got sick of being blown up by U.S supplied weapons and they left Afghanistan. They also eventually failed completely and both the Soviet Union and in fact the entire Eastern Bloc bloc was broken. The Berlin Wall tumbled and former totalitarian Communist countries converted to capitalistic democracies. That movement continues today.

The movie ends on a prescient note, foreshadowing the implications we feel in today's world. And here it may be too preachy. It is well and good to say, "I knew that would happen," twenty years after the fact, but contextually that message seems contrived. Anyway the parting shot of the movie is; the U.S. should have continued to fund the Afghans, rebuilding schools and infrastructure instead of solely concentrating on rebuilding Eastern Europe. For without the needed U.S. funding, the Islamic fundamentalist came in, filled the void by building madrases, and started this whole Taliban/Al Quaida thing. And here we sit with 170,000 soldiers in Afghanistan today. I don't know. In a sense, we should have seen some of this coming, but really we wanted to get our hooks into Eastern Europe to make sure those countries fully broke from the Soviet grip. And really there is only so much foreign aid money.

Anyway. Good movie. Incredible performance by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Tom Hanks continues on his journey to be a serious actor.

Matthew

HULK-a, HULK-a, Burnin' Love

I was visiting Universal Studios Hollywood and riding on the Studio Tram when I first saw the preview for Ang Lee’s Hulk. The preview showed nothing except a small house that appeared to have something trying to bust out of it. I don’t recall exactly, but I am guessing that the preview lasted 30 seconds at the most and then the tram continued on to the set of Back to the Future. I can remember that preview because I was pretty darn excited to see a Hulk movie. I loved Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno in The Incredible Hulk television series and I had high hopes that the movie would be just as good. Of course, when I (and the rest of the world for that matter) saw the finished Hulk movie I was terribly disappointed and thought the series was ruined forever.

Have no fear, Universal Studios needs more money, so The Incredible Hulk is here! The new movie stars Edward Norton as Bruce Banner and starts out with a very quick synopsis of why and how Dr. Banner became “gamma-rayed” and how he escaped the clutches of the evil U.S. Military. The early part of the film is set in Brazil where Dr. Banner is working at a Mountain Dew factory (I think this factory also makes Sam’s Cola and Dr. Topper) and trying to cure himself of “Hulk Syndrome.” Of course the U.S. Military finds out about Banner’s location after he spills some blood into a Mountain Dew bottle (this is either a Hulk Temple or a Shirley Hulk) and Stan Lee drinks it (ironic, considering he is the guy who wrote the Hulk comic book). General Ross sends a squad to Brazil to pick up Dr. Banner which includes Emil Blonsky (played by Tim Roth of Pulp Fiction fame) and after some running, jumping, falling and punching, Dr. Banner Hulks-up and eventually ends up naked in the rain forest (this is also what happened after I drank my first beer).

Even though I knew better, when I first saw the initial Hulk scene I was really encouraged. When Dr. Banner is destroying the Mountain Dew factory as the Hulk he is shown in silhouettes and in the shadows. I was excited about this because even though I had seen the movie preview and the DVD box I was still nervous about how the Hulk would look. As it turns out, with all of the good CGI has provided to the movie industry in the past couple of decades, it has absolutely ruined the Hulk franchise. I realize that this is a fictional character that came from the pages of a comic book but really, why does he have to look like a cartoon character. If I wanted to watch someone turn into a cartoon character I would have rented Who Framed Roger Rabbit or The Last Action Hero.

I realize that there are some superhero’s that do not have the best of super powers (Robin comes to mind) but is there any real advantage of turning from a regular guy into a 2-D cartoon? General Ross probably should stop reading books on nuclear science and war strategy and pick up a book on 2-D animation. If shooting the cartoon Hulk in the back (where he is presumably just flat) doesn’t work just try rubbing him with a novelty eraser. If my knowledge of fractal geometry holds true the Hulk cannot stand up to those two tests.

As the movie progresses, Emil Blonsky decides that he wants to be the guy who catches the Hulk so General Ross shoots him up with some of the cream and some of the clear which works pretty well (he runs like Marion Jones, hits like Lyle Alzado and has a giant head like Barry Bonds). But this isn’t enough for Blonsky so he gets Dr. Banner’s secret science buddy to shoot him up with some Hulk blood. This turns Blonsky into a Hulk-like cartoon character called The Abomination. The Abomination goes about destroying everything in sight (Gamma-rage?) until the now captured Banner talks General Ross into letting him escape so he can fight with The Abomination. What happened next really did not make a lot of sense for me; Banner jumped out of a helicopter and hit the pavement only to climb out of the pavement as the Hulk. Maybe there is some Great Gatsby-esque symbolism in this maneuver but maybe someone in the helicopter should have raised the simple question “what happens if you don’t turn into the Hulk?” Can you imagine if you are falling from a helicopter at 2000 feet and about a quarter of the way down you are trying to plot out what your first fighting stance is going to be, and then about half way down you think of all of the hot girls you are going to impress but in the back of your mind you wonder why you haven’t Hulked-up yet, and then about three quarters of the way down as the ground is getting closer and closer you are trying to clinch your muscles and growl to yourself in hopes you actually turn into the Hulk, and then you are at 250 feet and 100 feet and then you are trying to remember if you were ever actually the Hulk or if this was a dare gone terribly wrong.

So once the Hulk blasts out of the pavement he starts his fight with The Abomination with the worst move in the history of fighting…the jump punch. First of all, this is truly a “leap of faith.” If you are in a fight with another person and you are running at each other in order for this stupid move to even work you have to have the other guy jump-punch at you also. Even if while you are running at each other you scream “let’s jump punch” the logistics are still overwhelming. What if you short-side it? What if the other guy fakes the jump punch and you just fly on by? What if you pull a hammy during the run (always remember to stretch properly before trying choreographed fight moves)? What if the other guy just stops running and you have to run twice as far and by the time you get to him you are too tired to jump and punch? My point is, why start out with the jump punch? Oh, and even if you pull it off perfectly does this really hurt? If my mentor, Mr. Miyagi has taught me anything it is that you have to have a well balanced fighting stance to have any power behind your punches (Strike First, Strike Fast, Strike Often, Sir). Maybe Hulk and The Abomination need to wax a few more cars and sand a few more floors before they are ready.

So, to sum this one up, I just want to stress the importance of not utilizing the jump punch as your first move in a street fight. Oh, and if a terrible lab accident turns you into a cartoon super hero stay away from the guys with the novelty erasers.

Warren

The Kid is Heartbroken because he lost 2 hours of his life watching this movie!

As you may have guessed, neither Matthew nor I are professional bloggers. I sure hope I didn’t ruin any Christmas dreams or fairy-tale wishes but we both have real jobs which do not include writing rambling critical reviews of old, lightly regarded movies for an audience of literally 2. The reason I am not a professional blogger (besides the money and the time constraints of being an international celebrity and role model to countless children) is because there are times I just don’t have much to say. That is especially true of a movie I recently watched called The Heartbreak Kid. I had almost forgotten about this movie after a short run in the theaters and while it had a couple of funny moments it was painfully too long and followed a cookie-cutter, straight out of the box, lazy Hollywood script formula.

The Heartbreak Kid is like the chemistry set we all received for Christmas when we were children. You know exactly what you are getting by looking at the photo on the box and yet you still open the box and excitedly run the experiments only to be disappointed in an outcome you had already assumed.

This film stars the wildly overexposed Ben Stiller as marriage-phobic Eddie. Eddie is getting older and under pressure to get married but as the movie starts he apparently hasn’t found the “right” girl. After a chance encounter on the streets of San Francisco (Matthew’s fair city) with Lila, played by Malin Akerman, a whirl-wind relationship starts and they get married. Lila is a young, decent looking gal who tricked her boyfriend into marriage (mostly normal), sings in the car (normal), likes her “business” a little wild (mostly normal), has some financial debt (very normal), doesn’t listen to her husband who suggests SPF 50 in the sun (normal) and sunburns easily (expected). So, while I have what I would consider to be two normals, two mostly normals, one very normal and one expected, this film wants the character of Lila to be a crazy train-wreck of a new bride to Eddie. For me personally, I just wasn’t buying it.

While the suddenly marriage-miserable Eddie and Lila are on their honeymoon in Cabo, Eddie falls for Miranda who is a Lacrosse coach from Mississippi on vacation with her family. Miranda, played by Michelle Monaghan (still working despite M.I.3), is also a decent looking chick who seems to enjoy such male endeavors as tequila shooters, cannabis and coaching sports. At about this point in the film (I am guessing about 25-35 minutes in) the funny jokes and pratfalls dry up and except for the final scene of the movie everything went according to the only script that romantic comedy writers can seem to follow. You know the words, sing along if you want:

“Here’s the story, of a relationship-phobic fellow, who was searching for a sweetheart of his own. All of his man friends were already married to needy women, but he needed one of his own.

It’s the story, of a decent looking obscure woman’s college sports team coach, who was vacationing in Mexico with her family. All of them had hair of various colors – like Miranda, the oldest one was bald.

Till the one day when the relationship-phobic fellow met the obscure woman’s college sports team coach, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch. That the relationship-phobic fellow was really on his honeymoon with another decent looking gal who had some underdeveloped vices that never really overwhelmed the audience, and through a series of poorly scripted and even more poorly acted misunderstandings and two painful divorces, that’s the way that we all became disappointed that I hadn’t stopped watching The Heartbreak Kid after the first 35 minutes.

Should have quit after the first 35 minutes, should have quit after the first 35 minutes.
That’s the way that we all wasted 2 hours watching this movie.”

Word to your mother!

Warren

And Pop Culture

I haven't blogged in a while and Warren has been on me about that. I told him that I haven't seen any good movies lately. I have searched the HBO lineup and nothing seems to jump out at me. I did see "Elizabeth, The Golden Age." But I had seen that in the theaters during my "out-of-work, see a movie for free" days. That whole period is another story. Anyway, Warren and I discussed "Elizabeth, The Golden Age," and we both decided that it was a good movie, but the first one was better. I will also add that if you are going to do a sequel, you should probably do it a little sooner than 12 years later. This comment goes double for the latest Indiana Jones movie, which I haven't seen because everyone who has seen it has told me that it sucks. That is too bad. I liked the Indiana Jones movies. All right the second one was stupid, but they "finished up" the series nicely with the third one. Sean Connery was funny. He and Harrison Ford had chemistry on screen. It had suspense and thrills and a hot chick seducing both of them. And then it had a nice resolution. So even after thinking all these things about the "final installment" I thought maybe I should see the final final installment. Well, the theater reviewers panned it, but they are just reviewers. Then some friends of mine saw it in the theaters and they didn't like it. So I waited for it to come out on DVD. Well, my brothers saw it on DVD, (they are as cheap of bastards as I am) and they say that it sucked. So that concludes it for me - I'm not ever going to see it. Unless it comes on HBO.

Speaking of sequels. Before I left Phoenix, Warren dragged me to see the latest Rambo film. Oh My God. Sucked. Well, no. It was Rambo. What can you expect? But really, Stallone, (like Harrison) has got to hang up his adventure star delusions. He doesn't have any other talent other than being a big moose, so I see why he insists on doing adventure movies. He can not act. So in order to earn income for his lifestyle he has to continue to flex the muscle and emit guttural screams while firing a gun or throwing a punch. (Note: I have not, will not, can not see, Rocky 17 or whatever the hell he put out last - not even on HBO) Hopefully he has gotten enough paychecks so that he will just go away. Like Brian Bosworth. Another big moose who couldn't act. But Brian had the decency to hang it up after three or four B movies. He flexed and faded. That's what these guys need to do.

But that isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

I haven't seen any movies, so I will write about my job. It relates to the pop culture aspect of this blog. I sell Men's Clothing. Believe me I would rather be doing something else. But since that is how I am currently earning a buck, I might as well take an interest in it and attempt to do well. So I have been paying attention to fashion. I work at Banana Republic. They are celebrating their thirtieth year in business. When they first started out they were the old upscale safari shop. They sold safari jackets, Gurkha shorts, pith helmets, western dusters, and big photo bags with a tremendous amount of pockets. All for the "Urban Adventurer!" And if you purchased any of this stuff and wore it around the city you looked like a complete tool. I know. I think I wore a safari jacket for a season back in the eighties. It was a style.

But now Banana Republic sells "Urban Chic." They call it "City Style." For the fashion forward man. I don't know from fashion forward, but they are well made clothes that look good coordinated together and I get a decent employee discount, so I am currently updating my wardrobe. Coincidentally, my oldest brother (who lives in the City also) decided that his look needed a bit of updating. So he went out and bought the latest fashion advice book put out by the people at "Details" magazine. As I got into the whole fashionable man scene, I have found that "Details" is the most approachable magazine for guys trying to update their look. GQ, Fashionable Male, and especially American Male are way too homo-erotic. I just want to see some guys who look somewhat like me (admittedly they look better - they are models) wearing clothes that I could afford (if I get an employee discount). The over-waxed, pouty, weirdly made-up, models wearing mismatched, angular clothing in discordant colors doesn't make me picture myself wearing what they are wearing. I, like most guys, tend towards solids. I wear white, blue, an occasional grey. Now I know that I need to mix it up a bit. Get a little out of my comfort zone. Throw in a stripe or on an especially crazy day a polka dot or a plaid. But I can't wear them every day or, god forbid, all together in one outfit. I need to stick to solids with a little splash of adventurous color or pattern. So "Details" it is for referencing what might work for me.

Don, my oldest brother, bought the latest "Details" fashion book. I choose to go over to Borders Book Store most days before work and read another section. Why pay thirty bucks for a book that is just going to be out of style in a year or two? And Banana Republic has fashion books for the employees to read so that they don't start dressing the customers like buffoons. The customers are already buffoons, some of them. I do get to advise some of these guys to try on outfits and then I can decide that the particular look wouldn't look right on me, because it doesn't look right on this guy.

So the latest fashion forward look is to throw a pattern into the pants that you wear. Not just the pinstripes on a formal "go-to-an-interview" suit, but even in casual pants. Banana Republic has what they call "Novelty Chinos." Comfortable pants made of cotton, sort of like what is commonly called khakis. Although I have been corrected that khaki is a color and chino is really the name of the pant. Anyway, beyond just the basic khaki color, blue, black and grey, Banana Republic, sells; blue with a muted red and light blue stripe, blue with a muted white stripe, brown with an intertwined brown and white stripe, grey with windowpane pattern, tan with windowpane pattern, chinos and several others. So now I am trying to figure out what any of these pants coordinate with. We have tons of striped shirts and patterned ties. I haven't been able to match up anything that looks right. Banana Republic suggests striped shirts with striped pants. I don't think I could carry that off. "Details" magazine and book are silent on the whole patterned pants look, although it is supposed to be the next big thing. Obviously matching a solid shirt to a patterned slack would be easiest.

I may just stick with a white shirt and blue pants.

Matthew

Eastern Promises, Southern Exposure

I vaguely recall when Eastern Promises came out in theaters. I say vaguely because I have no recollection about what this movie was supposed to be about other than I remember seeing Viggo Mortensen with that blonde flat top and thinking that he did not look Russian at all.

Viggo is probably best known for his role as Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings series (which by the way fizzled out after a great first installment). I remember him for his role as Tex in Leatherface, but my first memories of Viggo are from his participation in the George Washington Mini-Series of which I used to have a poster of Barry Bostwick hanging on my wall as a child.

While Viggo had only a small part in the GW Mini-Series, he can say he was part of one of the best ensemble casts in the history of broadcast television. This series also included Lloyd Bridges, Patty Duke, Hal Holbrook, Robert Stack, Kelsey Grammer and Jaclyn Smith. Of course, seeing Jaclyn Smith as Sally Fairfax really makes one feel sorry for GW and his decision to stick with Martha. Can you imagine if Jaclyn Smith had been the first-First Lady…talk about FLILF!

Getting back to Eastern Promises, I have to say that I did enjoy this movie. I thought the plot was fairly interesting and for the most part the actors did a plausible job of acting like Russian Mafioso living in London. I also thought that the style of the movie kind of matched up with both the plot and the characters. I am not sure exactly how to explain that last sentence so just think of the opening credits of Borat and then insert a serious plot but the same gray suits.

While I could see the old “switch-a-roo” coming when Semyon said he would give Kirill to the Chechens, I did not see Nikolai being a cop. I actually like the story even more when I consider the alternative that I had suspected, that Nikolai was just a bad guy with a good heart who was going to redeem himself in the end by protecting Anna and the baby.

Speaking of Anna, I think there is an important lesson in this movie that needs to be typed onto this web site. If you, the reader, ever find (or steal) some interesting evidence or even just something of possible value, don’t go running your mouth to Russian restaurant owners about it! In this case Anna (played by Naomi Watts in much the same way that Sandler played the Zohan) runs into a drugged up pregnant teenager who dies while giving birth and steals her diary that includes the business card of a Russian restaurant. So, before she could read the diary and determine what she had stolen, she went to the restaurant and tells the owner, Semyon, she has the book. This sets into motion multiple murder plots, baby stealing and Borsht. Of course, to take the counter-point on this one I have to wonder what self-respecting Russian mob-boss gives his sex slaves business cards? Was there a welcome reception where Semyon said “welcome to London, you are my slaves now and you will have sex with anyone I tell you to, oh, and here are some business cards…tell your friends!”

The other part of the film that I was thinking about mentioning was the brutal violence. This was a really gory film with some Sweeney Todd type deaths. But, there is something that was of even more concern to me in this film…the nudity.

Normally, I (like Matthew) appreciate nudity and give it my full support. Unfortunately, there have been a rash of recent movies where film makers have decided to show man nudity (including Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Let me make this very, very clear. I do not support man nudity.

The climatic fight scene in this movie was staged in a steam room. The scene involved the previously mentioned Chechens coming to kill who they thought was Kirill but who was actually Nikolai (Viggo). As with any good mob movie, the Chechen killers were appropriately dressed in black pants, black shirts and leather jackets. Unfortunately, Viggo was dressed in a small towel that appeared to be the same ones I regularly have to use at the Hampton Inn. So, I was forced to censor myself during much (not enough) of the big fight scene as Viggo immediately threw off the towel and had his parts flopping about. I don’t know the specifics of the fight but in the end Viggo did throw in a sweet knife to the eye ala Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2 (Lieutenant McClain used an ice sickle as you might recall).

I am sure that the ladies loved this part of the movie. I know that my wife, although previously horrified by the gory violence, suddenly became engaged with the character of Nikolai by yelling “get him” and “look out, be careful!” At some point I also think that she did say “oh, that is not a good shot” which I took to mean that my self-censoring was a good move.

If I ever get into a position where I am an undercover cop posing as a Russian mob figure and get invited to a steam with a fellow mob figure, I think I will carry my duffel bag with me into the steam room just in case a fight breaks out. I personally don’t see any reason that both sides (killer and victim) can’t agree that a nude roll around the steam room while we settle our differences is just not good for business. I will offer to get dressed (as my duffel bag is handy) and then we will get some Gatorade (you can very easily get dehydrated in a steam room) and have the fight in the hallway or perhaps and un-used conference room.

So, to wrap this one up, while I enjoyed Eastern Promises I do think that it had a few too many shots of Southern Discomfort.

Warren

Kong, Donkey Kong

As many of our most frequent readers know, I often wax poetically about the HBO and all of the joy it has brought into my life. I not only believe in the brand, I also think it is a tremendous value. I think my current cable carrier charges me around $12 per month for 6 different channels of HBO (i.e. HBO, HBO East, HBO Latin, HBO Space, etc.). That being said, I think the worst value in movies is the Blockbuster chain. Since Blockbuster has long since pushed almost all of the locally owned or mom/pop stores out of business it has a dominant presence in the movie rental business. Unfortunately, it has flexed its muscles to raise its rental fees to an astronomical $5 per movie. While this may not seem like a lot of money at first glance, when I rented three movies at one time and my total bill came out to $16.50. Now we are starting to talk about real money!

I was recently at my local grocer and I noticed that they had a vending machine for movies. I had never personally seen one of these contraptions and when I went to check it out it seemed easy enough to use and I gave it a try. I pushed a few buttons, searched through their less than voluminous collection of movies and picked out what I thought might be a winner in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. All I had to do was swipe my credit card and agree to pay this machine $1 per day for the movie. I thought this seemed fair so I swiped and took my copy of the movie. I can’t speak for the machine but it would be my impression that we both felt pretty good about the terms of the transaction. Of course, if I find out this machine has used my credit card number to purchase batteries, play the claw game, get its oil changed or any other activity that these machines do these days…I will be disappointed!

The King of Kong is a documentary about one man’s journey to lose his job, neglect his family, ruin his eyesight, obtain carpel tunnel syndrome, travel to exotic locations with arcades and Motel 6’s, meet video game nerds, and break the world record score on Donkey Kong. I think this is a pretty standard journey. I know both Matthew and I followed this formula when we graduated from College (it truly is a coming of age journey). As you can imagine though, this journey is filled with hazards, pitfalls, centipede, Q*bert, and pong. No one said it would be easy.

The two main combatants in this picture are the Donkey Kong record score holder - Billy Mitchell, and the man who would like to be the record holder - Steve Wiebe. Billy Mitchell has been good at Donkey Kong for quite a while and set the record high score for the game at some point in the early to mid 1980’s. In present times though, Billy has founded what he terms a successful chicken wing sauce and a runs his own restaurant. Even more important than that though, Billy Mitchell is very protective of his record score and he has a full, luxurious head of mullet hair (or as I like to call it the Missouri Compromise). If Billy Mitchell grew out a beard he would be the guy on the box of Just for Men. Yeah, his mane is truly that nice!

As this movie is a documentary there are a couple of “characters” that we get to know and frankly, thank the good Lord that we are not them. One of the more shady characters in this picture is Roy Shildt. This guy is the world record holder in some other mid-80’s arcade classic (Paperboy?) and he is also the star of a series of ‘B’ movies using the name Mr. Awesome. There is one particular clip that is shown several times where Mr. Awesome is portraying General Patton while talking about chasing the ladies for some Cinemax style Friday After Dark enjoyment. Of course, as all YouTube porn wannabes often complain, Shildt is disappointed his movies have not yet gotten him on the Tonight Show.

The other character of mention from King of Kong is the bearded wonder Walter Day. Walter has a job that no one would ever think necessary….he is the video game referee. That is right folks, this guy watches nerds at the arcade play their console to ensure that game play is held to the highest standards. He also wears a long sleeve referee shirt while watching.

One thing that did surprise me about this picture is that they actually show very little of the play of Donkey Kong. I can remember as a child playing this game but I am not sure that I ever passed the first level. There were barrels rolling everywhere, fire’s burning out of control, a hammer that seemed to swing itself, and a medium sized ape holding onto a mid-30’s blonde. There was just too much going on!

I don’t know why Mario (or what ever the character is that chases Kong) didn’t just leave this really tall building, go back to his house and get some bananas or some bamboo (what ever ape’s ate in the early 80’s) and make a simple trade with the animal. I mean, it’s a big dumb smelly ape for goodness sake; surely Mario could work something out with it? And was this blonde really worth saving? I don’t know her story for sure but how did she get into this predicament? How exactly do you get caught by an ape? Shouldn’t you have seen this coming? The whole set up for this game takes place in a really tall warehouse so it is unlikely that this blonde was doing missionary work in the jungle when she ran into a pride of apes.

And another thing, what kind of warehouse is this exactly? There are barrels piled up every 6 floors or so, there are ladders everywhere, there is a part with single platform elevators and there are automatic pogo-sticks jumping around. How has OSHA let this go on? I am assuming that this game is set on a Saturday or Sunday because no one else appears to be working at this factory but when the regular workers come back to work on Monday not only are they returning to dangerous working conditions, they are also returning to a mess of broken barrels and flame bursts (and let’s not forget that all of the hammers that they placed into the ceiling are now missing). If my memory is correct, this factory has 25 screens, multiply that by the about 6 floors per screen and we are talking about a 150 story building (a 150 story building without an express elevator). Can you imagine if you worked every day on the 140th floor?

I may have gotten a little off message there for a minute, so here is a quick review of the last 75 minutes of the King of Kong. Steve Wiebe practices at Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe breaks world record on Donkey Kong as previously set by Billy Mitchell, Walter Day rules that Steve Wiebe’s record is fraudulent, Steve Wiebe again breaks world record on Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe cry’s tears of joy, Billy Mitchell mails Walter Day a tape of himself breaking world record on Donkey Kong, Steve Wiebe cry’s tears of disappointment, Billy Mitchell brushes hair in slow motion, end credits.

So to wrap this one up, it turns out that Mario (or who ever it is that is chasing the blonde) never saves the blonde from the ape. At the end of Donkey Kong Mario just dies (probably from exhaustion – his blood is on you OSHA).

Warren

George Michael Clooney Clayton

For the first time in the short history of this blog, Statler and Waldorf actually watched the same movie! I was fortunate enough to enjoy Michael Clayton along with my lovely wife and her mother just last week. This movie not only kept my mother-in-law awake for the entire two hours, it also left her excited about showing it to her husband.

I will agree with you Matthew that George Clooney was just OK as the title character. I don’t know that I would say that I prefer him in any particular genre or character. I do know that he was the worst Batman of the group (yes, which means you did not finish last Val Kilmer). With his tiny head, George’s Batman looked more like Bettlejuice (post head shrinking) than the Caped Crusader.

The one area of this movie that still has me scratching my head is the climatic scene where Michael’s car is bombed.

Just to paint a quick picture, Michael goes over to a guy’s house on the request of his boss Marty Bach (Sydney Pollack) to provide low cost legal assistance to a guy who hit a homeless man on his way home from work. After talking with the “perp,” Michael goes driving in the woods and is followed by the minions Matthew referred to who are going to set off a bomb they planted in Michael’s car.

Now, this for some reason had to be done in the goofy Hollywood style that is suddenly in vogue whereby you tell an incomplete story in the present and then you go back to replay the past and thus explain the present which is now much like the future. This style reminds me of the great quote “I have seen the future - it looks a lot like the present, only longer.”

So, in the present, as we find out in the future, as represented by the past, Michael is driving in the woods and he starts making sudden turns and going faster and pulling off the main road onto side roads in what appears to be an attempt to avoid the minions. However, the story never represents that Michael either knew that he might be followed or provided cinematic proof that he saw the minions actually following him.

As Michael is driving around in the woods the minions who are trying to set off the bomb they planted in his car are trying to follow him with their tracking and detonating device which is not working properly. And, as every minion with an easily escapable, overly intricate, hidden bomb killing plan knows, you have to think safety first when detonating the device. Instead of just blowing the thing up when they planted it, or when he was driving on the freeway, or when he was driving in front of them in the woods (or even when he was passing them in the woods) they had to wait until just the right moment when he was safely away from any passing vehicles, children’s t-ball games or endangered species nesting grounds. And, as you may have guessed they did not kill Michael with their detonation.

The reason that the bomb did not kill Michael, besides the usual minion ineptitude, was because for some unknown reason Michael pulled his car over to the side of the road, walked up a woodsy hill to look at some horses and missed the detonation of the car bomb. With a surprised, yet puzzled look on his face (the product of George Clooney’s years of good acting experience), Michael walked down to the burning car and threw his cell phone and watch into the blaze. For the amateur criminal this may seem like a good idea, but let’s take a second to think about this. When the Police arrive at this scene they will find no body but they will find a slightly burned watch and a slightly burned cell phone. Don’t you think that eventually someone will say to themselves “how did the body blow and then burn into zero findable parts yet the watch and cellular telephone were barely damaged?” Come on people, has Michael Baden taught us nothing?

The point of the past few paragraphs is why did Michael Clayton get out of the car when he did? If he thought he was being set up and his car was going to be bombed why wouldn’t he just ditch the car much earlier? And don’t tell me he needed to make it look like the car bomb plan worked so he would no longer be hunted by the minions. This is only a good plan if you know the exact time the bomb is going to go off. Much like the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club, the first rule of the old “have the car blow up while I’m looking at horses in the woods” plan is you do not get blown up. Personally, if I thought there was a bomb in my car I would not be waiting around to find the perfect time and location to leave the car.

One more thought on that car bomb situation. If Michael was tipped off to the possible detonation by something that was said on the telephone between the aforementioned “perp” and Marty Bach, wouldn’t that implicate Marty Bach? If so, doesn’t the movie end in a manner which seems to indicate that Marty was not involved? And if you can say that Marty Bach had nothing to do with the situation, what tips Michael off to the minions tailing him or the possibility that he is in a car with a bomb packed inside the GPS? Either way, there is a hole in that bucket (Dear Liza).

I thought that Tom Wilkinson was great in this movie as Arthur Edens. Tom has played a lot of good characters lately. I thought his portrayal of Ben Franklin in the John Adams mini-series was very interesting and made me question my own perceptions of Franklin. But, it should also be noted that he once portrayed General Cornwallis in the movie The Patriot. If this guy shows up as Lieutenant General Rochambeau in a future movie I will be thoroughly impressed!

Finally, Danny Noonan was also in this movie. I don't care how tough a character Michael O'Keefe portrays, I will always see him as Danny (or Darryl Palmer from The Slugger's Wife).

So, to sum this one up, don’t forget to stop and smell the horses. It may just save your life!

Warren

HBO Movies

Continuing the post from yesterday. Of note. Although I saw a movie in a theater over the weekend, I doubt that I will make it to the theaters very often. So I'll just have to review movies that I watch on HBO. This actually increases the chances that Warren and I will happen upon the same movie, since he seems to be watching HBO movies a great deal as well. And then we can both give our opinions and rant about where we disagree and in general the fun will commence.

I went on somewhat of a George Clooney kick over the weekend. Not by choice. HBO and the Encore channels just seemed to show more George Clooney pictures over this past week than normal. The two that I watched had come out recently; I think that they are both from 2007. And I had wanted to catch them in the theaters, but never got the chance. So I am glad that they came on over the cable.

The first one was "The Good German." It was another example of Clooney branching off from his blockbuster Hollywood persona and doing a more intellectual, more independent-film studio, type film. The plot is that it is just after Nazi Germany has fallen. The Americans, British and Russians have carved up Berlin into sections and will be meeting in Potsdam to write Germany's future. All three parties have animosities to dispel upon the conquered nation. Clooney is an American Army war correspondent, a captain, who has come to Berlin to cover the Potsdam Conference. He is met at the airport by Tobey Maguire. Yeah, Spiderman. Maguire is an entrepeneurial corporal for the Americans. He is reveling in the chaos that is post-war. As one of the victors he gets to subjugate the defeated Germans and profiteer in the decimated economy. Not a good guy, but played in a small-town boy with good intentions just trying to make good, kind of way. Maguire can't help but come across as at least one part innocent and several parts over his head. As part of his adventure within the valley of the vanquished he is banging Cate Blanchett. She is the wife of a former SS officer, who we come to learn was a scientist who was the assistant to the German scientist perfecting rocket propulsion technology. Cate Blanchett, prior to the war, had been George Clooney's assistant when he was stationed in Berlin before hostilities broke out.

Anyway, various officials, (British, American and Russian) are looking for Cate Blanchett so that they can get to her husband. She says that her husband was killed. Tobey Maguire ransoms Blanchett's husband to the Russians. He doesn't know if Blanchett is lying when she says that her husband is dead; he just wants to make a buck. He punches out Clooney in a bar, when Clooney tries to stop Maguire from taking Blanchett to the Russian sector to discuss the sale. Maguire gets killed and his body washes up on the Russian side of the river. Now Clooney, still pining for Blanchett, decides that she is danger. He commences to hide her from everybody throughout the rest of the movie. Meanwhile he trys to unravel the mysteries of 1) whether Blanchett is lying about her husband being dead, 2) who killed Maguire 3) why everybody wants the assistant to the chief German rocket propulsion expert 4) what else is Blanchett not telling him. Suspense, double-crossing, red herrings, and skulduggery ensue. In the end, the Russians are the bad guys. But so are the Americans. Clooney loses faith in all of them and ends the film as the world-worn, cynical, archetype we have seen in many other movies. Even Blanchett or Blanchett's husband, either of whom could be the good German of the title, turn out to be less so. War causes choices to be made.

"The Good German," is a gripping, well-done tale. It is shot purely in black and white. A little different, but that palette adds to the film noir aspects of the movie. Although the movie apes 1940 movie conventions, (in addition to being shot in black and white), it is shot with a modern enough sensibility that today's audience will not be put off by its different approach. The actors all do a stunning job. The genre, 1940 post war movie, calls for highly stylized acting, which they do admirably. But not to the extent that it becomes the over-emoted, violins streaming over the soundtrack, high contrast lighting effects, affair reminiscent of the movies they pay homage to. The final scene even brings to mind the last scene of "Casablanca." In the final assessment, "The Good German," may be too art-house for most. It is slower paced. A little frantic and jumbled in parts. And it is shot in black and white. But I enjoyed it and it didn't leap too far from the plausible. Warren seems to get most out of joint when the movies he sees "jump the shark." This movie didn't do that.

The other Clooney project that I saw over the weekend was "Michael Clayton." This movie was even up for a few Oscars this past year and I believe that Tilda Swinton won hers for Best Supporting Actress. Clooney is again pursuing a mystery and avoiding violence at the hands of them that mean him harm. He is "Michael Clayton" and works for a high powered law firm. He has been there for years, yet never made partner. He has been kept in place by the managing partner, Sydney Pollack, as the firm's fixer. Think Harvey Keitel in "Pulp Fiction," although not with as well written dialogue or as viciously morbid a sense of fun. Law clients mess up and Clooney makes arrangements to help them. Only this time its one of his own fellow lawyers who messes up. Tom Wilkinson freaks out at a deposition, takes off all his clothes, rambles nonsensically and just generally weirds out everybody in the room. The man is off his meds.

Clooney is sent to reel Wilkinson back in. Clooney gets him out of the town he is in and back to home base in New York. There Wilkinson reveals his true colors essentially rejecting his former duties as defense lawyer for the pesticide manufacture whose products seem to have caused cancers and death. Wilkinson has proof that the manufacturer knew that their products were deadly but sold them anyway. He secretly contacts people who are suing the manufacturer. Clooney is given the task of watching him and trying to bring him back to the fold. Tilda Swinton, as the Chief Legal Counsel for the manufacturer, sends her minions to watch Wilkinson and upon finding out what he knows and what documents he has in his possession, kill him. So now Clooney has to 1) mourn the death of a colleague 2) find out what he knew that got him killed 3) find out who killed him and 4) avoid the same fate. There are subplots about Clooney's drunk of a brother losing Clooney's $75,000 to the mob and now the mob is after Clooney, and Clooney's law firm is being sold and he will lose his job. Also, Clooney's young son, a product of divorce, doesn't like his Dad because Dad works too much and doesn't indulge the child's imagination or sense of fun. But none of these subplots amount to much.

The movie has a quirky sensibility about it and you never know quite what will happen next. That is due in part to the miscellaneous subplots and their ancillary characters buzzing about. It gets confusing. But the main themes are explored in interesting ways. I can't tell you the resolution. It isn't expected, but once it happens you say, "Well, that's a convenient way to wrap everything up." A little too convenient and pat. The main theme of business = bad, high end executives think of nothing but making money even at the expense of sacrificing little people lives, is a more resonant these days given the recent Wall Street meltdowns and revelations of how greed got us here. So the movie posits a populist resolution. And Clooney ends the film self satisfied.

This is another example of Clooney trying to establish a wide range of acting and a wide base of genres and characters. I must admit I prefer ol' George in either his suave, smirky fluff (Oceans Eleven, Out of Sight) or his bumbling buffoon roles (O Brother, Where Art Thou) so I am anxious to catch him in the latest Coen vehicle, "Burn Before Reading." These examples of him as the outsider, looking behind every corner to avoid his pursuers who mean to kill him all while solving the noble mystery and in the end striking a blow for righteousness or becoming weary from the fight, just isn't what I want to see him doing. He is a talented actor. He fills the roles. He performs well. But he is better at being smirky or dumb as opposed to being a moral compass. All the other actors did well and I suppose that Swinton deserved her Oscar, although I don't think that I saw any of the other movies from which actresses were nominated.

And finally, last night on HBO I saw "Reno 911: Miami." Just so you don't think that all I do is view intellectual movies. I have been told by many people whom I respect that I should be watching Reno 911 on Comedy Central. What the heck I have already declared Reno to be a hellhole of despair, I may enjoy others poking fun at it. But I gotta tell ya'. I just can't watch that show. I get it. The characters are stupid and don't understand how stupid they truly are. I've never been a fan of that type of humor. Pratfalls are occaisionally funny, but not as the defining premise of the show. And it has already been written by others that the movie is trying to carry that humor on for an hour and it just can't fill that large a time slot. I agree. The movie stumbled and dragged. I have to imagine that the producers injected far more cursing then would normally be allowed on basic cable, possibly in hopes of attracting more movie goers because the movie is allowed to more racy. It all just didn't work. Although I wasn't predisposed to the premise anyway. I won't bore you with the plot, there really wasn't much of one. Idiot cops act stupid, get lucky and solve big crime, and then return to Reno to be stupid in their home town. No reason for anyone else to see this movie. The nudity wasn't even any good. Saggy and older. Echh!

I'll continue to watch for movies to review. Let's see if Warren has seen any of these movies and then he and I can actually debate merits of some of these.

Matthew

So I saw a few movies over the weekend.

All right. First off I have to say that Warren has pretty much hit the nail on the head in terms of movie theater advertisements. I tend to tune out some of Warren's more offbeat rants, but in this regard he is absolutely correct.

A brother of mine and I finally saw "The Dark Knight," this past Saturday at the IMAX. A couple thoughts. First off did you hear that they are going to re-release it in order to position it for Oscar consideration. C'mon. Its a good movie in terms of action comics genre. But Oscar? Count me in as a vote for nuhuh. Yeah, Heath Ledger gave the performance of his life. Get it? Of his life? But still, the awsomeness of his performance hinges on the fact that he lost his Australian accent. He's an actor. That's what he does for a living. He is supposed to be able to lose his accent. He studied accents in class at University of Melbourne or wherever. Okay, maybe that is too cynical. He did give a sufficiently creepy performance outside of just losing his accent. But Oscar worthy? Let's see what other actors do this year.

The other actors were competant in their roles. I don't think the lead role for any action comic movie allows for a stunning display of emotion. Comic book heroes tend towards simple drama. I'm not saying that they are one-dimensional, just that their emotions are staid and predictable and the resolution of their inner conflicts are presaged. That's what comic books feed in us. The need for easy resolution of complex issues. Not the complex display of common issues which can be resolved in multiple ways. Anyway, Batman was played adequately as were the supporting roles.

Morgan Freeman seems to be resting on his reputation in all of his movies lately. He is capable of sterling performances, I reference his part in "Glory," among others. But lately he just seems to be phoning in the same character in every movie. Not that comic books are the place to be a great thespian, as I have already mentioned. I would have liked to see Katie Holmes reprise her role, if for no other reason than consistency sake. I am also a homer - she is from my hometown of Toledo, OH. But I like Maggie Gylenhaal (sp?). Many people will differ with me on this, but I think she is cute. Not stunning. Not even beautiful. But cute. Anyway. She did a competant job of filling the role of Bruce Batman's unrequited love interest. Again not a role that required much range.

I didn't really want to spend the extra $6.00 to see the movie in IMAX, but my brother was insistent and it turned out to be a good call. The movie theater wasn't so crowded that we couldn't get a good seat. It sucks to be in a seat off to the side and slightly towards the front in a regular movie theater, but in IMAX theaters it is death. That position 1)leaves you right in front of a tremendous speaker, 2)due to the size of the screen you get to see one fourth of the screen (the part showing insignificant data like a single rooftop in a panning cityscape), and 3) if you tilt your head way up to see the entire movie you ensure permanent appointments at the chiropracter and all the action and people are horrendously distorted. But we got good seats and all the aforementioned action and cinematography benefited from being on a big screen. The movie was pretty damn loud. I could have done with a lower volume. I know that in Batman movies there are explosions and punches and a lot of loud action. Presumably the movie theater owners know that too. They could have compensated by turning the volume down a tad.

Now to all the comic book geeks who are offended by my rant on the simpleness and implied insignificance (let it no longer be implied, I am officially stating that comic books are fluff) of comic book movie let me just say, get over it. I had always wanted to see the latest Batman movie. I enjoyed the last one and I had heard that this one was good also. But geek boys have been on the internet lately decrying the disrespect the establishment has heaped on "The Dark Knight." "Of course it and all its actors deserve Oscar consideration," they whine. Give me a break. I am not an elitist movie critic and the movies and actors who tend to garner Oscar nominations confuse me, but comic books are comic books. You know that the bad guy loses before you step into the theater. Its fun to watch the protaginists battle. I marvel at how innovative the sequences are. I appreciate the imagination that writes the story and constructs the movie, directors and computer animators all. But it isn't a deep portrayal of the human condition if the hero is challenged, has doubts, loses something or someone he values, and ultimately lives with the sacrifices that his choice engenders and the isolation that comes from being a masked savior. Other than masks, that is pretty much how everyone lives. And comic books tend to show all that a little more simplistic than other movies. And another thing. Where's the humor. Life has no meaning without humor. Humor is a constant, no matter how dire the situation. Comic books, their plot and their characters, are all too damn overwrought and serious. Batman needs a fart joke.

I'll end with some agreement commentary on ads in movies. First off the ads were for a regular sized theater, so they looked ridiculous on the IMAX screen. Secondly, the bulk of them were for the new Lexus sportscar that is coming out. Batman movie watchers have no jobs and live in their grandmother's basement, so they can't afford a Scwinn much less a matchbox Lexus. And finally, like Warren says, I already paid for the movie. The movie theater and the producers of the movie are already getting my money. They don't need the advertising revenue. And I don't need to be advertised to.

Matthew

I'm back. I think I pulled a muscle

So this blog was partially for the purposes of Warren and I amazing you readers with our repartee. Not an auspicious start. Oh, Warren has been brilliant. I fear that it will take me some time to orient myself toward his level. One thing of note, Warren and I don't seem to be seeing the same movies. We are sort of a dyslexic Siskel and Ebert. We review movies that have no relation to each other, much less reviewing the same movie. I guess the hope is that eventually these two monkees will find the same nut and write comments on it. Purely by coincidence.

But to fulfill the need of Warren and I actually getting to trade barbs, Warren and his wife visited me recently here in San Francisco. For those of you who are waiting for a movie review, this isn't it. I am fulfilling the "Lifestyle" portion of this blog for the moment. My movie reviews come next.

San Francisco is a beautiful city. It is tough to take it all in on a two and a half day weekend, but the three of us gave it a try.

The friends arrived Friday night late and stayed through Sunday night. Well actually they took off on Monday morning. Saturday was spent downtown, roughly. A walk tour. Warren and Jenny stayed at Le Meridian at Battery and Clay. Starting at 10:30 am we walked through Chinatown. Saw the enormous wooden penis with the bow on it. Walked up to Washington Square. Peeked inside at St.'s Peter and Paul Church on the Square. Walked up Telegraph Hill. Decided that the wait to ascend Coit Tower was too long and hot. Enjoyed the view from Telegraph Hill. It was sparkling clear, cloudless in the City, all weekend. Walked to and up Lombard Street to Hyde. Viewed the "crookedest street in America" from all angles. Walked down Hyde to Embarcadero and Fisherman's Wharf. Had just a fantastic lunch at Tarantinos; Clam Chowder, Fish and Chips, Shrimp Salad, wine, Anchor Steam. Goofed off around Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39. They aren't really into super touristy things like Pier 39, but we didn't want to stray too far from the Piers. At 5:30 pm got in line for the night cruise to Alcatraz. Warren had bought the tickets a few months ago. Cold and windy on the boat over there. Really a great site to see once we were there. Interesting as hell. Once we were done with the mandatory guided audio tour looked for another tour to take and happened to hook up with a tour guide who, although attempted to take us to the tour we had asked directions for, decided to take us on a special backstage tour instead. Saw things not open at night. Saw places that are never shown to the public. Had a personal tour guide. She, and the tour, were fun. Then back on the boat and back to dock by 10:00 pm. Drove Jenny and Warren back to their hotel and I headed over to Paul's, my brother, place for the night.

So Sunday would involve stuff to do outside of the downtown area. A car tour with intermittent walking. Picked up the "not even really tired" couple at 10:30 am. Drove to Golden Gate park and parked near Kezar Stadium. Walked to the Haight. First stop Amoeba Records. Warren was suitably impressed as he collects vinyl. Jenny less so. Walked down Haight touring shops all the way to Masonic and then turned around and walked the other side of the street. Walked into Golden Gate Park. Watched some lawn bowling at the Club. Walked to de Young Museum Cafe for lunch. Walked back to the car and drove to where I would move into on Monday, 20th Ave. and Lawton. Took a picture outside of the place. Drove to Ocean Beach. Stayed for a bit. Back into the car and over to look at the American Bison in Golden Gate Park. Drove up to The Palace of the Legion of Honor in Lincoln Park. Looked at the grounds and the golf course for 20 minutes until it was 4:30 pm so that we could go into the museum for free. Listened to the last half hour of the Steiner organ recital. Toured the museum briefly. Saw some paintings done by people whose names we recognized. Drove through Sea Cliff admiring the extraordinarily ornate homes that are there on our way to the Golden Gate Bridge. Got hung up in Golden Gate Bridge traffic. Drove through the Presidio. Parked at Crissy Field, got out of the car and walked up to the Bridge. Walked out to the first span and admired the view. Like I said, it was cloudless all weekend. Had been taking good pictures all weekend and took a few here as well. Drove back to the Fisherman's Wharf area to eat at a restaurant that Warren's parents had recommended. Had a wonderful dining experience at Scoma's. Seafood again. Why not? Let's see, Jenny had a melange of crustaceans (lobster, scallops, crab, shrimp) out of the shell and sauteed in butter, garlic and onions over a bed of risotto and a side salad. Warren had a crabmeat sandwich with a side salad. I had a fried melange of seafood (breaded scallops, shrimp and pollack) over risotto and a side salad. Of course there was beer and wine involved. Stopped off a Ghiradelli Square for hot chocolate, before heading back to our respective places for the night.

Good weekend.

I moved into my new place the following Monday. Really just dumped my stuff off. Paul helped me. Yeah, he carried the other box. He wanted to see the place. As he was leaving, he mentioned that right across 19 Ave. was a hidden gem of the City, Grandview Park. It is roughly at 15th Ave. and Moraga, so six blocks from me. Up a lot of steps. A lot of steps. And I was on what looked to be the third highest point in the City. I had an entire view of the City and surounding Bay area obstructed only by Twin Peaks and some hill far south of the City. Imagine the vista. Pacifica sweeping up the coast, all the way over Golden Gate Park, the Bridge, around the top of the peninsula, the marina, over the entire North Bay over to the entire downtown area, the extent my of sight stopping just about the Mission District. Really cool. I then walked down to 9th and Irving for lunch. I continued my perambulation to the Haight and at Shrader headed north. I wanted to see what the big church on the hill was. Found out that it is St. Ignatius. Walked back to Golden Gate Park and goofed off there for a few hours before heading home to truly unpack.

So not only for the weekend that Warren and Jenny were here, but just generally all the time that I have been in the City, this is what I have been up to.

Matthew

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fury

Let me begin by saying I am sorry for the long delay in blogging. I have actually been watching movies but I have just not taken the time to write a review. Additionally, my co-blogger Matthew has been asleep at the wheel for quite a while now. I know he is busy decorating his new digs with Jonas Brothers posters and attending speed dating seminars, but there is really no excuse for either of us to have not written a couple of paragraphs for our legions of fans!

A couple of nights ago I came upon a real gem of a movie called Balls of Fury. This movie, written by Thomas Lennon and Robert Garant of Reno 911! fame, was just terrible enough to keep me laughing and simultaneously put my visiting mother-in-law into a ping-pong induced coma for 70 minutes. The problem is, I am not sure if I was laughing because the M-I-L was snoring like a Sesame Street character or because the jokes were so obvious and generally involved a kick to the grapes.

The star of this movie was Dan Fogler of whom I had never previously heard. I thought this guy was OK as the star and for some reason a lot of B level movie stars signed on to participate in this picture. The big draw for this movie was everyone's favorite movie star and cultural icon Christopher Walken. His character really made no sense and his lines were poor at best, but with the voice and the mannerisms and the delivery, Christopher Walken again made this into a memorable character. I, of course, was really hoping that at some point he would say "I have a fever, and the only prescription is more ping-pong," but that never came to fruition.

James Hong was in this movie as the blind master/teacher of ping pong. I remember him best as David Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China but it is hard to believe that that movie came out 22 years ago. If any of you are Dukes of Hazzard fans, I also remember him appearing in an episode of that show. I wonder if James Hong ever tells his agent he is being type cast? I mean, how come he always has to play the Asian guy?

The real reason I wanted to type a few paragraphs about Balls of Fury is because I am amazed that a picture like this not only got made, but also was released in theaters, printed onto a blank DVD and even purchased by HBO for home broadcast. I would have loved to be in on the creative meetings of this sales job. I can just see Thomas Lennon explaining that they have a ping pong picture that stars an unknown overweight actor with frizzy hair and James Hong. I am sure that the movie studio exec (or more probably, his secretary) said "OK, now what is the real movie you want to talk about" and then Lennon probably played the trump card by saying "we've also got Christopher Walken."

I don't want to be too hard on this movie though, I did laugh quite a bit. But I think that Lennon and Garant may have watched way too much America's Funniest Home Videos when they were growing up (I know I did). Although that show was an important part of the American experience in the 90's, and put an unknown host named Bob Saget on the comedy map (I don't recognize the existence of Full House), pretty much every week it was just 25 minutes of kicks, football throws, baby punches, and head-butts to the scoring zone (crotchal region). Balls of Fury had a number of re-occurring kicks and punches to the grapes along with a series of prat falls and "blind guy facing the wrong way" sight jokes (blind guy sight jokes...get it).

As for the cinematography on the ping pong scenes, this was a part of the movie I really enjoyed. I thought they did a good job of making the ping pong scenes look real, even though we all know that ping pong is not played with that speed and accuracy. In fact, when I was a little tiny baby blogger I recall that the home based rules of "pong" included hitting the ball back in forth until the full word P-I-N-G-P-O-N-G was spelled out just to determine who served first. At our home table, it was quite a feat just to keep the ball in play long enough to spell out that word. Not even in my foggy sports hero memory (imagination?) are there any reels of my father and I hitting smashes and lobs back and forth for five minutes.

So my verdict on Balls of Fury is....it will put your mother-in-law in a ping pong induced coma in less than three minutes - Guaranteed!

Warren

Step Brothers

After much debate, I decided to attend and review a recent movie. The movie I saw was in fact so recent that it is still playing at the Cineplex. The movie was Step Brothers starring Will Farrell and John Reilly as 40 year old dudes living at home with their single parents who meet, get married and move in together. As you might have guessed, zaniness ensues and the popular Hollywood formula of "event leads to tension - tension leads to friendship - easily foreseeable event wrecks friendship - easily foreseeable event saves friendship" plays out before the viewers very eyes.

For all of our loyal readers out there I would like to provide some insight into the current state of the movie theater business. Forget how much everything costs (we all know it is ridiculous), did anyone realize that they now are showing commercials prior to the movie? Shouldn't I have been warned about this by the fifteen year old kids who sold me a ticket and some corn? I did enjoy the fact that the commercials they forced upon me were really poorly done and awful. At one point I think they just started showing pictures from the Auto Trader magazine. I don't know the pricing structure for movie commercials, but if you have to resort to having the kid running the projector hold your ad in front of the lens...you may not be spending enough on advertising!

Speaking of Auto Trader, I was recently spending some quality time at a Shell gas station in the middle of nowhere and studied this magazine very carefully. I think Congress should mandate some tougher standards on the use of "low mileage." Every car in the magazine was listed as having "low mileage" but their actual mileages were all over the board. I saw a Fiat that was headed as "Low Mileage Fiat, Mint." When I read through the 8 two-word phrases used to describe the car I also saw "68,757 miles." On this planet, 68,757 miles is not "low." It should also be noted that when girls weigh 225 they should not describe themselves as "athletic."

If I owned a movie theater I would list all of the movie starting times as 15 minutes before the movie actually starts. Every time I go to a movie there are always five or six knuckleheads that shuffle into the theater ten minutes into the show. These folks proceed to walk up the stairs of the theater loudly asking each other "do you see two?" while pointing at every empty seat in the middle of a row. When they finally choose their seats they always have to turn off their phone (with the unnecessary chimes and rings that entails) and open the diet coke and something sealed in cellophane that they obviously brought from home.

The movie itself was just OK. This seemed like a funny idea for a Saturday Night Live skit that ran about 45 minutes too long. John Reilly was really funny in this movie as Dale Doback. I am sure that every movie review(er) has already pointed this out but Will Farrell is just playing the same character over and over with a new song for the soundtrack. I think he went to the George Lucas movie seminar they offer at University of Southern California Community College whereby you develop an idea only enough to get an exciting preview commercial, re-record one song to sell the soundtrack, and release the movie in every possible configuration (VHS, DVD, Unrated, Super Unrated, Director's Cut, Bonus Material, Laser Disc, Super 8).

There were some genuinely funny parts to this film. I especially laughed at the job interview scenes (although they were mostly the same as the preview commercial), the building of the bunk beds (again, mostly the same as the preview commercial) and the judo practice on pumpkins. One thing that I could have done without was all of the cursing. I will be the first to admit that I enjoy some salty language as much as the next guy (I don't know if this will come off in a blog but I just cursed out loud...there I did it again) but this movie just had too much of it. I know that we all get some special satisfaction out of seeing a parent-type figure, someone who seems professional and innocent, throw down some f-bombs, but there was no build up to this satisfaction in Step Brothers. Everyone in the movie was cursing early and often. I really felt like some of this language distracted from the funny lines in the movie.

To wrap this one up with a tight little bow, I will just say "Step Brothers, low mileage, f#%$!"

Warren

Memories, Like the Corners of My Mind

Since neither Matthew nor I have reviewed a movie from this Century yet, I guess I will continue to fill everyone in on exactly what happened during the 20th Century. History will record that pretty much nothing was happening in the 20th Century until the launching of Home Box Office (HBO). I can't guarantee it, but I am fairly sure that my first words as a little tyke were "Home," "Box" and "Office."

When I was growing up in the Midwest, HBO was on channel 2. The best part about this channel being on 2 was that the next channel was CBS (channel 3). So, when I had a questionable HBO movie on, such as When God Created Woman or Disorderlies or Revenge of the Nerds, I could quickly switch the channel to the more family friendly CBS.

I took this walk down memory lane after last night's viewing of another HBO classic - The Best of Times. This is a great 80's movie starring both Robin Williams and Kurt Russell as adult friends attempting to relive their high school football glory by replaying a game from twelve years earlier. I have probably seen this movie about thirty times over the course of my life and it never gets old. There are some classic lines in this film, "I'm pretty quick for a Caucasian," and there are some great sight gags, Jack being hit with the gavel and then punched in the face by Charlie during a meeting with the Caribou Club, but mostly it is just a fun football movie.

When this movie came on last night I watched it and was reminded just how often this (and every other) movie used to be on HBO. It seemed to me as though HBO had about 15 movies to fill an entire monthly lineup. They would show the same movie at 1pm, 4pm, 7pm and 11pm. I can remember watching Dead Solid Perfect (with Randy Quaid as a golf pro) over and over again with my father, watching Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer and The Secret of My Success with my sister, and watching Starting Over with my mom (Burt will always be Bo Darville to me). And let's not forget some of the great original series HBO had like Dream On, 1st and 10, and Real Sex.

HBO has come along way since its early days. They now have relatively new movies (I recall HBO having a lot of movies I had never seen, but I don't recall them having movies that had been in the theater "recently") and they have a pretty large catalog of older movies to sprinkle in. Of course, it should be pointed out that they still have the same opening montage for movies that they have used for the past 25 years. You know the one, the camera is flying along down the street scene and then the road turns into the giant HBO sign (I think it is called HBO in Space).

So there you have it...the full history of the 20th Century!

Warren

Matthew's Contribution

I'm new to all of this and certainly no match for Warren at this point. I just moved up to a temporary residence in San Francisco. I'm staying at my brother's place while he is in Mexico for three weeks. Going to medical school I think. No, actually, just visiting friends. Anyway with all the packing and unpacking and adjusting to my new surroundings I hadn't had time to blog. I'll do better.

I haven't really watched any movies lately. Well, none that have discernible plots. I've been watching three minute spurts of fairly predictible movies. Taking my enjoyment in short bursts. You know what I mean. Living alone in a new city can be a drag. Anyway.

Along that vein, I dug up an old copy of the old movie, "Tarzan The Ape Man," starring Richard Harris. An actor named Miles O'Keefe stars as Tarzan. Oh yeah, and there is an actress named Bo Derek as Jane. Whatever happened to her? She did Bolero and then disappeared. And that was such an inspirational movie.

Tarzan is actually better than I remember it being. And I watched it for more than three minutes. You readers may laugh, but the movie has some redeeming qualities. The plot works. Richard Harris is an interesting character, although he overacts horribly. The scenery is beautiful. I think they actually filmed in Africa and the director captured some great vistas on film. On the other hand, the acting is atrocious. Atrocious. Godawful. Wooden. Non-convincing. I said the plot works and it does. Or could. If they just removed some of the more preposterous elements. I'm not talking about the nudity. The nudity is good. Heck for my tastes they could have had more. But wrestling snakes and being kidnapped by aborigines that want nothing more than to paint you white seems kinda weird.

I haven't finished watching the film. I'll update my blog when I have a complete report to publish. Until then, I'll also look for more mainstream movies to review. I suppose that the purpose of this blog is to have point/counterpoint between Warren and myself, so I will have to seek out a copy of "The Bone Collector."

Matthew

The Bone Collector

I happened to catch the movie The Bone Collector on Encore the other day, so I figure it is a good place to start. This movie is not new, 1999, but it was new to me and frankly I don't even remember it coming out. That being said, there is probably no reason to give some in-depth review of a decade old movie. But I don't think I would get much enjoyment out of this blogging business if I just had an entry that said..."I watched The Bone Collector. It is from 1999."

First of all, this was a decent premise. I like Denzel and he is in his usual cop role in this movie. But to skip directly to the end...why did they have to use the obscure, underdeveloped character as the killer? We see Dr. Lehman in an early scene of this movie and he promised to assist in the suicide of his good friend Lincoln Rhyme (Denzel) who has been paralyzed in a police work accident. Then, until the last scene, Dr. Lehman is gone.

In the last scene Dr. Lehman comes to kill Lincoln Rhyme and rambles on about how he used to be a detective and then Lincoln testified against him for placing some evidence and staging a crime scene. Lincoln tells the good Doctor that he doesn't remember him but that he was sure he was correct in his testimony. Then Dr. Lehman says that due to the testimony of Lincoln he went to prison where he received a daily dose of "the friendly" from other inmates for several years.

OK, so we have a guy who was a detective (it takes time to raise through the police ranks to detective, doesn't it?) then goes to prison for a few years, then becomes a doctor, then becomes a surgeon, then as a surgeon he somehow meets Lincoln, becomes his friend, waits until he has been paralyzed, stages 4 exceedingly elaborate murders with plenty of clues so that Lincoln can try to solve the case, then tries and fails to murder Lincoln despite the fact that Lincoln had agreed to let him assist in his suicide.

Do you see where I am going with this? This guy looked like he was about 40 years old, you do the math.

Is the new American Dream to someday get out of prison, go to medical school, become a surgeon, and then commit murders with easily decipherable clues so that you can get back at a guy who helped send you to prison but along the way became paralyzed, wants you to assist in his suicide, and is under the constant care of Queen Latifah? Are these the dreams prison guards were filling our prisoners heads with in the early 90's?

And what was the deal with Captain Cheney? I mean, the whole movie they set this guy up to be the killer. He was trying to stop the investigation of the murders at every turn. But in the end he just gets killed by Dr. Lehman and he never was the murderer? Why was he so angry? Why was he trying to stop the investigation?

Finally, when Amelia Donaghy got called to the scene of the first victim, why was she alone? I love cop movies but why is she going into a dark, questionable subway tunnel (complete with burned out cars) to investigate a possible dead body without any backup or a partner? She looked scared out of her mind (good acting Angelina)! If I was a hot chick cop, walking into a dark subway tunnel with erie music playing in the background...I would call for backup! By the way, did anyone question the kid at the scene as to what he saw? He must have seen something.

So, to sum it all up, The Bone Collector is from 1999.

Warren

Movies and Culture Blog...Day 1

Let me begin by thanking Al Gore for creating this world wide web machine. I tend to think that this might just catch on...assuming more people find out about it!

I got the instructions on blogging from the most famous blogger I know, Cooking with Jessie. So, I called my good friend Matthew, signed up for the site, and now here we are. Matthew is a cool guy who has recently moved to the thriving metropolis of San Francisco. Matthew and I used to work together and we almost always argued about anything and everything. Mainly though, we argued about movies and pop culture. We both like a wide variety of movies but Matthew seems to focus on the story and the presentation and I prefer to focus on what is not quite right, unbelievable, or underdeveloped.

I guess I should type a sentence about myself here, so I will just say that I love to go to and watch movies. I am no expert on movies or movie making, but I have always thought I could make the studios a lot of money if I could get hired as the guy who watches their movies and helps them to cut out the fluff, develop the underdeveloped, and maximize the entertainment value.

Of course, this blog is called movies and culture. Matthew and I will be presenting our opinions on various subjects that we can argue about effectively. I think our best source of culture is going to be Matthew's dating life, wait until you read some of his stories!

Warren